To think my grandmother is being a cow. (long)

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

I do love my grandma but she can be a complete nightmare. I am mainly angry about the way she treats my mum and my aunt.

Basically my gran looks after my grandad, he has had a stroke and needs someone with him almost all the time. She does cope well with him but has a huge reliance upon my mum and aunt.

Of course she needs help and support and we (I help a little) are happy to help out but she takes the piss and will only accept demand help from family.

For example the cleaning has to be done by my mum as a cleaner wouldn't do as good a job. The same goes for the gardener but my aunt does it.

She is gradually cooking less and less for herself & grandad. When she was ill we (me, mum and aunt) plated up a load of meals for her and kept them in her freezer ready to heat up when needed.
She is now better but still wants meals cooking for her. No the delivered meals aren't good enough.

Any job around the house has to be done by family she won't use outside help for anything (she can afford it).

To top it all off if people don't look after her in exactly the way she wants she threatens to change her will and disinherit people. Sometimes she can be really sweet but as she gets more and more demanding I am finding it harder to like her. Do I need to try and be more understanding?

I understand how frustrating this must be, but I think often older people get very lonely, and by insisting on having family doing things for her, she at least ensures that she gets to see you all.

She probably worries that if she pays for people to do these things, that you won't come round at all or as much. Also the fact that you do them, reminds her that you love her.

Perhaps you could position it that the cleaner is coming to help your mother clean - and get the cleaner to do most of the cleaning whilst your mum has a cup of tea with your Gran. If this happens regularly she may relax and realise she gets more of your mum's time by having a cleaner, not less. Same goes for the gardener etc..

Your mum and aunt are allowing themselves to be manipulated. Of course your gran doesnt want a stranger doing the cleaning, she is getting older and probably feels a bit more vunerable.

Maybe your mum and aunt could just bite the bullet, hire some outside help and be there for the first few sessions until your gran feels more comfortable around them. They need to tell her no rather than them letting her tell them what to do.

When my MIL had beginnings of dementia she didnt want a carer but you know what....tough, she got one....and after a while she was ab fine with it.

Yes be more understanding, she has a lot on her plate - its probably hard for her caring for your grandad regardless of what help she has from your mum and aunt...and old people do tend to get more cantankerous as they get older

.....and YABU just for calling her a cow!

I see your point Blue but I don't think she is doing it for attention. My mum and aunt love gran, since as long as I can remember they have between them seen her on average 3 to 4 times a week.

Since she has found all these jobs for them she sees less of them, because she is elsewhere in the house while they are working. Before the jobs they would just have lunch together or a cup of tea.

Fair enough Betty should not be calling her a cow. She is however One of the least vulnerable people I have ever met. The receptionists at her GPs are terrified of her.

Not sure why one was written One (she isn't the queen ).

BlueString has a good point re keeping touch with the family.

My aunt & uncle are in the bizarre situation of having a cleaner and gardener at their own house, while doing the cleaning and gardening for my great aunt (aunt's mother). This is mainly because great aunt is of a generation (and class!) where having "help" is inconceivable.

I think the difference here is that the demands on my aunt & uncle are managable - they are both retired and as they only have to take care of one house, they can do it while doing social visits.
Your aunt and mother need to be firm about this - the suggestion of a cleaner "helping" your mum is a good one. Also a gardener to "help" your aunt - maybe there is something that is a big job, or your aunt has holiday planned so needs to get someone else trained ready for that...
As for the food - drop your standards! If she wants you to provide it, provide ready meals!

I don't think YABU in calling her a cow. Sure, she does sound rather demanding but she's got a lot to cope with. Some elderly people are very reluctant to employ outside help and often this is a question of pride. They don't want anyone, other than family, to know that they can't manage their own house and garden as they could when younger. It's not easy to get over this but as Betty suggests, your mother and aunt could hire someone reliable and be at the house for the first few sessions.

DP's mother (admittedly one of the least demanding women I've ever known) was adamant that she didn't need a cleaner but once DP and his brother had quietly put arrangements in place, DP's mother admitted that the help was invaluable and a worry now lifted from her mind.

Sorry, that should read YABU for calling her a cow!

Thanks WimbleHorse. Any suggestion of help is met with screaming and "fine I will manage on my own you clearly don't care about us. She them threatens to call the solicitor to change her will"

By the way our response to the will issue is to tell her she can leave her money to who she wants (while reassuring her we do care).

I would like to point out I have never called her a cow, just thought it.

OK, this is important, unless she is a multi-millionaire, you should all assume there will be no inheritance. My Grandmother pulled this trick for years, cutting people out, changing percentages etc, she played my mum and aunt off against each other. She then developed dementia. Her house was sold, she lived with my mum for a few hellish years and is now in a home. 2 months ago the combined total of her rather substantial savings and proceeds of the sale of her house ran out. Every last penny has been spent on her care. All those years of bitterness about the will and it doesn't matter one bit how the final cards have fallen, 70% or 30% or 5% of nothing is still nothing.

So next, get your mum to give up this power she allows her mother to have over her. If your Grandmother says "I'm calling the solicitor and changing my will" get your mum to say "ok." See what happens next. If your mum and Aunt can't/don't want to run round after your Grandmother and the money is there to pay for a cleaner/gardener/delivered meals, then get them to do it. It doesn't help having everyone resent time spent running round after her.

Thanks don't mind. We are doing our best to treat the money as a none issue (it isn't masses of cash or anything). My mum and aunt (bless their selfless souls) do what they do out of love. They get really offended by the idea that she thinks she can buy them.

It is nice to hear that someone understands that looking after older people can be hard work and admit that yes sometimes they can be manipulative.

Oh, some people are horrible and right cows, just because you've got old doesn't mean you stop being a right cow - it means other people make your family feel bad about thinking you're a right cow because you are old. I bet your Gran has always been manipulative, she's just got better at it with time.

If your gran thinks she's fine without help, then she doesn't need your mum and Aunt cooking, cleaning and gardening for her, so they should stop. If she does conceed she needs help then she should be prepared to allow other people in to do it.

Yep your right she has always manipulated people and been incredibly selfish in her younger years. Personality doesn't change just because you have started picking up your pension.

You are looking out for your mum and that makes you a good person. YANBU. She sounds like hard work.

my dad, 80, won't spend even penny on care for my wheelchair-using mum, even though he has money in the bank and is now very ill. what he will do, though, is have my brother or me stay over so mother can wake us every hour instead of waking him. to pay for that would cost him £140+ a night. when i suggested he pay for some care, he came at me to hit me - he must have seen the look in my eye and thought better of it. he said he'd rather kill her and himself than spend a single penny on care. i looked at him and thought - you'd be looking for someone to miss you. so i don't go any more.

but i think its something that happens to the mind as people get older. their money matters more to them than the people around them.

Could you get advice and support from one of the charities Such as

www.ageuk.org.uk/

They will sadly have seen it all before :(

You are right to be worried about your Mum doing far too much and your Grandmother expecting it. I thought the suggestion that a cleaner comes to clean and your Mum has a cup of tea or lunch with your grandmother was a really good one. Same with gardener. To begin with at least till she gets used to it. Really everybody including old people have to make compromises. They can't have everhting their own way all the time.

Lovebunny

My nan is difficult but your dad sounds vile, hope things are ok for your mum. Doesn't sound good though.

Thanks vivi and hope.

How old are your grandparents, please?

Sometimes it is about regaining control, wherever they can. As they get physicaly more reliant on others, they like to take advantage of 'he who pays the piper calls the tune'.

Many elderly people do only get worse as they get older and there is little reasoning with them.

You can requests assessments from SS and so can your Mum and Aunt, as carers.

I agree that it may come to having to write off any inheritance.

It sounds not too unusual. People can get more demanding and, well, money orientated as they get older.

Hi rule

They are 80.

It sounds to me like your gran is very uncomfortable with having strangers in the house - does that sound right? So instead of talking about it, she's discounted the idea out of hand and is trying to manipulate family into doing all the work regardless of their wishes.

My gran hated the idea of having carers in her home, but my mum was the only one able to help and couldn't do it all herself, so my gran eventually accepted the professional help and soon got used to it. She could also be very mean to my mum, I think partly because there was no one else she knew she could take her frustrations out on without repercussions.

How about: your mum and aunt make themselves unavailable, so the garden gets overgrown, the house gets dusty, and when they do go don't stay long enough to finish the job. Perhaps your aunt can then suggest someone come to mow "as I don't have time this week", likewise your mum can suggest a cleaner pop in to do the hoovering and mopping, as she only has time to dust.
Any good?