My mum criticises everything in my home! (I'm going to explode one day)

[lastnerve]

I don't live at home anymore and my mum does help a lot but every time she comes around it is constant criticism its actually staggering how rude sometimes. I certainly would not tolerate that of my MIL so she if already being given leniency.

I am no born housewife but I am trying to be better but is a process, the thing that irratates me is that she was certainly no martha stewart herself when I was a child, between both my parents I used to wipe my feet on the way out.

I think its the rudeness/hypocrisy that annoys me, I am a younger mum aswell I think was I older she would show more respect.

When I lived at home I was often undermined by her plus others etc infront of dc and its been a long haul to actually get them to a point where they will listen to me and respect my authority, I don't want my hard work undoing .

What do I do? I'm boiling with rage and despair at the same time, AIBU to need to say something before I explode.

So say something. You have the right to tell someone when they are making you feel miserable.

look mum, I do appreciate the help you give me, but your constant criticisms are wearing me down. If you can't stop then it would probably be better for me to manage without your help, because it comes at too high a price for me.

that's a bloody good point, Euphemia. The number of people who refer to their parent's home as "home" is staggering. You are quite right that it does reveal more than they think

My mum is a bit like this. I think she forgets what it's like keeping house in between work and young kids.

She denies the fact my sisters and I would spend mornings raking around for clean uniform, hair bands and socks. With a family of five the only reason the dishes were always done was because we'd do them for money!

My mother was exactly the same, i had an abusive neglectful childhood, though.

She managed to nearly destroy my self esteem after just having my first DD.

It come to a head and after i moved, away, i had limited contact with her until i was in a better place to challenge everything negative that came out of her mouth.

It was the only way to put a stop to it.

She isn't going to change without you forcing that change.

She wasn't abusive , neglectful etc but in no position to judge my levels of tidiness lol.

Thats a good point Euphemia , I do see it as home still in some ways.

Perhaps it´s because she helps you a lot?

She feels as if you still need her/couldn´t cope without her help?

Therefore still sees you as a child & her as the adult & feels she can say anything?

Euphemia, the phrase "Woman up" is brilliant. I am stealing it. Thank you!

choice phrases from DM

"its never usually this tidy"- to dsis who spent days getting her house looking perfect as DMs sisters were visiting from abroad, and we hadn't seen them since childhood.

"if you just did a bit more each day, it would be cleaner."- to me, with husband, 3 kids, working full time, doing a degree and looking after HER mother.

we are in our forties- woman up now. And, agree, we lived in a tip as a child- that apparently was my fault as well.

"She wasn't abusive , neglectful etc but in no position to judge my levels of tidiness"

So TELL her a few facts then! Tell her that she is in NO position to judge and if your home is SUCH a pit for her to deign to visit, then not to bother!

Indeed, WOMAN UP!

I got this with my DAd btw.

he came around once and said 'Oh I suppose it's hard to keep on top of a house when you have a small child'

I work, am on my own and DS is 6, going on whirlwind.

funny enough, I haven't invited Dad over much since.

I'd play insult bingo and see show may insults she can chalk up in a single session.Make it a game ,and then tell her her score!!

Definitely say something! Tell her how unhelpful her comments are. It's your home, you are the boss!

Do I get to be the first to say it? Remember the MN motto:

"Did you mean that to sound so rude?"

Therefore still sees you as a child & her as the adult & feels she can say anything?

you are probably quite right there diddl,

But what do I say?

Hmm I may actually say to her 'and you're Martha Stewart are you??'

her dm, my gm forever picks her up on what she doesn't do, just seems she is copying the pattern.

Explode is what you need to do imo.

'Expletive expletive epletive mother if you can't say anything pleasant don't say anything at all. If you don't like how I do things expletive expletive back home and expletive stay there'. At top of voice then walk out of the room closing the door quietly behind you (so you don't have to think of a follow up). But must be at top of voice to jolt her out of her routine.

If it was me I think I'd be inclined to tell her to help you, if she criticises you for not washing up, tell her to wash up and you'll dry up!

Otherwise spend the whole time cleaning and tidying around her!

My mum does this and I left home 17 years ago.

I just smile and nod.

that's a bloody good point, Euphemia. The number of people who refer to their parent's home as "home" is staggering. You are quite right that it does reveal more than they think My father did that until he died at the age of 75.
And he hadn't even lived in the house he was referring to!

It's just a bit of a tradition I think. It's not the house, it's the people, iyswim.

Tell her repeatedly in a monotone voice that you find her comments unhelpful and rude.
Then ask her what she hoped to achieve by saying them

Remember in a low monotone

If she tries to make light of the comment or brush it aside. Tell her that you find the commentary unacceptable, unhelpful and rude.
Say,
I'd prefer if you have nothing useful or pleasant to say about the house that you simply say nothing.

This will need to be repeated for a few weeks.
Her behaviour will change as she will see you taking control, setting boundaries
She may also be a person who likes a row or to control via a row - that's why not losing your temper is important. This is your agenda and your point to make. Do not allow yourself to be sidetracked.

My Mum refuses to believe I can know my way round an area I live in even routes I do every day for years or that I know how any appliance in my kitchen works.

Sometimes I smile, sometime I argue that she's being ridiculous , sometimes I ignore.

I can't change her view what ever I do but I do whatever necessary not to let it get to me.

My Mum does this OP and I'm 40! I think some Mums do it as a way of trying to help...it's a silly way to try and help though. My Mum gets told now...she also asks personal questions about mine and DHs income which I HATE and I say "Don't ask personal questions Mum!" and I laugh at the same time....s she can't be offended.
As to the cleaning...tell her "Ah well....I'll see enough dirt when I'm dead! I'd rather spend my living days having a good time!"