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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teacher's guilt trip and inappropriate comments

37 replies

stillastruggle · 13/07/2012 09:47

Sorry, just need a rant, don't expect any replies!

Child is only 4 and in nursery attached to a prep school - not in reception until this coming September. Fully intended to go to the school prizegiving last night. But she has had two different viruses in the space of a week, was in tears an hour before we were due to go, hiding under cushions on the sofa completely miserable because she was so unhappy. Father has also been ill this week and very tired because of work issues; working late most nights and getting up early so he can leave to do afternoon school run when I can't do it. I'm working every night until past 1am and getting up at 6 and months of short nights are catching up with me. Basically, we're tired, sick, knackered and exhausted (like many of our fellow parents, I suspect).

So we decide not to go to prizegiving. And then find out this morning she won a prize and we weren't there. I apologized to teacher, saying we had every intention of going but just couldn't get there. She makes a comment that makes me feel about an inch tall, turns her back on me and starts talking with another parent and teacher about how 'some parents are like that' and proceeds to spend five minutes making somewhat unpleasant comments about parents. This happening during drop off time when they should be helping to prise children off parents and get them settled. Instead normal routine of lining up didn't happen, my child was refusing to let go of my hand and sit down, and I'm struggling to get her to comply. I walk out of the school gate and hold back my tears until I get in the car.

We've always been so supportive of the nursery and school. We miss one event because we are struggling to cope. It just doesn't help that school is not supportive of us when we need them to be.

Rant over, got it off my chest thanks. Now I can move on with the rest of my day and not waste any more time fuming.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 13/07/2012 09:50

I would mention it to the head teacher, irrespective of what she feels a conversation like that shouldn't be held with other parents or in ear shot of other parents.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/07/2012 09:52

What was the comment? I'm guessing by the fact that you omitted it from your OP that you don't really want to say, but unless you do it's hard to know if YABU.

Did you previously say you would attend the evening via a slip or something? If you did, it's understandable that the teacher was pissed off that you didn't turn up, but she shouldn't have been so unprofessional in her comment to the other person.

SoleSource · 13/07/2012 09:54

Go over her head. Book appointment with the headteacher! Worked for me. The headteacher might be aware of her sorry attitude already. No matter what your lifestyle whether it is as it is now or you have the life of rile ou didn't have to go. That teacher is an utter cunt for treating you that way. You are not beholden to her, who the hell does she think she is? Some teachers are like this I am afraid.

wfhmumoftwo · 13/07/2012 09:54

Totally unprofessional of the teacher, not least to say, down right rude in attitude.
I would have a private word with her tbh telling her that you were not impressed with her behaviour, that you will not tolerate it again, and if she continues to be like that you will have no choice in taking the matter further!
What kind of example is that to set to young children?

Aboutlastnight · 13/07/2012 09:54

Wow.
I would not be at all happy with that. But I son't know what you can do about it, seems petty to run to HT. I would maybe make an appt to see
cow bag teacher and explain things.

I sympathise with the ill and knackered thing. We are also exhausted and working stupid hours.

ExitPursuedByABear · 13/07/2012 09:56

What a shame. At my DDs school they tell you in advance if your child has won a prize as they give you a book token to buy a book to be presented to the child at prize giving.

Seems a bit harsh of the teacher - people do get ill or things crop up that prevent you attending stuff.

cubbie · 13/07/2012 10:04

As a teacher, I might be ticked off if a parent didn't come, and had said the y would. Don't know if you had said you would go. sorry.

BUT, these things happen, and your apology/explanation was perfectly fine, young children can become ill very quickly!!!

I'm amazed at her attitude, quite disgusted actually. But to be honest with you, I wouldn't go to the HT, it'll just annoy her more. Speak to her quietly and explain again why you couldn't go, say you were hurt etc by her comments and see what she says.

I'm sure she will backtrack very very rapidly and be very apologetic. It will hopefully make her think twice before being so nasty again.

(I once heard a parent say to his child on Parents' Night, "Now remember, don't say anything about us not coming tonight". This was while we were all milling around at a Book Fayre, just before hometime. They didn't turn up, didn't give any explanation, no phone call or anything. I stood for 10mins waithing for them, when I could have seen someone else. Unfortunately, there was noone else to see at the time! They were lovely people, he was on the PTA, and the girl was lovely too. It was very bizarre!)

Anyway, YADNBU!!!!

Original poster

stillastruggle · 13/07/2012 10:09

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply.

The comment was that our child had won a prize and we weren't there - which is a true statement of fact so it's not the content of the comment as such that's bothered me, but rather the tone and manner in which it was said. Said in a very attacking, accusatory and judgemental way before I had even a chance to apologize or explain. When I did explain that daughter (who is only 4) wasn't up to a late night after an already whole day at school, teacher just raised her eyebrows, smirked and turned her back and started her tirade.

We had not previously said we would attend. No parents had been asked to confirm that they would be there. It was simply stated in a school newsletter what day and time it was on. We had no idea our daughter had won anything.

This is the third time I have heard this teacher make judgemental and negative comments about parents or children in front of other parents and children. It's just a bit wearying, when we're already exhausted and struggling with things, to have someone lay the guilt on.

OP posts:

SoleSource · 13/07/2012 10:13

Go and see the headteacher you do not want to give this teacher any opp to twist events to make herself look better! Ticking the teacher off more? WTF!!

Report her.

SomethingSuitablyWitty · 13/07/2012 10:23

Not sure there is a lot to be gained by taking this to the headteacher. You basically want this teacher not to be a snippy cow; but she is and is unlikely to change if this is something she does periodically and has form on. On the upside, your child is probably moving out of her class at the end of this year?

Take comfort in the fact that YANBU at all to feel attacked - teacher could have sounded you out in a non-accusatory fashion and FGS it's your call to make. It's not like it's the bloody Oscars.

If you really feel the need to have it out, you could say at pick-up, in a non-aggressive fashion, that you were rather upset by her comments about 'some parents' this morning and that you could not help but feel that they were aimed at you, despite having explained why you couldn't make it. That might shame her into some kind of back-tracking. But I think you can't really 'win' here - especially if you need to continue to have some kind of relationship with her after the summer.

Feel for you though: we are in state of total and utter pre-holiday knackeredness as well.

Original poster

stillastruggle · 13/07/2012 10:38

It very much helps to have the virtual support here, thank you. I think the only thing that me taking it further would achieve, is that it would take up even more of my time and I'd fume over it longer. So for the sake of my own sanity, need to let it go - because yes, my child is moving out of her class next week so little to be personally gained from taking it further.

Bothered me particularly as I am a teacher. And I know that, for most families, if they can't attend or support a particular event it's usually for a good reason as the vast majority of parents try their best to support the school whenever possible. And so they should be cut a little slack of they can't on the odd occasion, not be given grief about it.

And because I am always careful that, should I need to vent frustration about parents/children/whatever, it's done behind firmly closed doors. Not in the classroom in front of parents and children.

Thanks again. Been therapeutic to offload!

OP posts:

tethersend · 13/07/2012 10:57

Err, hang on- are you paying to have somebody be this rude to you?

Original poster

stillastruggle · 13/07/2012 11:16

Ha, yes tethersend, would you believe we are. Which makes it even worse. But the school as a whole is a caring, kind place and have done a good job with our quiet, timid, introverted girl (another reason we didn't take her to prizegiving - child said it would be too busy and there would be too many people. Often we do force her to go to these big social occasions but felt, given illnesses and tiredness, last night wasn't a time to push her). We'll see how things go with new teacher in reception - have had a few conversations with her and she seems a much warmer, gentler person than what we've experienced this year and more reflective of the school as a whole.

OP posts:

SoleSource · 13/07/2012 11:22

Email the haedteacher but do not let her of with her abuse! You may help another parent in the future. You have done nothing wrong and her attitude is really rude. Probably childless herself i hope.

RuleBritannia · 13/07/2012 12:22

Tethersend is right. This teacher is paid out of taxes to which you and your husband contribute. You are paying her salary! I would never dream of speaking to my paymaster in that way.

slowlyburningcalories · 13/07/2012 12:26

Really really stand up and say that this was unprofessional and deeply upsetting.

I had a similar ish issue at our (fee paid) nursery and I felt much better for knowing that the manager took teh issue seriously and did get to the bottom of the issue. It increased my confidence my child was being well cared for.

Glaikit · 13/07/2012 12:34

I don't think that was tethers point rulebrittania, more that it is a private nursery. Nothing to do with taxes.

Nanny0gg · 13/07/2012 12:43

I think you should inform the HT. If this woman is responsible for nursery children, she needs an attitude adjustment.

Do it by (polite) email and it shouldn't take up too much of your time.

Inertia · 13/07/2012 12:53

I would contact the Head. The teacher's behaviour is thoroughly unprofessional (I'm an ex-teacher and would never have dreamed of speaking to a parent like that!).

In your shoes I would still contact the head, especially as it's the third time she's done this. Until somebody points out that it's unacceptable she'll carry on doing it , resulting in more upset children and parents, and perhaps even parents pulling their children out of the nursery (which the HT won't want).

I'd even go so far as to say that the teacher is partly at fault here- had you known in advance that your DD had won a prize, you might have been able to rearrange other activities in order to attend prizegiving. Nobody wants to drag an ill, tired, crying 4yo out late at night if it can be avoided.

thevenerablebidet · 13/07/2012 13:23

Solesource, what a horrible attitude. I struggled for years ttc and went through several losses, and the superior attitude that some parents have towards the childless is just nasty. Parents don't have a monopoly on patience, and the post is nothing to do with whether the teacher has kids herself or not!

OP, you sound really sensible. Good luck for next year, and I'm sure there'll be other prizegivings.

SoleSource · 13/07/2012 13:29

FGS you are reading too much into things and you do not me either! You seem lovely yourself

tethersend · 13/07/2012 13:40

RuleBrittania, Glaikit is right, I was not referring to taxes.

By your logic, teachers are all self employed

I was just asking if the OP was handing over money to be belittled in such an unprofessional manner- I'm sure I could do it for less

Original poster

stillastruggle · 13/07/2012 13:45

Thanks. I know I should point out to the teacher and/or head that it would be easier, when our children are this young, if we knew in advance how essential our attendance was so we could plan for it a bit more; would save parents after us the same annoyance. Perhaps I'll do it tomorrow when have a calmer head and some perspective!

OP posts:

EdgarAllenPimms · 13/07/2012 13:47

are you absolutely sure that when teacher turned away they were talking about you?

general dissing of parents would be bad too, within earshot of one!

QuickLookBusy · 13/07/2012 13:49

As you say this is the third time you have seen the teacher behave like this I would definitely go and see the HT.

I would also be a rather concened that at the very end of term, when the vast majority of children should have settled well, this teacher is still having "to prise children off parents and get them settled" Does not sound a great advert for her as a teacher.

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