Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel jealous of my friend

27 replies

KenyanSunrise · 11/07/2012 19:02

Hi, this is my first thread and I'm ready for a roasting...however I really need to see if I am being completely unreasonable or if others would feel the same.

My best friend and I have been friends since the first year of secondary school, she has a heart of gold and I know she would never intentionally say or do anything to upset me. That is what makes me feel awful for feeling this way towards her.

Here goes, please be kind in your comments :)

My best friend had her 1st child at 17, she left college and to her credit has done a great job of bringing up her little boy.

She has not worked while bringing her son up but has now been told she has to come off income support and go on to job seekers and find a job.
I also left college before I finished but have a good job and have just had my 1st child, who is now 11 weeks old.

This is where me feeling jealous now seeps in :(

I am in a job that involves shift work, my partner works regular hours but leaves very early in the morning and gets home around 8pm. Our baby was not planned but was a very pleasant surprise. We both work hard to rent a 2 bed flat that is the best we can afford, and have saved enough for me to have 7 months off on maternity leave before I have to return to work.
I was talking to my friend this morning about how sad I am to only have 7 months with my little boy before I have to go back to work and that if I wasn't the main earner, or if we could afford to I would have liked to be off longer, she replied that she also feels awful that she is being made to find a job as she will miss her boy and she doesn't think its fair that she should be made to work while her boy is still in school!
She said that she wants to have another baby, and she can't decide whether to have the baby first or get a job first, as if she gets a job first she will miss all the 'firsts' i.e 1st step, 1st word etc. Now maybe I'm being oversensitive because of my baby, but I couldn't help but feel she was being very insensitive as she knows I'm gutted that there's every possibility that I will miss 1st word etc.

She then went on to moan about the flat she lives in, even though it is a beautiful large 2 double bedroom flat that I would give my left hand for but cannot afford.

Now I'm honestly not trying to start a war about benefits or people on benefits or anything else, and I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I guess my question is, am I being unreasonable to feel jealous that my friend lives in a lovely flat that she pays very little for, she got to spend 7 years with her little boy without having to worry about going back to work and she has never seemed to go without (shes always managed to come out for drinks etc) and yet she doesn't have to work or feel that she should get a job eventually. Yet my partner and I have to work all hours God sends to afford our flat and everything else that's needed in life.
Now I've written this down I've realised I don't actually care about the flat, but I do care that she has had all this time with her baby and I just can't afford to.
Jealously is an awful emotion and I don't want to lose our friendship over something that I guess you guys will say is trivial, but it really has upset me.

Sorry that was so long and thanks for reading.

What should I do?

OP posts:
chibi · 11/07/2012 19:11

i think you are taking your sad feelings about missing firsts and projecting them on to your friend

fwiw i think a baby's first is the first time you see it

both of mine were at the childminder before they could walk or talk. realistically, they may well have taken a step at hers or babbled (though she never told me and i love love love her for that!), but to me their first steps were with me, i can remember with each of my children clearly

try to take heart in that. your friend's life is her life, and isn't a comment on yours

scarletforya · 11/07/2012 19:12

Get yourself sacked and go on benefits. If you can't beat 'em join 'em. Hmm

TheCraicDealer · 11/07/2012 19:14

It's normal to feel a bit Envy when you think that someone has it better. But she's probably thought that about you more than once during your friendship- you didn't have the responsibility of a child at 17, you've got yourself a job and you're having a wean in a loving relationship. I'm sure she's felt a bit jealous of you for at least one of those things over the course of your friendship. It all evens out eventually.

WorraLiberty · 11/07/2012 19:14

I think what you should do is stop looking at the 'greener grass' and concentrate on your own life and that of your family.

I sometimes feel sorry for people who would desperately love to be at home with their kids but can't afford to, and other times I don't... if for example they insist they 'need' expensive cars, holidays, handbags, shoes etc.

But regarding your friendship, I wouldn't let your jealousy or resentment show as it's not going to change your situation...but it might change you friendship.

waterwatereverywhere · 11/07/2012 19:15

YANBU to feel like this. It is hard to see someone else having things that you can't have however much of a good friend they are. However, to tell her how you feel would be BU - it's your issue not hers. She's living her life the way she knows how and so are you. I imagine in her mind you are probably the lucky one with a career, a DP and your own flat.
Things always look greener when you're not living in them.

Kaluki · 11/07/2012 19:17

It's about choice at the end of the day isn't it?!
I understand how you feel, but it isn't her fault. Maybe she was insensitive but from what you say of her she probably didn't intend to be.
Just enjoy your baby and stop comparing lives - there may be things she envies about your life? Is she single? Maybe she envies you for being in a relationship? It's not worth ending an friendship over Smile

roughtyping · 11/07/2012 19:19

Living on income support as a single parent is tough. I also had my boy at 17, was at home for 9 months with him before starting uni. It was hard - and I lived with my parents so didn't have any added pressure about housing etc. FWIW I'm 26 now and life is only just starting to get easier.

It's totally understandable to feel upset that you won't spend as much time as you want with your baby. But YABU to be jealous of someone who has probably found life quite tricky up to now.

Original poster
KenyanSunrise · 11/07/2012 19:22

Thanks guys, It never occurred to me that she may have felt jealous of me over the years, that's definitely food for thought Blush
WorraLiberty I don't think I think the grass is greener for her as I have seen her struggle in the early days, however I don't go to work for expensive cars etc, infact, my friend and I drive the same make of car, same year, same colour, same everything lol, not planned I promise :) I go to work to pay rent and put food on the table. You are right though it's not something I want to ruin our friendship over.
I guess I was just having a poor me moment :(
Chibi, thank you for your comment, you're right when he takes his 1st steps with me I shall declare them his first :)

OP posts:
Original poster
KenyanSunrise · 11/07/2012 19:25

Kaluki, no she isn't single, she has been in a relationship since her boy was about a year and a half. You're right though, I wouldn't want our friendship to end over my jealousy

OP posts:
whackamole · 11/07/2012 19:28

Theoretically I missed a lot of 'firsts' with my twins as they were in nursery from 8 months old. But I didn't really, as their firsts were always firsts with me!

Plus, I tried being a SAHM and as much as I love my children I just couldn't hack it. I'm just back after another baby and to be quite honest, I love being back at work. You might feel the same.

PinsAndNoodles · 11/07/2012 19:29

She might also be nervous about what job she's going to do after not working for so long.

I sometimes get jealous of friends who are SAHM but there are benefits to having a working life as well as spending time with your children.

chipsandmushypeas · 11/07/2012 19:33

My sister is exactly like your friend. Had first at 20, second at 22, went on IS and got house. Didn't work all through pregnancy and is only working now her dcs are 11 and 13!

I'm really struggling working a very physical job while pregnant, she has no sympathy and has the view of 'get on with it'.

Me and DP work bloody hard, baby will prob have to go to nursery very young too.

But I would never swap places, ever.

YANBU

bookbird · 11/07/2012 21:07

YANBU at all to feel a bit Envy and your friend has been quite insensitive.

No good can come from feeling jealous of her though. Focus your energy on the positives in your life and enjoy your maternity leave with your little boy.

ImperialBlether · 11/07/2012 21:11

If she's been in a relationship all that time, does he financially support her or does she exist on benefits?

Original poster
KenyanSunrise · 11/07/2012 21:27

ImperialBlether, they do not live together, he still lives with his parents, so she exists on benefits. However he is very generous to her, for example he bought her car, pays her insurance etc.
I guess I am just being a jealous cow, and I know I need to get over myself but I cant help how I feel.

OP posts:
smoggii · 11/07/2012 21:37

I went back to work when DD was 9 months and so close to walking, I was devastated because I really wanted to be there for the 1st step. Someone said something to me that made me feel so much better

'you may not be there for the very first step but she will walk holding your hand for the rest of your life'

Luckily I was there for the first step (or people had the good grace not to tell me i'd missed it so i thought i did). Even when you are back at work though the majority of time will still be spent in your care, mornings, evenings and weekends, and if you fill that time with being together and enjoying each other's company chances are developmental steps will take place in your presence.

YABabitU with regards to your friend. Your lives have taken different paths and i don't think she meant to hurt your feelings when she commented about her concerns about missing her next childs steps.

I hope this helps you as much as it helped me x

Original poster
KenyanSunrise · 11/07/2012 21:43

Thanks Smoggii yes it did :) and that saying is lovely! I think I may print it off and stick it on my fridge lol

OP posts:
Angelico · 11/07/2012 21:45

YANBU about feeling cross but tbh we all have a tendency to see the world through our own little bubble. By her standards your friend probably feels a bit hard done by as she has had seven years paid for her to be with her son. But by your standards (and anyone who has worked FT and juggled family life) she IBVU and was bloody lucky to get that time.

Once she is in work she'll understand more how tricky it can be juggling work and family life - and tbh she will probably say at that point "I don't know how you've done it all this time!" :)

Angelico · 11/07/2012 21:46

And if you're good friends your friendship will ride this out - you'll probably look back and laugh.

Original poster
KenyanSunrise · 11/07/2012 21:53

Thanks Angelico I think you're right. I guess when her son was younger I understood that she didn't want to work, but now her son is older, at school and his dad takes an active interest (has him at the weekends) I just get a little bit annoyed that she doesn't seem to think she should work for what she has now. However our friendship will survive, she's a lovely person and I'll get over my jealousy, just glad I could rant on here Grin

OP posts:
Krumbum · 11/07/2012 22:25

Have you looked into whether you are entitled to benefits? Most people dont seem to know that low earners are entitled to some housing benefit and tax credits to boost their income. Obviously it depends what your dp earns? But it could allow you to stay at home with your son for much longer.

50shadesofslapntickle · 11/07/2012 22:51

I think you are more fed up with your friend's attitude - which is pretty crap - sponging off the state, such entitlement. People like her get on my nerves, thinking everyone else should pay for them whilst they sit on their arse.

You are doing a fantastic job and your child will be proud of you doing the best you can x

50shadesofslapntickle · 11/07/2012 22:54

I do agree though that you should see if you could get some more maternity time (see if there are any other benefits you could get to get at 9/12 months maternity) - I hope you can X

frikonastick · 12/07/2012 08:27

the theft of all joy is comparison.

Icelollycraving · 12/07/2012 08:43

Yanbu to feel a bit jealous. Your friend has been a bit insensitive,I think if you actually told her you feel jealous of her subsidised flat & years of being paid to stay at home,she would probably be very surprised.
I'm not suggesting you do tell her,but as someone else said,she may be envious of your career,partner etc.
She may want to live with her partner but know her benefits would be cut & feels trapped. Who knows?
If you are good friends,let it go. I would probably tell her you get upset about the comments of what will be missed,there is so much guilt laid on working mums that any throwaway comment can really upset.
Your child will have a great role model of two working parents.