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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I fancy someone other than my husband

23 replies

Mollydoggerson · 08/07/2012 22:51

Ok blurt alert....

My husband is lovely, very kind, very popular, not macho but loyal, loving and a family man.He has an active social life, away from me. I'm deep, more difficult, but also have my charms. I tend to do better 1 on 1 and he tends to do better in groups. We are both great parents (i think).

I fancy somone, he actually looks like my husband, maybe a little hotter in his work photo. I think we have clicked a liitle on the phone, he is clever and pleasant and witty (over the phone). I thought there was an undertone of slight flirtation.

I'm being silly arn't I?

My husband is loyal , but would still go to the strip club and maybe put his mates before our family, whereas I would do mumsy, outdoorsly things all day/all month, but then my head is turned.

Tell me to cop the f^ck on.

OP posts:
Hassled · 08/07/2012 22:52

It's a crush. You won't rot in hell for it. Say and do nothing and it will pass.

Noqontrol · 08/07/2012 22:53

I think you need to be careful. There's obviously stuff in your relationship thats not good, otherwise you wouldn't be thinking in this way and posting this. Do you think its time to have a very honest chat with dh about hopes and expectations?

kotinka · 09/07/2012 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 09/07/2012 00:05

cop the fuck on

a little "what if" is one thing, giving yourself permission to ramp up the stakes (and then later say "it just happened") is utterly stupid

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 09/07/2012 00:09

And stop trying to make out it would be your husband's fault if you went and shagged another man. It wouldn't.

kotinka · 09/07/2012 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoleSource · 09/07/2012 00:13

I agree with AF.

crystaldash · 09/07/2012 00:18

I fancy someone else too. No harm just looking just be sure if you want to take it further

lovebunny · 09/07/2012 00:19

ignore it, it will go away.
don't feed it. don't talk on the phone, email, meet or any other rubbish.
this is your life. why spoil it?
if you don't like your husband, ditch him, but don't take up with someone else first. keep it simple, keep it clean.

kotinka · 09/07/2012 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucieMay · 09/07/2012 00:23

have you actually met this guy?

lovebunny · 09/07/2012 00:41

lovebunny is right.
ah, if only they would all say that!

BreconBeBuggered · 09/07/2012 00:42

A bit of fantasy is great, but leave it at that. You don't know this other man. I bet he picks his nose and farts in bed when he's not inside your head being all witty and pleasant.

Hopandaskip · 09/07/2012 03:23

When we were first married I had a crush on someone, it was not wanted and I would have rather it had just gone away, so I told DH. I said "I am so embarrassed, I feel like a 13 yr old." DH was lovely, laughed a little, told me it would go away and advised me to avoid him. It stopped being an issue shortly after I told DH. I have read marriage advice that says that sharing such things with your spouse help stop them becoming a problem.

sharklet · 09/07/2012 04:51

Long as you are just looking then no problem. Anything more is a bad bad move!

EdithWeston · 09/07/2012 05:41

Yes, you're being silly.

That photo could be really old, you know nothing about him and you're having a silly crush.

Say nothing to him that you would not say were you DH also in the room.

Put more energy into your marriage.

Dprince · 09/07/2012 07:12

I met the md of our company a few months ago. His picture on our intranet is pretty hot.
When I met him, it was clearly taken a good 20 years ago. Intact all our managers have their photos on the intranet. 2 of them I see everyday and didn't recognise their photos until I read the name underneath. One was a picture of this woman at 18, she is now 35 and I genuinely thought they had the photos mixed up. The other was a man who had done similar.
My point is, his photo has nothing to do with it.
You fancy a bloke you have spoke to over the phone. He could be a complete twat, its not hard to be nice and chatty for a tiny portion of the day.
Its a crush let it go. You are heading down a slippery slope. Catch yourself on and grow up. This man who you don't really know will not be perfect.

Dprince · 09/07/2012 07:14

ediths idea is very good. Say nothing to this man that you would not say if your dh was there. Imagine dh heard the conversation, how would he feel. How would you feel if your dh had the same conversation with another woman.

Original poster
Mollydoggerson · 09/07/2012 10:03

There has been no open flirtation or anything like that, just work related talk, but some of it detailed. As in, he seemed to be going into more detail than was necessary and it sort of led to chatting a little. He has also called me late in my working day which would be very late where he was at the time (close to midnight where he was). Again slightly unnecessary and verging on more casual, but no obvious flirtation.

At any rate, sorry you are all right, it is completely silly and I will just forget about it.

If conversations start straying into the casual with him again, I will just mention my husband or kids so he knows I am not available. Who knows he could even be married for all I know (but I doubt it).

Oh well, I'm married not blind and deaf! (lol)

OP posts:
katykuns · 09/07/2012 10:13

I was the same as hopandskip... had an overwhelming crush on another man, loved my DP... felt really stupid about it. Told my DP how silly it was but I was attracted to this guy, and it kinda fizzled away.

But yes, avoid contact at least.

Original poster
Mollydoggerson · 09/07/2012 10:22

If it doesn't go away in a month or two I might tell DH.

I am always banging on at him about honesty so I should behave honestly too.

It's weird isn't it, if I was to go out on a night out I would tell him all the gossip the next day, whereas if he goes out he hardly mentions anything. But if I am to be brutally honest I can never see him straying, I think I would be more prone to having my head turned.

I think women love to be admired/chased a little and the thrill is in the chase. I accept fully that the last sentence is a bit pathetic and egocentric, but I think it's a fact. Better off recognising these things than not.

OP posts:
badtasteflump · 09/07/2012 10:50

I wouldn't worry that your H doesn't have much to say after a night out - IME it's just a man thing. My DH is crap about gossip - honestly, it's my main gripe about him. If he ever hears gossip, no matter how juicy, he never remembers to tell me, despite knowing how much I love it Blush.

Re your crush, I would make sure I keep my distance from this man from now on, and make it clear to him that you are married (and happily so). But other than that try not to over-think it too much. You're allowed to fancy other people, it's natural. It's doing anything about it that oversteps the line.

BTW do you and your DH flirt with each other still? Am just thinking maybe you're missing that kind of attention - and if you are, try to get back in the habit of flirting with each other Smile

KellyElly · 09/07/2012 11:16

Nothing wrong with fancying someone else as long as you don't act on it or spend to much time obsessing over that person. Then it moves from a harmless little fantasy to something that could wreak your relationship.

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