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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect our DDs boyfriend to meet us.

49 replies

LaurieBlueBell · 12/07/2012 12:45

DD is 26 weeks pregnant. The baby wasn't planned. DD had on been with her partner 4 months when she fell pregnant. I will admit to being gutted when I first found out but these things happen and the baby will be much loved.

They have no plans to live together but are still a couple and he will be involved with the baby.
However, he refuses to meet me. I think that is really strange. I've always got on well with DDs previous partners so no reputation as MiL from hell . I think it would be polite thing to meet her parents. DH is very reasonable and as far as I now doesn't have a shotgun .
DD has asked him to meet us but he just d
Am I being terribly old fashioned or is this boy/man a complete dick.

OP posts:

therumoursaretrue · 12/07/2012 13:16

I'm 22 and DP is 24 and we are expecting first baby. I've asked my mum to be my birth partner as I'm allowed 2, but she gets on really well with DP and my family knew him well before I got pg.

I think he is BU not to meet you, but I know its probably quite a hard situation to meet your GFs mum in for the first time! Maybe if it was very informal and your DD could reassure him in advance that your not going to put any wild expectations on him it would be easier?

I do think though it's a bit of a mark of the man, he has the chance to make a good impression and show he is taking responsibility here and if he is smart I think he will take the opportunity!

GinPalace · 12/07/2012 13:18

You could meet in a public place, like a quiet pub, so he is reassured you aren't going to shout. Agree with therumours that it is a bit spineless to not recognise he should meet you.

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2012 13:18

What does your DD think about it?

therumoursaretrue · 12/07/2012 13:20

Sorry x post; I see you have said it's all been very casual invitations.

I'm not sure how you or your DD should proceed with this really, but surely he realises he is making it much more awkward in the long-run. I'd definitely be erring on the side of caution if I was your DD, his actions don't make him seem very commuted.

bejeezus · 12/07/2012 13:22

I would just turn up at dds gaff, when you know he will be there

GinPalace · 12/07/2012 13:23

Oh dear, it does sound like he is a bit of a pleb. :(

If he can't see it is in his own and everyone's interests he must be exceedingly stupid immature.

therumoursaretrue · 12/07/2012 13:24

*committed not commuted!

financialwizard · 12/07/2012 13:25

I would do what bejeezus said as well with a shotgun

Tryharder · 12/07/2012 13:28

He doesnt want to meet his own child's grandparents? I thought you were going to say he's 15, not 23. Why would your DD want to be with someone so pathetic?

bragmatic · 12/07/2012 13:33

Hmmm. Can you meet his parents at least?

ataglance · 12/07/2012 13:45

YANBU, how odd. I think he is being very rude to be honest and would be very annoyed. Most likely he is just immature and as others have said not planning to stick around for the long haul.

I too would be starting to dislike him already whether that is unreasonable or not! I guess in the circumstances all you can do is be as supportive as possible to your DD and deal with him as politely as you can when/if you ever meet.

GinPalace · 12/07/2012 13:47

That's a good idea from Bragmatic, he can't stop his parents wanting to meet you, and then it'd be even harder for him not to meet you as they will know he hasn't and would surely put him straight (fingers crossed).

You may have to discuss child care or who knows what at some point, so it is a practical wish as well as anything else.

Original poster

LaurieBlueBell · 12/07/2012 14:00

That is a good idea Bragmatic I have said I would like to meet his mum but to be fair distance and circumstances on both sides would make that difficult at the moment.

I think he is keeping his options open re doing a runner. I am very tempted to send him a message via facebook telling him he is a gutless little shit saying how nice it would be if we met before the birth.

OP posts:

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 12/07/2012 14:08

I was going to say what brag said. Just get their number or address by stealth if necessary and give his parents a ring/write a note, and ask them if they would like to go for a cuppa/drink to get to know you since you will all be the baby's grandparents.
Father to be is behaving like an arse and the longer it goes on, the worse it will get.

Birdsgottafly · 12/07/2012 14:14

You need to communicate with his family, then, this isn't up to him.

Is your DD definately passing on this wanting to meet up?

You have a lifetime of having to consult over this child, if they are a decent family, surely you allwnt tobuy something, it stops any animosity if everyone is open.

We have just have to all come together with my DP ex and her family, during a 21st Birthday party.

This stand off is ridiculous.

QuintessentialShadows · 14/07/2012 18:52

And when you DO meet up with his parents, remember to slip in how disappointed you are that their son is refusing to meet you. ...

What idiotic and immature behavior.

MammaTJ · 14/07/2012 19:10

I was going to suggest planning an 'accidental' meeting with your daughter.

Getting together with his parents is a good option though.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/07/2012 19:29

Crikey! How odd and rude. At their ages, it's not really excusable for him not to step up, is it? (Not that it ever is but you could understand a 16 year old being nervous .. not so much this!)

Best wishes for your DD's pregnancy, btw.

2rebecca · 14/07/2012 20:26

If they had only been going out for 4 months when your daughter fell pregnant then he's really more a boyfriend than a partner. The pregnancy sounds unplanned, did he get any say in whether or not your daughter went ahead with the pregnancy? They have no plans to live together so it all sounds a bit unstable.
I avoided meeting my boyfriends' parents until I really had to. Generally I met the parents of relationships that lasted over a year.
If the relationship lasts he will meet you, if it doesn't then he may not, although I'd hope he'd still have contact with his child, but presumably that would be through your daughter so you may not be involved.

Jiggleballs123 · 14/07/2012 20:39

It does sound very strange and as though he is very immature.

But right now I think him meeting you is the least of your problems there is obviously a very high chance that this won't work out and your dd will be on her own with the baby so I'd be concentrating on supporting her in every way possible.

Debeezandbirds · 14/07/2012 20:44

I can understand where you're coming from but I think pushing the meeting on him will not help his feeling or his rubbish approach to the whole thing.

He should be meeting up, no doubt you'll all be helping with the baby and it will be easier to get along in the delivery suite if you're not shaking hands and making introductions over your labouring daughter.

However, he sounds like a prat, prats don't work well with pressure. What's done is done, your daughter is pregnant by him and regardless of what happens he will always be part of your life at the Father of your Grandchild. Maybe he'll sort his head out, it is very early, it doesn't sound planned and they've not been together long.

You have time yet, give him time, as a previous poster mentioned men don't get the say in whether to proceed in unexpected pregnancies the way women do. He may still be getting his head round it all.

GhouliaYelps · 14/07/2012 20:44

What an idiot

candr · 14/07/2012 20:53

I would meet him anyway without his prior knowledge as it seems he may do a runner and would prefer you to not know him. I would also get the parents address so your DD can chase him for money if needed. A sad situation but better no dad than a crap one. You DD is lucky to have parents willing to help her and take an interest.
He may just be scared you will give him a bolloking? for getting her pg. In which case 'man up dude!'

TroLoLoLo · 14/07/2012 21:32

YANBU. He is being odd, rude and very immature. Unfortunately, he is the DF of your unborn DGC so probably best to ignore it and try to maintain a great relationship with your DD.

Good luck

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