to be fed up?

[appleate]

I have posted on here before about this and took advice that was given. I'm struggling though.
Basically my dh works a lot of hours through choice. His main job is six nights a week, 5pm till 11.30pmish. He leaves the house at 10am on the days he works to earn a little extra money (and it is little).
He was off today and spent most of the day in bed, woke up to drop kids and I off at the swimming pool and then picked us up. He did help put the kids to bed and then went to bed himself.
He choses to work the hours he does as he works equally for himself and my dad.
I'm just fed up that he doesn't think working 80+ hours a week is a problem. I'm fed up he hardly sees the kids and never does anything with them. I'm fed up we haven't been out together in 3 years and I'm fed up he treats this house like a hotel. AIBU?

Well... Have you actually spoke to him?

I wouldn't be in a relationship like that. My dad had a business and went from my dad who took me on bike rides to dad who I never saw.

It was really shit for a long time tbh, a plus was that me and mum are best friends now lol

Self employed? Maybe he's just trying to keep the business afloat. Don't you realise that?

Agree with lisaro here.

He washes buses, very weather dependant but will leave early every day. I do understand he'll be enjoying time to be himself, talking to others etc. For many years he was almost uncomfortable leaving the house but it's gone from one extreme to another.
I have tried talking to him, it didn't end well. He gets very defensive easily.

Op not long ago I saw a woman on the relationships board whose husband chose to work stupidly long hours, she felt neglected, did all the work and things with the kids while her husband worked all the hours for very little in his business

When she tried to talk about it or suggest ideas he screamed at her for being unsupportive etc

It sounded truly awful.

What does he do
When you broach the subject?

I did say I had posted before

oh no I am really sorry op
if he works equally for your dad you said could you have a word with him maybe to
See if it was actually required?

I'm no good at this sorry op xx (())

First of all you need to find out if this is financially necessitated.

If it isn't, try rephrasing how you say you want him to spend more time with you. Do it in the tone of "I miss you and I want us to spend more time together. You work so hard, and I think it's really important that you get to have some time off and chill out and have some fun with us as a family" rather than "I'm doing everything here myself and you're neglecting us" IYSWIM.

oh of course you are fed up. unsurprising that really. not sure what to suggest though given that he apparently screams at you. can you get a berak from it all at your parents for a week or two. you sounnd like you need a rest otherwise you risk your health. it might focus your dad's mind a bit as well.

Jusr being able to get this out is helping. I don't get on with my dad, haven't seen him since Christmas. I view him more as dhs friend/boss than as my dad so am not really in a position to ask for help there.
Dh genuinely doesn't see a problem and he's not doing it for money, we have enough coming in for the basics but certainly no luxuries.
I am going to have to try again and talk to him aren't I?

Might a letter work better? It could allow you to think carefully about what you're saying and how you say it. It depends on whether he's the sort who would feel that a letter is somehow more dismissive of him than a face-to-face discussion (though if he's screaming at you then he's lost the right to feel that way).

I did try to write a letter but wasn't sure how he'd take it. I think I'll try it though as I know how the talking would end up

Op is he driving buses too?

I only ask because that much extra work would put him over his driving hours, maybe you could try that as another reason for him to cut down - he could lose his licence, employer could be fined or lose operating licence.

No he doesn't drive them, just washes them for the drivers when they park up.

So what hours does he actually work? 5.30 - 11.30 pm isn't really a full time job, is it?

If he goes out in the morning, what hours does he work and what difference does that money make to your lives?

Does he ever take the kids off your hands for a couple of hours or spend any time alone with you?

Yes his official hours are 5pm-11.30pm. He leaves at 10am six days a week. Both 'jobs' are at the same place. On a good day he can earn up to £100 but these are rare. It's normally between £40-£60. A fair bit of that is spent on diesel though.
Absolutely never takes the kids out alone. In fact he took ds2(18mths) with him to pick up ds1 and dd up from school last month and it was the first time I'd had time alone in the house since ds2 arrived.
The last time we went out alone together was when I was pregnant with ds2.
He has no interest in going out with us at all.