to not be jumping at the chance to do this.

[2kidsintow]

My friend and I have a very give-and-take relationship which usually works well for both of us.

She will have mine for the school run and after school for an hour if I am working overtime and can't get my childminder on the days I don't normally use her. (My girls and her girls are in the same classes as each other and are firm friends.) Usually just on the odd occasion, not a regular thing. E.g. 4 times this year.

I order stuff for her if she doesn't want it delivered to her home if it is a surprise for her partner or kids birthdays - and gone to depots etc to collect them even though I work days and she doesn't. I've helped her move home. I've given her lifts when her car was broken and my husband fixes everything that she brings round that is broken. We take each other's girls to parties if the other one can't make it. I'll pick all manner of stuff up for her from the shops on the way home from work.

You get the idea....and normally I really don't mind. But...

She's got a new job that involves antisocial hours. I babysat for her girls last Fri evening while waiting for her partner to come home from the social event he was late from even though he knew she had to work.

I've had a request to babysit again this Sat from 5pm til 1 in the morning. Eek. I don't do late nights even in my own home and won't be able to settle in someone elses house. Also, I haven't asked, but I think that her partner is out socialising again, not working, which makes a big difference in my opinion. He doesn't like her working evenings and is making it awkward for her. I don't like the idea of leaving my OH at home with my girls all evening for me to go and sit with someone else's girls instead of my own.

I'm getting worried that this is going to be a frequently asked question. And when I said I could help on this occasion, but was concerned it was a late night, she pretty much replied by text "well I'll NEED you to help more in future" as I think she and her partner are calling it a day and then she'll have no childcare as he will be moving down South if they split up, leaving her with an evening job and no formal childcare.

Arse. I'm usually happy to help out any of my friends. But am worried that this is going to become a pattern - and I'm rubbish at saying no. Especially as she knows I have no social life of my own most weekends

I think her comment 'well I'll NEED you to help more in the future' was really rude, even from a family member this would be rude, but a friend??

However, you clearly have a good relationship & it sounds like she will need your help if she's going to keep this job (could she get a job with more suitable hours?), how would you feel about having her DD's stay over at yours, it's often less hassle than babysitting at someone else's house.

She sounds very demanding 'I'll NEED you to help more in future'

x-posted with Natasha - great minds think alike!!

Agree with the kids staying at yours suggestions.

I've considered that, but we aren't a family that does sleepovers in any shape or form. I think I'll take mine with so they can play, then get my OH to come and pick mine up when it is bedtime.

It is the tone of the NEED that I have a problem with more than anything else. If it isn't a common request then I don't really mind, but she will have little chilcare help and 3 or 4 shifts to cover if she does split with her OH and I won't be prepared to do this even on a weekly basis as I don't think it is fair on my OH, my kids or my sleep!

Yanbu and she's pushing the limits.

too far, too far. you can't go there and sit in with her daughters, leaving yours at home.
if you are ok with them staying over, offer. but i'd be wary because as you say, you might be lumbered with a whole load of her childcare.
why not set limits? say a couple of times a week, in office hours? you are entitled to protect your time with your family.
you can't take on her childcare. don't do it.

Aaargh.....and another text today asking if I can cover her when she works a shift on Mon evening/night.

She starts work literally 30 mins after I get home and is asking me to sit for her girls til gone midnight on a school night. She can catch up with her sleep in the day as she works evenings, but I can't. And I can't take mine around to stay up late and play with hers as it is a school night. I feel crappy about saying no, but I think that this is much more of an ask than having mine for an hour before and after school!

If it is inconveniencing you too much, you need to say No. How many times have you looked after her children? Is it as many as she has had yours? I used to be part if a babysitting circle and we worked out points for hours with extra for fri and sats. I actually find it quite stressful having extra children first thing in the morning. Also i didn't mind babysitting if children were in bed, but sometimes I would be left with instructions to read stories, put kids to bed. I think you need to think about hoe much you may need to ask for help in the future.

You need to nip this in the bud now and say no.
Otherwise you're going to end up like her childminder, and you don't want or need that intrusion on your time.

It is not your responsibility to keep her in her job. She will need to look for something that is more compatible with her children.

It's really bizarre that's she's taken a job with such antisocial hours having only a casual arrangement with a mate for childcare. Could you tell her you'll do it for a few weeks more, after that she'll have to find an alternative?

I'd much rather do a sleepover at my own house.

She will never get registered childcare till midnight. So she is going to have to give up her job in the long run. You have to say no now otherwise you will set a precedent.

You really need to be honest with her that she is asking too much. She needs to sort this out with her partner - this is his responsibility. I assume that your partner had to look after your DCs whilst you look after hers?

My DH works very unsociable hours. I suck it up and don't go out all that much. I would ask a favour from a friend a couple of times a year not a couple of times a week.

If you counted up the number of times she's had mine in the past, it is definitely more than mine. But only an hour before and an hour after school on those times. I've had hers for her after school on the odd occasion and on a weekend day once or twice too. If we had a points system, then I'd definitely be owing her a few, but I think having hers for 7 hours at a time will even things up pretty quickly.

I'm going to go around and have a proper chat tomorrow after the kids finish school. I'm willing to help her out a couple of times in the hols when late nights etc don't really matter, and I do want to help out once or twice to even the score a little bit for how much we have helped each other out in the past. However, once the school hols are over and the kids and I are all back at school/work then I won't be able to help. Unfortunately, that is when she has told me she will START to really need my help so I will have to make that clear this week from the start.

I do think that she needs to change her job if in the long run she has no other childcare help - she only took the job on the basis that it was going to be 2 or 3 nights, but they are short of staff so are asking her to work more and more - and in this climate it is hard to say no. However, she loves what she does and it is very hard to find a job around here at the moment so I'm not sure how practical that is.

But she can't just take on a job on the assumption you'll mind the children! That's just ridiculous. Half an hour here and there is a completely different thing. I wouldn't leave my children to go and mind someone else's.

Not if her husband is out socialising and she's earning money, I meant to add.

"...she pretty much replied by text "well I'll NEED you to help more in future" as I think she and her partner are calling it a day and then she'll have no childcare as he will be moving down South if they split up, leaving her with an evening job and no formal childcare."

To me, it sounds as if she is desperately flailing around, trying to prepare for him leaving (building up some funds) whilst being in denial that this isn't sustainable in the long run.

"I'm going to go around and have a proper chat tomorrow after the kids finish school."
Excellent idea.

"we aren't a family that does sleepovers in any shape or form."
You dismiss this completely - any reason? I would have thought it a reasonable way to help her out.

As you know this needs to stop before it starts really - she has taken a job that she doesn't have childcare for and has turned her lack of planning into your problem. Unfortunately saying you won't be able to help on a regular basis might well spoil the friendship, but if she really can't see that she's being unreasonable maybe that's not such a bad thing.

We're not big on sleepovers here either tbh, but that seems to be viewed as a big strange. It really pisses me off when people try and force the issue, generally because they quite fancy not having to pay a sitter. In your case if you have her girls staying even once I reckon she will view that as the answer to all her problems and you will be stuck.

It's funny how some people do take the mickey though isn't it. One woman from school who had never had my child round rang me one night at quarter to ten and asked if my dd was free after school in two days time. So I said, yes why and she said could I have her dd round that evening as she had to take her son to a football match. She said she have my dd over to play during the holidays. Guess what? She never did and it's been over a year now! I have got a feeling that another mother is doing the same now. I have taken her dd out for day and had her round for tea. No return invite. And today her dd said to mine, my mum is going if your mum will collect me from something (not sure what!) I do think a bit of give and take is nice, rather than all one way!

Yes Sunny. We just aren't keen on sleepovers. The DDs are 12 and 8 and have been on about 3 sleepovers each in their lives as they seem to have friends with families that aren't too keen either. They ask occasionally, but it doesn't happen. Part of the issue is having other children in our home when we are in bed - it just doesn't seem right. A compromise may be offered in the hols of being allowed to camp in the garden!

We've had our chat and I've told her that I'll help on the ODD occasion if it is at the weekend and not too late. I've also been able to verify that OH is away working, not out on the lash. Also, she's been asking because her family are away on hols and they will be back to help out in a fortnight. Not too bad after all. I've turned down the awkward nights and offered on my terms to help on an evening that suits me as well as her.

'She will never get registered childcare till midnight. '

Actually, speaking as a CM, she can. I have done it a few times for my mindees. But anti social hours childcare costs. And she doesn't want to be out of pocket. Best you have a frank chat with her asap. Good luck!

Sorry, you have chatted already... good! :)

It's kind of you to help her out when she's so desperate. It's just for a couple of weekends right? Could you see past your no sleepover rule to help her out till he family are back?