to be alarmed to say the least..

[PollyGoHome]

I met a woman through my sons nursery, our DS's are the same age and get on well so lots of lunches, teas, playdates etc.

She is a SAHM, one DS(4) and one DD who is 14 with severe special needs. I don't see her husband very much and when I do he's seemed quite shy.

She's always extremely polite, quiet, and just 'nice'.

When playdates started I assumed she couldn't drive as she'd get the bus to us, so I offered a lot of lifts and she very gratefully accepted.

Today I dropped her and DS home, and there was a car in the driveway. I said 'ooh your DH must be home' she said no, his car was just there. I asked had she ever thought about learning? She said 'oh I can drive, he just doesn't let me. I wish he'd fucking die.' Then thanked us for a lovely day and went inside.

I'm bemused, but also very worried about this sweet woman. I really don't know her as a friend as such, just her DS's mum. Do I approach her about this? Offer support? Wait for her to approach me?

keep a safe distance.
she's abused - but you can't help her to understand that, she has to see it for herself.

I think I would have to try and speak to her. Maybe with no dc around.

I don't really see it's worth pursuing.

I think the only thing that you can do, if you want to, is build a friendship and just see how things go for her.

Ooooo :o

sorry that wasn't supposed to be a grin :(

I think you could say something along the lines of "you know I'm always here to listen if you need someone" and leave the ball in her court. It could be she has other people to offload to; it could be that you're the first person to offer to listen. Make it clear somehow that you're concerned and are there for her, but in a non-pressuring sort of way.

I am a foot in mouth type but I would want to follow this up. She's put it out there and I would assume that's because she wants you to act. I'm happy to be corrected if this is not the right way to approach potentially abused women but could you find a quiet moment and say "About what you said, when we were talking about driving...."

She can always back away but you could offer her a lifeline

Just be there. Don't run away, just try to continue your friendship in the way it was headed and, if need be, let her know you are there to talk if she needs it.

So why 2 cars if he doesn't allow her to drive?

@Katherine I'm pretty sure it's just one car, she's mentioned him commuting to work before

What kinky said.

Yes, be there for her. Continue as you were, after all, you like her. Maybe she'll wind up trusting you enough to tell you more, or even ask for advice or help (and then give her the number for Women's Aid).

I would have to say something to her but only when the children weren't there. Could you ask her whether she wants to come for coffee one morning when your children are in nursery and just ask her if everything's okay?

:( That is so sad, Just be there or her when you can.

Just saying but... there a couple of possibilities that I see

a) just putting this out there, but what's the ethnicity, here? It's fairly common practice in some cultures for the man to be the person in charge of the expensive machine. My maw n paw lived next door to a couple where the wife wasn't allowed to drive because that was the mans job

b) maybe she's crashed a few motors, and he's not wanting her to crash another.

It's difficult to get exactly how much venom was in the "I wish he'd fucking die". Although it's not the nicest thing to say about a LTLP

oh, and c) he's a complete arsehole who does control as many aspects of her life as he can.

That's another possibility

Don't back away - lots of people do if they suspect family violence as it's not a comfortable subject. I would keep seeing her as usual and try at some point to drop in "I'm here if you ever need/want to talk" as suggested above when you can. It's very common for abusive people to try and isolate their partners socially so your friendship could be more important to her than you think.

Although its quite a thing to say I don't think you should jump to conclusions.

My parents have 2 cars, my dad won't let my mum drive his, I can imagine her saying something like "He won't let me drive, the fucking twat" it may be that she has had crashes or is a terrible driver/speeding points

He could be abusive but I think without more experience of them you shouldn't dive in.

I think you should develop a friendship with her or next time you see her bring it up in a casual way. Just ask if she ever gets to drive or does she genuinely never use the car, doesn't she mind, that sort of thing.

I agree with those who have said be there for her and offer to listen if she wants to talk.

I don't think it's ever ok for one partner not to allow the other to drive. It doesn't matter if culturally women shouldn't 'be in charge of machines' or if she has crashed before, she is an adult and presumably has a valid driving li
cense. If he doesn't allow her to drive, he is a controlling twat.

TheVermiciousKnid - dunno about "doesn't matter if she's crashed before". I had a girlfriend who was an absolute menace behind the wheel, and I'm not talking about doing mad stuff like running red lights, or being a girl racer.

I'm talking about doing 25mph on busy motorways because it was raining, and she was scared that she might spin off. I'm talking about stacking her own car into a crash barrier because it was a bit too sunny one day. Using all four lanes on a jam-packed city roundabout at rush hour, cursing the bus drivers who were honking at her and claiming "Well, why can't they just anticipate that I might swerve around the lanes? It's not my fault!!".

Yes, she had a license.

There is no way in hell that I'd have let her drive my car without me in it.