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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have no care for surnames

28 replies

whoisthefatherthen · 10/07/2012 15:42

Probably a weird way of putting it but to not give a hoot about surnames, my maiden name comes from my father's father who divorced my grandmother in the 60s (causing her much shame for many years) so not to hot on inheriting anything from him, ExH's surname comes from his father who was an alcoholic he hadn't seen since ExH was 6, even DPs surname comes from his mum as he didn't know his father til his mum passed away when he was in his teens.
I wouldn't want a name from any of these people, I envy people who have pride and heritage behind the name they must call themselves each and everyday, the name that represents and defines them!
AIBU to feel nothing for my name?

OP posts:

nickelbarapasaurus · 10/07/2012 15:45

so change it to something else.

you don't have to like your own name.

in fact, it sounds like you and your DP might find it a good idea both to change your name to something new. :)

scuzy · 10/07/2012 15:45

you need a hobby! meant in the nicest way possible

Original poster

whoisthefatherthen · 10/07/2012 15:46

I do, don't I? It was just bothering me, I'm bloody fed up and I wondered if anyone else felt as blah as me

OP posts:

Original poster

whoisthefatherthen · 10/07/2012 15:47

What shall I change it to? Hmmm...

OP posts:

MsOliveOyl · 10/07/2012 15:48

Do it! Change both your names! DH and I are planning to do this and it feels strangely exciting and refreshing. We just need to settle on the name :)

PermanentlyDieting · 10/07/2012 15:48

Your new hobby could be researching your family tree. Then pick a surname of a relative you are proud of ? :)

GateGipsy · 10/07/2012 15:48

no not at all. I've a friend who felt that way and for much the same reasons, and when they got married they opted for his mother's maternal grandfather's surname (he had bought up his mother and her siblings as a 'single grandad' and by all accounts been a truely lovely stand up guy). Sounds convoluted but they decided to go with a surname that was associated with something they all respected.

Why don't you both look for someone in the family that you do truly respect and use their surname?

GrahamTribe · 10/07/2012 15:49

Not in the least. We (DC and I) are changing ours for similar reasons. I don't like my father although I have his surname, my DH's surname isn't mine and besides is connected with his mother and his ex wife and not me and so me and my DC are taking my mother's maiden name. We have strong ties to the people who have/had that name and we like it very much too. YANBU. :)

MsOliveOyl · 10/07/2012 15:50

We are probably going to go for the name of the street where we first lived together, because it's a nice name and it means something to both of us. Does that give you any inspiration?

Original poster

whoisthefatherthen · 10/07/2012 15:57

Oh no couldn't do the street, sounds too much like my current name - think the Buckets of Buckingham - we've iften joked about in the past, would've been v.sweet otherwise
Thanks for all the support, I think my non biological granddad's name would be very appropriate, I went through a phase as an attentionseeking teenager of calling myself it, probably why I didn't think of it now.

OP posts:

Dprince · 10/07/2012 16:11

No you don't. But I have had several surnames. Mum has been divorced twice. I had my dads name, they divorced, she change it to her maiden name (I don't like her family lots of alcohol issues) then she remarried and I and his name (really didn't like him as he was abusive) then mum divorced him and gave me her mums maiden name. Then she married dad again (still together) and i went back to my first name.
I have been married over 10 years and this is the longest i have had 1 surname (dhs).
I don't really hold stock in dhs family heritage, but its a 'nice' surname. I think i probably don't care as i never got attached to a name when younger. At the time though it was crap.

amicissimma · 10/07/2012 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dprince · 10/07/2012 16:13

I meant no your not (as in not bu)

CosmicCloud · 10/07/2012 23:27

YANBU to feel nothing for your name but YABU to think it defines a person. At the end of the day it's just a name and a person is much more than that. I must admit I'm a bit about people changing surnames because they don't like the one they have.

I understand about not liking the link to your paternal grandfather, but there were many generations before him that also passed on your name and they may have been wonderful people. Also, despite the fact that you may not like the idea of inheriting anything from your grandfather, the fact is a quarter of your genes come from him. What I'm trying to say is that while it was his name it's also just as much yours, so why not make it your own by doing a bit of family history research looking into who else on your paternal side had this name, rather than associating it with this one single negative family figure.

It's also worth bearing in mind that changing your name could make it difficult for your descendants who may wish to research their family history in generations to come.

Krumbum · 11/07/2012 00:19

Think of your name as your name. Not its history. Just that the word is your name and part of what who you are and what your known as. Neither of my parents have the same last name as me anymore since my mum married and changed her name but that's irrelevant, it's MY name.

nickelbarapasaurus · 11/07/2012 11:16

Krum - exactly!
that's exactly the point.

nickelbarapasaurus · 11/07/2012 11:18

(and if you don't like the name that's your name, you can change it - like you can dye your hair or have a tattoo or plastic surgery.)

ratspeaker · 11/07/2012 12:57

I have 2 relatives who chose to use another surname, not through marriage.

I rather like the Icelandic naming where the surname is actually a description of who's son or daughter you are, everybody is usually known by their first name

fedupofnamechanging · 11/07/2012 13:24

I am all in favour of changing your name to one you actually want to have. I have a friend who chose a completely random new surname, because he didn't like his original one.

And anyway, how many of us are using names which are actually 'ours' in a 'can be traced through the generations' way? My name is dh's name and he only has that name because his dad was adopted by his step dad. If that hadn't happened dh's last name (and mine and the dc) would be something completely different.

I'd like to change mine to something I like more, but dh is opposed to changing and I can't force him and i would like us all to have the same name.

MsOliveOyl · 11/07/2012 13:30

DH and I are changing names so that we have the same one! I didn't take his when we got married because it doesn't go with my first name (sounds awful) and he didn't take mine because it doesn't go with his first name (sounds even worse). So we are choosing a new one that means something to us both, and so that if we have DCs we all have the same name.

But I am also not opposed to just changing your name to something you prefer because you fancy it. I can't think of any valid reason not to do this.

nickelbarapasaurus · 11/07/2012 13:40

that's true- it's hard to trace a maternal line because all the names changed on marriage. Why is it fair that the paternal line is so easy to trace?

these days all that doesn't matter because there's the internet.
so any change of name can easily be traced to what you were before, and it doesn't matter if the child has a different name, either.

SoleSource · 11/07/2012 13:49

My surname is rare and I HAVE ALWAYS HATED THAT FACT even though it has a good reputation in Stratford-Upon-Avon. I want to change it to Smith.

YANBU

Krumbum · 11/07/2012 13:52

Is your last name really Shakespeare? That's amazing! I would love that! You gots to pass that on to your kids.

MsOliveOyl · 11/07/2012 13:54

Noooo Shakespeare is an amazing name! Are you related? Are you any good at writing plays??

SoleSource · 11/07/2012 13:56

No not Shakespeare! There is something open to the public there with my surname. Not saying anymore. I hope it doesn't beome really popular. :(

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