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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be offended by this comment?

41 replies

Ecgwynn · 13/07/2012 08:28

Yesterday I was out for lunch with a group of friends and their babies, all aged about 2 months and all apart from mine EBF. I was giving my DS a bottle of formula milk (I top up his breast feeds with this on advice from the doctor). This reminded one friend of the fact that she is going to see her parents abroad and she is leaving the baby with her mum for a day so she will have to leave her with a bottle of formula. She then said 'A little bit won't harm her will it?'.

I appreciate that breast is best, but I find it a bit insensitive/inaccurate to insinuate that I am harming my baby by giving him formula, especially as it's not out of choice and I wish that I could EBF.

I know the comment was in no way directed at me and I'm probably being over sensitive. Would you be offended if you FF?

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 13/07/2012 10:10

Really though.. Why wouldn't she just leave breast milk with her mum to feed her baby?
I have formula fed, mixed fed and ebf for my 3. They are all healthy

JustFabulous · 13/07/2012 10:12

I think she sounds like she is trying to do what she thinks is best for her baby and is worried that by giving some formula will upset the breast feeding they have established.

NurseBernard · 13/07/2012 10:17

I did the whole EBF for the first 6 months and then BF both for over a year, and wouldn't have dreamt of saying this in front of a FF Mum.

Sorry, but I think it was a really insensitive - even provocative - thing to say.

'A little bit won't harm her, will it?' So contrived. If she thought for a minute that it would, then she wouldn't be leaving her, or at the very least, would leaver her with expressed milk. So she is saying it for no good reason at all.

I would feel like a complete twat saying something like this in real life, especially in front of a FF Mum...

TroublesomeEx · 13/07/2012 10:24

I wouldn't be offended. Although it does depend on how it was said.

Unless I had reason to think otherwise, I would think she was just seeking reassurance from her own rhetorical musing. Not passing judgement on people who FF.

When your baby is so young, you always have a brief "that'll be ok won't it?" to any change in your usual routine, just in case...

She's probably cringing now at how thoughtless she was saying it in front of you.

Softlysoftly · 13/07/2012 10:26

I've said this!! You're not my ff mate are you changing details?

Doubt it actually ff mate couldn't give a flying fuck as long as her li is happy, hide like a rhino

Anyway DD2 is 7 wks EBF and I'm struggling with lack of sleep and needing to work, considering giving her the odd ff and have genuinly said this when discussing.

My concerns are increasing her wind, throwing her stomach off, upsetting my supply and her latch. DD1 was Eff from 8 weeks so clearly I'm not anti ff and would have never meant that by it therefore if your friend is the same and not a snidy b1tch then YABU and need to be comfortable in your choices.

Think of it like this, people say "letting then stay up late this once won't harm will it?" that doesn't mean they think late nights are the work of devil parents now does it?!

maybenow · 13/07/2012 10:30

i think you're being way oversensitive - maybe she even wanted you to chip in with your experience as it sounds like your LO is ok going between bottle and nipple without issues... you could have reassured her that it's working for you and your LO.

SomethingSuitablyWitty · 13/07/2012 10:30

I wouldn't be offended, as I don't think it was in anyway aimed at you, but I would probably have noticed it and wouldn't much care for it.

FWIW, I don't think it's routine and latch she was worried about, I'd say it was the notion of giving her breastfed PFB formula she was worried about and it may be something she feels strongly about and is beating herself up a bit over. Not your problem: you don't need her to approve your feeding choices and she doesn't need you to approve hers. She was thoughtless though.

Socknickingpixie · 13/07/2012 10:36

I wouldn't be offended and I wouldn't have thought the comment had any relivance to my circumstances unless she did something else to convey that she really ment it in a negative way directed to me.
I would think she was concerned about thigs like the bottle teat causing an issue or her own milk supply or baby refusing the bottle and causing a prob for the grandparents,I would in no way have taken it as a formula is poisen thing and would have reasured her as best I could

NurseBernard · 13/07/2012 10:37

If she felt that strongly about it, she wouldn't be leaving her PFB for the day, or would be leaving her with expressed milk...

thegingerone · 13/07/2012 10:59

I'm not going to YABU you because i think you have ever right to be sensitive about things you hear that bother you IYKWIM. However i guess your friend didn't mean to upset you but I like a previous poster would try not to say something like that to someone who has made a differant parenting choice (esp if that choice was forced upon you in some way. This is not just in realation to feeding choices but in a generalised way)

However, goodness knows, loads of us have put own foots in our mouths especially in those first few months when you trying to do it "perfectly". (Everyone's perfect is differant) I remember sitting in cafes with my group of friends and babies and I wish I'd recorded us because it was a stream of "shall mummy take you home and feed you the pureed organic veg that i cooked for you dahhhhrling?" and " Is it time for a BREAST feed?" Believe it or not we're all quite nice normal people but we were all looking for confirmation that we were doing it OK. In fact there is a video of me saying in background "Oh no. I'm going to try to ensure that gingerfirstborn only has wooden toys." I am not like that honest!!!!!

Have you searched for the thread "I feel an idiot. I can't believe I just said this to my friend" that your friend has posted

MidWeekSlump · 13/07/2012 12:34

I am guessing this is a group of first time mothers who have read every book and attended every class so know everything

Hang in there, by number 3 she'll have them on fruit shoots and crisps

Val007 · 13/07/2012 12:38

I don't understand why breastfeeding mothers should try their hardest not to offend formula feeding mothers by constantly watching what they say. They voice their opinion, everyone is entitled to one. If you felt offended, it means you yourself believe you are doing something wrong.
Wright?

Rachtoteach · 13/07/2012 13:57

Yanbu, it would have peed me off, especially as you were sitting there giving your baby formula. Silly woman. There is a certain amount of snoberry around this issue, is there not?

CrazyRandomHappenstance · 13/07/2012 14:05

I can see her point TBH, when i moved DD1 onto formula she got very constipated because she was used to breast milk so she probably means will a little bit make her ill because its not what her body is used to.
Perfectly valid question and YABU to be offended

attheendoftheday · 13/07/2012 15:49

I think you're reading too much into it, tbh. It doesn't sound to me like she was getting at you.

Rollersara · 13/07/2012 16:02

I'm another one who may have said this, or something similar, to the mum of an FF baby. What I meant, and how she understood it was, "You have done this successfully, did you have any problems?". It was very helpful, she suggested trying formula with the baby with me there in case she didn't take to the bottle, as her LO (FF on medical advice as well) took a while to persuade the first time...

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