to feel totally and utterly ambivalent about the whole thing at 18 weeks?

[utopian99]

My husband has always wanted children and was very up front about it when we met in uni, I've always been more take-them-or-leave them; although I had a really happy childhood and love being a part of my family I've never had an urge to have my own children.

I have fun with my cousins' kids (not babies, sort of two year olds and up) and those of friends, within reason, and had always assumed that if I found a man I wanted to marry it would be likely he'd want kids so we'd have them because of that. I really love my husband and we have great relationship, so I also asusmed when we got married that once we got round to kids I'd be happy because they were a bit of him.

We've been married for 2 years and started trying for a baby in January, I became pregnant sometime mid-March, and DH is over the moon and so are all our friends and family and I keep waiting to be excited about the whole thing but I'm not. I'm not UN-happy, it just seems like another project to sort out, that I want to do the best of I can of it and manage the pregnancy to go as smoothly as you can with these things, but once it's born all I think about is that it will mess up my career, my body, our finances, our relationship with each other, etc. If anything, now I AM pregnant I have days I feel more negative about it than I did before.

Is this normal? Will it go away? Or is it just a sign I'm really not in anyway useful as a proper female and being hugely selfish? What doesn't make sense to me is that I love my family and have a hazy idea that being part of my own version of that would be nice, but I just can't seem to feel anything for this impending arrival - maybe just because I'm not that far into it?

Sorry for the waffle, but obviously can't talk about this to anyone I actually know..

I am sure what you are feeling -or not feeling- is incredibly common, and therefore normal. Whatever, your feelings are as valid as anyone else's. I think ambivalence shows you are taking it seriously (!). Objectively, there is a lot to worry and think about so it's as well that we have all those months to get our heads round it.

I was massively ambivalent about my second pregnancy (because I was worried about messing up our family as it stood, and because I knew how hard it would be with two), so that's not so much different from you. But there was also excitement, both times.

If I had to guess I'd say you'll feel more excited as the pregnancy goes on.

I can't say how you'll feel when your baby arrives as everyone's different. But I felt similar to the way you are during my first pregnancy. Although planned, I felt like I'd made a mistake once I got that positive test result. I didn't really look forward to meeting my child and had very very few moments of feeling excited. I was actually convinced I'd end up with PND as I felt so negative about the whole thing. Luckily (!!) once my DD arrived I knew I had made the best decision of my life to start a family. I think it's very likely you will feel the same. YANBU I think it is quite common to feel like this although not the "done thing" to discuss it freely I suppose so everyone thinks it should all be hearts and flowers!
I'm now pregnant for a second time and AM feeling 100% more positive this time round.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. Just a note - I did have a few moments after DD was born where I felt like she had "come between" DP and I - newborns are SO time demanding that if you expect this then it won't be shock IYSWIM. The demanding stage does pass, I promise! My DD is 14 mo now and DP and I go out for meals etc so things do go back to normal!

I don't think that there is a 'normal' way to be feeling. Some people will feel content, some panicky, some worried, some excited, some ambivalent.

I think with your first pregnancy especially, no matter how you feel before the birth, the reality will, in some way, take you by surprise. I also think as the pregnancy progresses, you do start to give it more headspace as the baby starts making itself felt and noticed more and more.

No two children are the same, and no two mothers are the same. It sounds like you are setting off with the best of intentions as your baseline and that is good, but it's really after the birth (and sometimes quite a while after) that you settle yourself into the role of whatever sort of mother you will be.

Good luck and try not to worry!

You could argue, that not feeling entirely happy about it could save you from the crash of thwarted unreasalistic expectations when reality hits. I think there's a lot of focus on pregnancy, and not so much about the realities and practicalities of having a baby. There was when I was first pg, anyway (12 years ago)

Btw, during my first pregnancy I felt sort of happy to be pregnant, but had no real clear vision of how life with a baby would be other than a vague 'sort of nice I suppose, and we are married and we're not getting any younger and children is just what people do, isn't it?' It took a few months for me to feel affectionate towards her beyond the fairly automatic protective feeling. She's 2.6 now and is everything to me.

BTW - being a mother has been the best thing I've experienced, aware I sound negative above!!

There are loads of downsides to having children, and it sounds like you are very much aware of them. This is a good thing as Jamie says - saves you from unrealistic expectations.

There is one big upside - which is that (in general) you think your child is the most amazing thing ever.

Most people find the upside outweighs the downsides.

However, at this point in time, you have not yet experienced the upside. It is hard to imagine the "my child is amazing" feeling. It is much easier to imagine the sleepless nights, career problems, etc.

Therefore, at this point, it is only logical to be not entirely convinced you are doing the right thing.

Does that make sense?

So, YANBU by the way

Well put minipie.

Ambivalence about motherhood is quite normal IMO. I'm still ambivalent about the many, huge changes that it's wrought on my life and I have two kids, aged 4 and 1. I was always a bit take-it-or-leave-it about being a mother too and, if I'm brutally honest, I still am. I love my kids with all my heart, but do I love the day-to-day grind of motherhood? A lot of the time, no. Do I look at my post-baby body and think it looks great? Nope. Do I often wish I could just pick up my handbag and walk out the door to a destination of my choice without having to negotiate with a 4-year-old and take a 1-year-old with me? Hell, yeah! So welcome to motherhood.

thanks everyone for the replies, it's good to feel it's not just me being awful and horrid and to also think it might well change a bit once, as minipie puts it, there's a real upside in the form of the real baby to experience..

will keep on hoping for the hormones to kick in!

juneau - It gets better, so much better. Honestly.

uto you could be me I am also 18 weeks and feeling the same. It's probably the biggest life change that someone can embark on. I just hope it's as good as they all tell me :)

This is exactly how I felt during my first pregnancy. DH and I had been together 15 years, married for 5, he'd always wanted kids and all our friends were starting to have babies so just felt like it was the obvious next stage. I'd always been ambivalent about pregnancy and babies - was really scared of childbirth and never felt broody or interested in small children and I couldn't envisage the baby in the slightest whilst pregnant. It was fine though once DD arrived. I agree that there is a massive focus on pregnancy and can be really hard to picture what your life will be like once the baby arrives.

TBH, I think pregnancy ambivalence is a sign of intelligence.

YANBU in the least, OP, nor 'awful and horrid'. What minipie says is entirely true, as is juneau's post. There's also the fact that you simply don't have your baby yet, and you may not even have the odd kick or wriggle, so it's difficult to imagine it as a real human being - so there's nothing to love yet, and you're left pondering the potentially negative changes to come because they're more concrete than your baby-to-be. They're not more valid or important, but they feel that way now.

I would say that if pregnancy, birth and (older) first-time motherhood (my baby is four months old) have taught me anything, it's the old chestnut 'this too will pass', and not to overthink the future/worry about what might or might not happen or what you may or may not feel. Go easy on yourself and don't flagellate yourself for not feeling what you think you're supposed to be feeling.

Anne Enright in her book about having babies (name escapes me - might be Making Babies?) says something about your life as a result getting much harder and much better. That's true in my experience, and I certainly didn't spend my pregnancy shrieking with delight and throwing ticker tape parades.

Sorry OP, I probably sound rather bleak. I'm finding 4 and 1 a bit of a rough combination!

Jamie - I sincerely hope it does get better. DH and I had a lovely date on Fri night and I'm really trying now to put some fun back in my life. It's so hard though - they just drain me.

I found out I was pregnant with ds when my dd was just 6 months old. I was devastated, I hoped I would miscarry then I would not have to deal with it. As it happened the pregnancy went smoothly but I spent 9 months really not wanting another child. I hate writing that down now as it makes me sound so cold but that was how I truly felt, of course I could not tell anybody. I was dreading how I would feel. As soon as ds was born he was taken into special care and I went down to see him, it was there that I fell head over heals in love with my little man and I knew everything would be fine. He is now a very lovely 7 year old and i would not change him for all of the world. You will be fine, honestly.

I don't think I 'bonded' with my dcs in utero until I was at least 25 weeks.

It definitely gets easier - I'm not a baby person either but everyone seems to think the instant you get pregnant that you should coo over them, become teary-eyed over little booties and blub over significant moments... Um, no not all of us. Well not me anyway.

They do become a lot more interesting and fun once they hit 18 months. Before then it's pretty much the most dull, relentless and unrewardeding thing you've ever done. And everyone you know will inevitably spend that time telling you how precious it is, and how you must feel a rush of love unlike any other. It's complete nonsense. Frankly I preferred my cat to my baby.

The thing is: there are lots of people who feel exactly like you, but any time they open their mouths the Mother Superiors step in and tell them that they must be clinically depressed or shouldn't have got pregnant in the first place. Which is of course nonsense and completely untrue.

Just repeat after me - I will get to 18 months, I will got to 18 months, I will get to 18 months...

Juneau - mine are 2.7 apart. The time when they were 1 and 3, 2 and 5 were the worst. It feels like you have just got out of one full-on toddler mode to go into another one. Basically non-stop toddler for a few years. It got steadily better and better - big jump when DS2 started school nursery. They are 9 and nearly-12 now, and I am having the best time with them.

thanks for all the replies, and sorry not to reply sooner (having fun with remembering my login..)
Feeling more positive, I think I'm just not the hearts-and-flowers baby type, but I agree with northerngirl41 I think I'm looking forward to him/her/it being just a little older when i'll probably find it much more fun. or i may end up bonding as soon as it's born, who knows... DH is still happily chatting away to it through my stomach, even though it's not much of a bump yet, which makes me feel happier, cause he's quite funny!