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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want an apology?

15 replies

mangomadness · 09/07/2012 05:55

All I want is an apology and an acknowledgment that what's been going on is wrong. I'm on my phone so can't write it out in full, but please see my other thread.
DH has not stood up to his family. I'm the most awful new mother in the world etc. I'm being guilt tripped every single day about the situation, when all I want to do is enjoy our new family. His family don't think there's anything wrong in how they've behaved and instead of telling them bluntly DH is tiptoeing around them as to not upset them. So I'm getting more upset as it's been made out that I'm in the wrong for the attempted snatching of ny baby, for the 6+ phonecalls a day when we've asked to be left alone in peace to try to adjust. For the phonecalls then demanding that they come and get our dog, another way of trying to get into our house. For telling people our highly personal business. Telling me that I'm trying too hard to be the 'perfect' mother. I'm not, it's all coming naturally.
There's more, it may not seem like much but I've been asking DH to man up and stand up to them since before she was born. It nay not seem like much but I've got a 6 week old baby that I want to enjoy. My first born. It's been ruined since she was 3 days old. It may seem trivial things but they're really upset me.

OP posts:

Nymia · 09/07/2012 06:13

YANBU to want an apology but you are highly unlikely to get it.

You're better off trying to divert your energies into blocking them out, and concentrating on yourself and your daughter. What they think or say or do is irrelevant now, so stick your fingers in your ears and go LALALALALALA if you have to, block them from facebook or pass the phone to your DH to deal with them. Don't take their calls, don't answer the door to them, and put yourself first. If they won't learn by listening to you, and DH won't say anything to them, then you have to remove yourself from the situation as best you can, even if it is only mentally in some situations. If even hearing about their latest demands sends your blood pressure skyrocketing, ask your DH not to talk to you about them.

It's an insane amount of pressure, and you're at risk of PND among other things if the stress of dealing with them is running you down.

Hope you're ok, hold your head high and just leave them get on with the petty stuff, without you.

Tee2072 · 09/07/2012 06:17

Stop giving them any power. Ignore them. Don't answer the door or the phone.

And tell your DH to do the same or to get out.

maddening · 09/07/2012 07:35

have you got a link to your other thread?

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 09/07/2012 07:40

pop over to legal. see if there is anything that can be done about them harassing you.

if you feel really distressed by it qwould a break at your mums do you any good? might focus h's mind a bit too.

MissPants · 09/07/2012 08:07

Is it the thread about the tonsillitis? I can't see anything on there about an attempted snatching? How utterly disgusting! Can you link to old thread OP, or elaborate a wee bit about whats gone on? FWIW without knowing the full story they sound horrific and your DH needs to be dealing with this rather than playing ostrich.

I agree with staying at your mums to escape for a few days, maybe then DH will realise how very much it is impacting on you!

redexpat · 09/07/2012 08:50

Tonsilitis thread

Paiviaso · 09/07/2012 09:15

It doesn't sound like you will get an apology out of them.

Your DH needs to have a strong word with them.

But if your DH is still cowering in their presence and not protecting his new family, then all you can do is not interact. Don't answer the phone if its them, don't respond to texts, don't answer the door.

Escaping to your mother's, as suggested above, sounds like a good idea if doable. Might take your stress down a bit.

lastnerve · 09/07/2012 09:33

What Tee2027 said

DublinMammy · 09/07/2012 10:53

I remember your other thread and what selfish idiots your ILs are/were. Of course YANBU by expecting an apology - but it sounds like you will not get one and so you are expending a huge amount MORE emotional energy on them. Fuck them. Really. They are so awful they don't deserve any more of your thoughts.

I know it's easier said than done but for your own sake you need to try to move past wanting an apology and instead ensure that you get the peace you deserve. Don't take their calls or answer the door and let your husband know you don't want to hear about them. Concentrate on your DC, yourself and your DH and leave them to their madness.

Original poster

mangomadness · 10/07/2012 22:54

Thank you all. A quick update:
Over the weekend I honestly felt that I wanted to leave DH, he made comments obviously influenced by his mother, and guilt trips. I was very close to leaving and telling him to fuck off back to his parents. The thing is, he's not being a bad father in terms of our daughter, but he is by not supporting me, if that makes any kind of sense.
My mother wanted to take me out for lunch as she knows how upset I've been. I got into her car and it all came out, how I'm blatantly far less important to him etc. We didn't have lunch out in the end, as I was too upset. So an afternoon of talking it over with my mum and grandmother, ranting, crying, lots of swearing got it out of my system and made me feel stronger.
I confronted DH about it AGAIN last night but didn't beat around the bush. Told him that I'd been considering leaving him etc. I didn't believe that when he talked to her he made the situation clear, as surely in a week you'd apologise?! He admitted that if he was looking in on the situation he'd be horrified at what's been going on.
So he agreed that we have to be a team, not hide things, and not allow ourselves to be manipulated. He was very upset as it became clear to him that his mother has been making him choose her over me! Before this I'd always choose him.
Icing on the cake was the phonecall from her at 11 last night, reinforced everything that I'd said! She wanted to come around today whilst he was at work. I wasn't privy to the actual conversation as he took it out of the room as he thought there'd been an emergency and couldn't hear over baby crying. He told her no and that calling at that time wasn't good with the baby. So he text her suggesting that whatever she wants to say to me she writes in a letter. I thanked him as I said that we should be together, and I should stop being targeted. Cue another guilt trippy call to him, I'm the evil dil etc.
Just extremely selfish and completely self absorbed. I suspect also lacking basic manners, courtesy, respect and thought!
So I will see what happens next. But I feel tonight that I've got my DH back.
My mother didn't quite say it but you could tell that she was thinking "leave the bastard"!

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 11/07/2012 10:48

Does your mother hire herself out by the hour buy any chance, i think theres money to be made from hiring in someone with a back bone to deal with crap IL 's and other such family fuck witters.

well done you

DublinMammy · 11/07/2012 12:06

Well done to you and hats off to your mum. Is your ML actually going to commit her crazy/ poisonous thoughts to paper??? You simply MUST let us know if she does (irretrievably nosy, sorry!). Hope things settle down a bit, so glad your DH has finally stood up to her and backed you up.

DrowninginDuplo · 11/07/2012 14:49

Well done you. You do need to get your mil to understand and apologize, she sounds like a right piece of work.

My (normally lovely) mil was particularly vile after ds1 was born, and I do understand why. We never pulled her up on it, I still seethe about it to this day. Every conversation with her is tinted by this, and it isn't really fair on her to be honest. She doesn't know why I'm already annoyed before she walks through the door. It would have been far better to sort it at the time.

SoleSource · 11/07/2012 14:54

I feel for you. Cut contact. If DH cannot do the same kick him out. Contact Women's Aid go see a very experienced therapist. Life is too short and although you seem strong this could trigger mental illness/anxiety. Look after you. YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT THEM DO NOT WASTE ANYMORE TIME. X

Original poster

mangomadness · 12/07/2012 16:26

Well, it's not worth the paper it's written on! She doesn't know what she's done but understands from dh that she's done something. Full of emotional guilt trips: 'one thing we have in common is our love of dh, I know you make him happy and hope that you continue to do so. I miss having you in my life' (paraphrased). What the fuck? I've never really been 'in' her life, seen her on average 10 times a year over the past 3! Just bullshit. Had to do my mental health thing with my hv yesterday and mentioned what's been going on, and if I could ignore it for the purposes of the questionnaire otherwise I'd be an emergency referral! She agreed, said that what mil's doing is out of order (I only said about tonsillitus and phonecalls), and I passed with flying colours. If she just left us alone it'd all be fine. As I'm so in love with my daughter, hv said we were a v good, settled, contented team, there's no problem apart from in-laws!

I told dh that it wasn't good enough, and that I hate emotional warfare. Basically I don't want her in my life. If she doesn't think that what she's done is wrong then she can do one. Also dh keeps falling for her guilt trips, I've had enough.

OP posts:

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