to make her do it?

[MamaCross]

(Not a newbie, recent namechanger)

DD(nearly 14) came home from after school activity with splotches of white paint on her school uniform jumper, black jeans (new) and school shoes.

This isn't the first time so I'm really pissed off! It doesn't come out in the washing machine, it comes out with a good lot of hard scrubbing but it leaves faded patches behind on her jumper and jeans. She knows this, we've been here before - several times!

She's got a right strop on, arguing back to everything I say, constantly interrupting me. She thinks it doesn't really matter because I'LL be able to get it out, and there's only a week and a half left of school term so what's the big deal?! This is uniform that will still fit her in September and was like new this morning.

AIBU to have got mightily annoyed and made her do the scrubbing? She thinks this is highly unfair and couldn't be bothered to try doing it properly so has given up and just left it scrunched up on the worktop. I'm not doing it for her.

She thinks it even more unfair that I said if she comes home covered in paint again and anything needs replacing, it'll come out of her pocket money, whether it was her fault or not (of course she thinks it wasn't her fault, whereas I think she should have been more careful)

MN Jury, what say you?

I'm with you, and I would also make her wear those exact clothes tomorrow too, so if she leaves them screwed up on the side, she is going to look a right state when she has to put them on in the morning.

I like your style Pom

What Pom says.

I think you should go back to her and apologise - for treating her like such a baby. Explain that you've thought about it, and as she is 14 there is no reason why she shouldn't be doing all her own washing, and you are sure she will do a good job. You will leave the washing machine free for her on (one weekday and one weekend day) and she can ask for any advice when necessary. then walk away and DO NOT DO HER WASHING FOR HER.

Honestly, this works. DD has been doing her own washing for years.

YANBU

I was doing my own washing at that age too.

YANBU, but she is 14, she will never agree with you!!

Good luck!

Pom has got this so right. Maybe she will appreciate what you do for her when you stop doing it.

I would also definitely follow through on the pocket money threat.

Fliss - thanking you!

Balia - I just got an odd look because she happened to look up and saw me trying not to laugh. You are right of course. I don't know if I dare though, she makes me all shouty while telling me in a deadly calm voice to "calm down" because I'm making myself look deranged....

I'm a wimp I admit it.

OK. You know what? I might don my flack jacket and give it a go... later

Thank you everyone for confirming I'm NBU!

Vixxen I definitely will be docking her pocket money if she comes home in that state again, she has no idea how much things cost.

Sometimes the paint they use in school comes out without leaving a mark if you soak them in cold water overnight rather than scrubbing. I'd give that a go first before putting in the machine as the warm water will fix the paint.

MamaCross, I would be docking her pocket money THIS TIME - because you say " we've been here before - several times!". Start as you mean to go on.

And send her to her room (without phone etc) next time she does the 'calm down' thing - guaranteed to send anyone deranged!

Hit her where it hurts..... Pocket money/phone credit

I gosh, I make my 9 year old do things like this.

he does not like it, but that is exactly the point.

How else will they learn?

I say stuff like this to my 3 year old when she wipes her pasta sauce covered hands on her top, 5 minutes after I've changed her top because she wiped paint on it.
God help her when she's 14

make her do it. and if it doesn't come clean, make her wear it.

My 7 year old got paint and dinner on her school dress and I made her fill a sink with cold water and put the dress in.

YANBU and would deal with this pom and Balia style

I'm not sure if you were being tongue in cheek but definatly would be working on being calmer - as soon as your child can do the deadpan 'calm down' to you your in trouble!

My DS (7) came home covered in glue today as apparently there weren't enough aprons in school He has put his clothes in the laundry basket but I get the feeling he'll be sorting it himself from now on.

Thanks everyone.
Been here for years, rarely post and this was my first AIBU.
I'm taking all your advice on board and am going to stop letting her treat me like a doormat and try not to get shouty.

FWIW I did try the "seeing as your nearly 14 it's about time you were doing your own washing, I'm sure you'll do a great job" and she just walked out of the room saying "I'm ignoring you"

You should have said, "Everyone will be ignoring YOU when your clothes smell!"

Excellent. She can ignore your words and then she has a choice. She can wear stinking, crumples, stained clothes, or she can do her washing. You don't need to get shouty, in fact you don't need to say anything else. Just ignore her dirty clothes. And if she starts screaming about how she doesn't have any clean clothes, you are the worst mother ever, you have ruined her life...

You can say 'Calm down'.

Seriously though, this isn't acceptable behaviour. Is she like this at school or does she save it all for you?

Imperial

Balia you have clearly been doing this for a while, while I have been here donkeys years and clearly haven't been paying attention to the right threads! Her teachers all think the sun shines out of her bum, so I think she saves it all for me... she does do very well at school, but I think she's probably finding the whole teenage/hormones thing a bit difficult.

I know it's not acceptable, we clash terribly but at other times we can be really close and have fun together. I'd really like her to respect me more and not be so back-chatty.

I certainly had to do my own washing at that age and was glad to so mum didn't see some of the stains

Let her go out tomorrow with the same dirty clothes.

Right on, balia. I've been doing my own washing since I started secondary school. It annoyed me to bits, but I still had to do it. And so I did. And I'm now glad my mother made me do stuff like that.

she just walked out of the room saying "I'm ignoring you"

How rude. That deserves a punishment in its own right, IMO.

You are right, MamaCross - DD is nearly 18. Let me reassure you that it gets easier!

I also got so sick of the rows about uniform - eg what I was willing to spend on it vs the 'fashion' variety she wanted - that I handed financial control to her. She got £10 a week, but had to buy all her own clothes. It was amazing! The very next time we went out for uniform she had gone on the net, researched the 'look' she wanted, found cheaper alternatives for it all...we were in and out in an hour. And she was happy. Buying uniform. Which she then wore, rather than sticking it in the wardrobe and continuing to wear the old, too tight knackered stuff.

I also found this very helpful.