Dont Panic
14 Jul 2012 14:03
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Gather round men, I have some important news.
CORPORAL JONES (shouts): Gather round, everyone gather round, at the double?
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Thank you Jones. Now, headquarters have entrusted us with an important mission.
CORPORAL JONES: Important mission, important mission.
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Indeed. As you know, the Olympics are upon us, and we have been ordered to guard the Olympic stadium.
PRIVATE GODFREY: Why that?s marvellous news Captain Mainwaring. My sister Dolly will be so pleased. Perhaps she can make her upside down cake to feed the athletes.
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: I?m afraid not, Godfrey. Hodges the ARP warden and Greengrocer has the catering contract. Anyone selling unauthorised foodstuffs will be prosecuted.
PRIVATE GODFREY: But I thought Mr Hodges was on the vicarage roof looking for enemy aircraft. Won?t he be overstretched?
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: He?ll just have to make do like the rest of us.
PRIVATE PIKE (giggling): The vicar isn?t half annoyed. Says it make the vicarage a target.
SERGEANT WILSON: Oh do be quiet, Frank.
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Meanwhile, the road to London is out of commission. Seems the bridge is falling down. I?ve sent Private Sponge and his men to repair it. Should be ready in time, if it doesn?t rain
PRIVATE PIKE: Mr Mainwaring sir, my mum says there aren?t enough of us to guard the whole Olympics. She says there are thousands of terrorists dressed as nuns, all in black. They might have bombs in their wimples.
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Stupid boy.
SERGEANT WILSON: Maybe Frank has a point. After all, there will be lots of people there. We can?t search them all.
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Hmm... Perhaps you?re right. (Looks around the platoon) Any suggestions?
PRIVATE WALKER: I can supply as many men as you want, Captain. Just say the word.
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Really? But how? Most of the army is busy, and the rest are being laid off.
PRIVATE WALKER: Not to worry Captain. I have a contact in the Boy Scouts.
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Splendid.
PRIVATE WALKER: Mind, they won?t come cheap. I?ll need to thoroughly train them first.
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Money is no object. How long will it take to turn them into crack guards?
PRIVATE WALKER: Half an hour. Including vetting.
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: That?s settled then. Any more questions?
PRIVATE FRASIER: Aye. How in God?s name can youngsters guard the Olympics? The whole thing is a shambles and will come to ruin, mark my words.
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Nonsense Frasier. I have complete confidence in them all. Look at the initiative they showed last summer when they supplied us with cheap flat-screen TVs and trainers.
CORPORAL JONES: Don?t Panic!
PRIVATE GODFREY: May I be excused?
PRIVATE FRASIER: We?re all doomed?