AIBU in not understanding why my exdh is STILL an idiot towards me even now hes now remarried?

[watchoutforthatsnail]

We have been seperated for nearly 4 years, hes remarried, i dont understand the vitrol.

He ususally has Dd every other weekend. I went on holiday last week ,meaning i would have her two weekends in a row. i had pre warned him of this months in advance, we do swap and change weekends to fit in round his work ( armed forces) or important events like mothers days/ fathers day etc. He wasnt happy about this, got very cross, so much so i agreed to cut the holiday short, come back a day early so he could pick DD up, not ideal, but i did. The week before, i double checked the plan and he told me he was going away ( on honeymoon) and couildnt have DD and it was ' tough' Obviously i wasnt happy about this at all, but there was nothing i could do about it.

So, this weekend just gone its his first weekend with DD for 3 weeks. He started a new job on monday and told me he was unsure what time he would be coming to collect her, but would let me know. I said that was fine.
By lunchtime on friday i hadnt heard. By school pick up time i hadnt heard. I text, no reply, so took her to swimming lessons ( he ususally does when he has her) myself, and packed a bag for the weekend for her and took it along.
During swimming i called him several times, no answer, text, no answer.

DD ( who is 6) was getting upset as to where her daddy was, i told her not to worrry and we would get some petrol and then go home for dinner nad hopefully he would let me know soon.
I saw him on the way to the petrol station, called him, met him in car park, handed DD over. Did have a bit of a go at him, which has since seen me subjected to being called a ' cock' over the course of the weekend.

:(

Poor you.

Perhaps he was always a bit of an arse but you didn't notice because you loved him?

Was it you that decided it was over? For some people that can be hard to 'forgive' because they like to be the ones in control.

A good move might be to hand the responsibility of letting you know his arrangements back to him - so if you have agreed he'll have her on a given weekend don't feel obliged to send him multiple texts asking about arrangements. Just carry on with life as normal and wait for him to get in touch (this doesn't mean you have to sit around at home waiting for him to show up either).

oh, i know he is a lot of an arse.
and it was far worse before it was over, but for goodness sake, it was years ago, i cannot see the need to call me ' cock' several times, over the weekend.

It was in his hands, he was meant to be letting me know what time he was turning up. And he didnt. His response was ' well, i know where you live, id just turn up'
He doesnt understand why this isnt on... i had no idea if i was meant to give DD dinner, i had plans myself that i was about to cancel, and i can tell you that if i wasnt at hiome when he expected, or had started doing dinner and said he had to wait while DD eats it, then he would have been fuming and i would have been called far more than ' cock'

He does sound awful and at least someone else is having to put up with him now.

One thing though, I wouldn't have a row (no matter how much I wanted to) just as I was passing over my child to spend time with him. If he's angry it will affect his driving and it will also give her an unhappy start to her limited time with him.

Keep conversation to a minimal, if he does not keep to arrangements continue with your own, your well rid

I know i am, best thing i did.

So - bearing in mind i had no idea what time he was coming, would it have been out of order of me to have just carried on with my plans, and when he did eventually turn up, make him wait for DD, until we had finished whatever it was we were doing?

I know exactly what you mean. I don't have any advice just empathy as my ex still drains me emotionally on a regular basis. The worst thing is he is very narcassistic and believes I'm the problem if I dare to stand up to/disagree with him. It's an awful draining situation and has made me very wary of getting into another relationship. Have some and a from me xx

An idiot is an idiot. Regardless of who they are married to.

No, not at all. If he wants her there when he arrives then he needs to let you know what time and stick to it.

next time, tell him what time dd is available. ask him to text within x amount of time if this is not convenient. ask him to give you at least 24 hours notice of any change to arrangements ( allowing for work meetings etc) if he does not turn up at the specific time, text him that you have taken her swimming and he can pick up from there. if he does not turn up GO OUT. (even if it is eating a packed tea in the car somewhere scenic) let him wait around and try too find out where you are. you have given him fair warning. you have made her avilable for contact. you have been reasonable. he decides whether he chooses to take up that contact.

if he call you names have a stock statement.. "i am sorry you feel like that"