Posted a few days ago about one aspect of this.
Dh was in therapy when met him, at 25 due to excessivly controlling DP's. I do mean " excessive", MIl must have some sort of ocd, micro manages you in house, I had a cup of tea once and un beknown to me a tiny drop of tea was making its way down cup, she shrieked " X get a cloth, her tea is going to warp MY floor..." so DH got a cloth ..." NOOO not THAT cloth!!!!", or " help yourself to the the caserole," so we start to follow orders ( she is german)" " actually NOOOOOO stop, you will drip on MY table cloth". She went mental if my Dh when living there when we first got together wouldnt iron his sheets, or a tiny tomotoe ketchup stain was found after we ate there when they werent there....you have to wash your hands in a particular sink, the second you finish eating you can feel tension until plates go in dishwasher. i tried to help clear up after meals but i got SICK OF IT - " urrrrr WE dont use that cloth to wipe those glasses....ooooohhh we dont tend to put that plate in the dishwasher....ooohhh we dont place knives that like....." i need a degree in it - i thought fuck it! its alll spoken about in a very very serious voice. All they said to Dh all the time was " Dh dont scratch floors - dont mark wall paper - dont slam your bedroom door you will crack wall, dont do this - dont do that..." she cried " i cant have anything nice because of DH,"
Anyway - DH therapist told them to back off and let him be, he will be who he will be. Did they listen> NO. They didnt change thier behaviour at all. They tell everyone - he has problems. Since Dh has been out of that house, that prison, he has not been depressed once. NOT ONCE. MIl doesnt credit me with this at all perhaps cant even see th change - that EVERYONE ELSE CAN.
Now years down the line its one horror after another, culminating with HUGE problems after first DD was born. MIL verablly attacked me for an hour - a week after birth AND burying my beloved brother. Since then I havant set foot in thier prison of a house...however...they have been invited over for various events and MIl has ignored me. FIL has made effort but the fact he doesnt like me or DH reeks from every pore. There was a funeral last year and because Dh said he didnt want to wear a suit MIL brought for him, MIL ignored him at the funeral!!! FIL also tried to force him to wear it! 33 years old married with child. constant calls - " when are coming over to pick up your suit," in a cold hard demanding voice. " I N.E.E.D "Y.O.U" TO COME AND GET THE SUIT YOUR MOTHER HAS BEEN WORKING ON".
Then an uncle said he was visiting from abroad, said a list of stuff to do on a round robin, including his DS to play with our DD. Fine! DH wrote back, said meet at our house on x day for lunch, play and maybe play park.
Uncle didnt reply. Instead on a FINAL PLANS round robin...put - "sunday - play PIL house, LUNCH PILS and play park near PILS. "
Dh responded and said - perhaps you didnt get my inital email but here it is again, play/lunch/playpark MY HOUSE.
Uncle wrote back...." i am sorry I have already comitted to your fathers arrangements for play and lunch at his house, we have been doing alot of miles and need to cut back."
Our house is 7 miles from PILs and uncle also would have passed our area on way to PILS for second part of his holiday!
DH responded....." there seems to be confusion, I have never agreed to play/lunch at my P's house, indeed I was never asked to go, if your not coming to me, there is other stuff to get on with. "
Uncle - " yes its too complicated for us to get to you, but you can always visit us."
DH didnt respond but on sat night at 9pm FIl was knocking on our door!!! we didnt answer as no point, a cold hard robotic business man who cares noting for u s- made it clear in past we are the family loosers as we are not in banking etc...gives more credit to SIL for doing triathlons than DH for raising a wonderful DD!!!!
we have great GM visit looming, i was going to let DD go to PILS for the whole day so GGm could see her and also lunch/dinner at ours on a four day stay, but now - I just feel Dh should tell them all to F off? ask Great Gm to get a taxi here...but dont want to upset her - just had pacemaker fitted...
I am SICK of it. I just dont get why someone would want to control a 33 year old man like FIL wants to with DH? FIl is then lost as to why DH has confidence problems and is on a long road to learn to assert himself which of course is all tied into him getting a better job, which is a BIG reason why FIL is so horrid to him, as he only values money.
Everthing about uncles corropondence has been so rude to DH, and to me, they all know I wont go to PILS house, havant for 4.5 years!
Isnt this maddness? If my DD marries has own family and suggests to my sister - come to ours - I wouldnt try to FORCE her with a background plan to come to my house? If she doesnt want to come I would ask why, and try to address it! I wouldnt go knocking on her door to hound her!Or force her to wear clothes of MY CHOOSING at 33!!!
In past when DH has stood up to them, they blame that on me, that he doesnt have his own thoughts, its all me. That if it wasnt for me - everything would be hunky dory but when i meet him, he was dead agaisnt having children- parents fuck you up - hated his parents and if anything in the ealry days I tried to help!I wish they would f off - but they will not let go.
I have tried to get him to directly corrospond with his family Du/da etc but they INISIST on going through parents- the only person I care about is his Great GM as she is old, recntly widowed...livivng abroad...but she insistis on going through parents.