To ask how you discipline/manager your toddler

[KellyElly]

I have a 2.8 year old DD. She has a lovely nature and is quite independent and strong willed which is a good thing in my opinion. She is an angel with family/childminder/dad etc but I feel like I am constantly doing battle with her.

She repeats what I say when I tell her off with a smirk on her face (so annoying), has to be asked about ten times to do anything (usually says no just for the sake of it), has a tantrum about going to bed every night, won't get her clothes etc on and runs away trying to make it into a game (nightmare in the morning when trying to get to work), refuses to let me clean her teeth (she wants to do it - even when I say she can finish if I start) and has quite a lot of tantrums when she can't get her own way (very occasionally smacking me or kicking me).

I don't want to paint her to be a nightmare as she is loving and good natured as well but I am just at a loss how to deal with this change in her personality. I am fairly strict (not over the top) and up until now saying no, counting to three and sometimes time out has worked but not any more. I feel like I'm constantly telling her off and I hate it. Had a really bad day with her the other day and sat and cried after I put her to bed. I'm a single mum so maybe I let it get on top of me more as it's just me and her. It's the repeating what I say with a smirk that drives me insane.

AIBU - will this just pass and is normal or have I spoilt her and made a rod for my own back without meaning to?

At the risk of boring you to death....sticker chart?

it will pass.

i tend to not tell off or get into battles,i just decide what is happening why it is happening and it happens. i tend to treat disapline as educating children as opposed to punishments imho the most important thing is be calm stay in control explain how why and where dont jump on every little thing choose whats important and be prepared to highlight expectations,

i dont think ive even known any of my kids to have full on tantrums for the sake of it so it works for me

I haven't tried that yet but she does like stickers so that will be worth giving a go. I guess if you focus on the positive then bad behaviour will get less and less. I'm probably focussing too much on how to stop the negative and not on rewarding the positive as it's just been relentless and I'm pretty stressed.

Socknickingpixie when I come down to her level and try to explain that's when she starts repeating what I say. How would you deal with that? I'm at a real loss there.

i would say in a cheerfull voice " im very glad you are able to copy what im saying that means your a big girl now show me how grown up you are by doing what WE are saying" if she then does the action or inaction you require big her up tell her how clever she is for understanding.
later at an appropreate time thank her for letting you see how well she did.

dont treat the repeating as a naughty thing treat it as her just talking the words out. she will get very bored of repeating because it will no longer bother you thus removing the amusment factor.

i often find that when there that little sometimes in a smiley way bringing her up to your level for a lets get this done pep talk can be very helpfull

I know it's not for everyone but timeout works very well with DS. I normally start with a "do/don't do ... Because..." then a warning that if he does it again he will have a time out then if it gets to 3rd time time out (followed by talk and cuddles then no more mention)

He is 2.7 and very rarely ends up with time out now.

I also make things like shoes on and tidying up into a race - "can you tidy that jigsaw before I have put the cars away" type thing

I don't really. I think she is genuinely too young to understand - she gets very very frustrated because she can't quite communicate what she wants/feels.

a tantrum tends to last no more than 5 minutes - if I tell her off she is, genuinely, very upset and puzzled for hours - because she wants to please me and gets very tearful if she thinks she hasn't.

the only time i speak to her sternly is when she is hitting/biting/pinching her brother - and i only really do that so he knows that I am on his side too - it doesn't make the blindest bit of difference to her, she'll still do it again tomorrow.

Socknickingpixie I think a change in my attitude would be good as you say being cheerful rather than getting annoyed. I will def try that.

Sirzy How do you do time out? I live in a one bed, so no stairs etc. We share the bedroom. When I did try it in the bedroom she just started playing in there and not really seeing it as a punishment.

No ideas, going through similar myself with ds, just wanted to say you sound like a great mum.

It will pass.

My dd was very hard work at that age EVERYTHING was a battle. It's exhausting, just keep going, be firm, kind, consistant. I found preschool was the turning point and she's been brilliant since.

Being a parent is hard and a single parent very hard.
One day at a time, and make sure you get some down time if it is at all possible.
x

If she ignores me, I tend to ask her to come to me, then cuddle her up briefly to gently explain what I expect of her, and why, if relevant,

If she's deliberately naughty, I tell her sternly that she is not to do that, and why.

I try to keep things bright and breezy unless it's downright naughty behaviour, or dangerous. She seems to realise that.

i think your right, she sounds like a lovely well cared for child who really wants to learn to behave well.

chilling out and appearing relaxed but firm can be the turning point to break a cycle of frustration

Well done for getting this far!

You need to stay as calm with her as you have been in your post.

Don't try to tackle everything at once: there's simply too many things, and it sounds as if she's out of the habit of co-operating in family life. You can tackle this a bit at a time.

Work out which are most important to you (getting out of the house in time in the mornings would probably be my most important, but it might be worth taking action initial at night where you have a bit more time and can stay calmer. Do remember to remove as many problems as possible: simplify things if you can. Consider starting her bedtime routine earlier, so you don't feel time pressure as much (ditto mornings, as earlier start may be possible if you've had an earlier night).

You need to decide on one method of sanction, and stick to it.

Teach her the word "echolalia" and turn her repetition into a joke. At least she is paying attention on one level - use it to get across the messages (for teaching is the real purpose of discipline).

ThatllDoPig Thanks for your nice comments. It is exhausting but glad to hear it will pass. She starts nursery in Jan so hopefully that will be the turning point. Don't get too much downtime but have every other Sunday which I am going to stop wating cleaning the house and catching up and make me time :)

Psammead That's how I was but I think I'm over telling her off now and need to pick my battles more and stop being such a grumpy mum. I feel bad as I think I've got into a rut of being too stressed myself and am making things worse. Bright and breezy it is :)

I face similar challenges with my just gone 3 year old and I find what others have said about picking my battles and trying to turn a request into a positive thing that she wants to do like a race tend to work. Also best to ignore the irritating negative behaviour (like repeating what you say) as she's just trying to get a reaction (I know easier said than done as it can really grate).

Also, for the times when you really do need to get her to do what you say and other techniques aren't working, I find that the general technique of offering a warning with choices and consequences still works if she cares about the consequences (the consequence of time out seems to have lost its punishment power for my daughter too but if I say that if she doesn't do what I ask by the count of three I will take away her favourite toy until tea time so she won't be able to play with it, that tends to work).

An remember - this too will pass! :-)

I think when they are being a pita about everything at once it can be pretty overwhelming for you (why won't they just behave!) and for them (why is mummy annoyed ALL the time!)

A sticker chart is actually helpful I think. It's a reminder both to you, to praise them when they are good, which I'm sure she is a lot of the time, and to her that being good gets them attention too.

We have done time-out, but I have a tiny dirty protestor who wees herself every single time, so I have started moving on to immediate punishments (like no Tree Fu Tom today! but basically as related to what she has been doing wrong as possible - drawing on the walls means pens are confiscated and she must ask to use them)

However, I don't think punishment has had as much of an affect as remembering to praise good behaviour has.

Also, I do partly think the bad behaviour comes and goes in phases, and is definately much worse when she is tired, hungry or feeling like she's not had much attention.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii no tree fu tom sounds like a good one. She's obsessed with that! I'm going to start the sticker chart at the weekend.

DamsonJam I am so glad so many people keep saying it will pass. My friend said her daughter was worst at nearly 3 to 3.5 than she was during the supposed "terrible twos". My DD has only just really started all this in the last month or so, I thought I had escaped it!

What's the problem with letting her clean her own teeth? You can watch and tell her if she's doing it right, she'll learn better that way, and you won't be fighting! Have her do it when you do yours, and she can use her awesome copying skills to mimic.

Otherwise I agree that she's just pushing because she can, and she'll get over it, so will you!

I let my 3yo do her teeth first, but then I have to do them again, because she can't do them properly yet (doesn't reach back teeth etc)

Another thing was that I flicked through "how to talk so kids will listen..." a while ago and there is a little section on echoing your DC (eactive listening) so when they whine about wanting something they can't have, they're more likely to stop whining if instead of just saying no, you acknowledge that they want/have asked for X thing, and then say they can't have it (and why).

It's weird, but it does usually work.

monsterchild because she's too little to clean them properly and I would rather she has good dental hygiene than not. I clean them first and then we clean them together afterwards where she watches me and copys what I do. If I left her to it she'd just suck the toothbrush and tirn the tap on and off :)

*turn. This has never been a problem until recently when she's started fighting against it. The reason I do it first is that she would have a major tantrum if I tried to get the toothbrush off her after she started.

One thing I read somewhere which has really helped me is imagining I'm being filmed. I then put on my "world's best parent" hat and react calmly etc (even though inside I'm going mad with frustration) rather than how I would naturally react. Works for me anyway! You sound like you're doing well though :) Good luck. And to reiterate, it is just a phase thank god

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii where is that? On MN or is it a book?

It's a brilliant book. Heartily recommend it.

Kelly as everyone else as said...

Sticker chart

Pick your battles

Let her feel like she is getting some 'wins' even though she isn't

Active listening

Staying positive and cheerful and praising the good/ignoring the bad can work

My DD was a 'spirited' pre-schooler. Her version of copying speech was to hide things. She hid my purse (out of my bag!), the remote control, the keys, DS's book...

What worked was 'finding out' that it was actually her imaginary friend that was hiding the stuff so she got to be the 'big girl' who helped find it, and when we caught her with something she planned to hide saying "Oh you've found my X! What a clever girl, I've been looking for that!" rather than "Don't you dare hide that!" or whatever.

We indulged her naughty imaginary friend from about 2 - 4. She made an appearance about 6 months ago in a much better behaved capacity "she has grown up now" but we've not seen her since!

Let her brush her teeth and then say "Oh my goodness! Those look like such sparkly teeth! Can I see them?" Then 'check' them with the toothbrush and rebrush, all the time telling her what a fantastic job she has done.

We do races to get dressed and "Ooh do you think you could... oh no, I don't think you'll be able to do that. You're still a little girl.." Cue lots of "I can do it, I'm a big girl!" bingo!

Don't want to make it sound easy, but there are things you can do to make it easier!

I guess it depends how 'verbal' your DD is, but I find asking my 3yo DD leading questions to get her to try and get her to figure out what to do helps - so e.g. if the repeating thing is getting on your nerves, something like "DD, please stop repeating what I am saying, it makes me cross. Why do you think it makes me cross?" DD response, along lines of "cos you don't like me doing it", "Yes, so can you stop it please. I was telling you not to do X. Why do you think it's important not to do X?" DD responds, either confirm what she says or add to it. If they say "I don't know", then you can explain. We're quite into explaining in our house though, some people aren't.