Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

for feeling this is unfair?

21 replies

workdilemma · 08/07/2012 20:25

Background: Have been off work for four weeks due to depression and anxiety. Due to start back tomorrow on adapted hours (basically a couple of hours less than a full day to see how I do). Have full support of company director for this - she has been really understanding and has been brilliant throughout, and really supportive. My line manager is a different story.

There was a social with all in my department (about ten of us) this evening - I had been looking forward to it for a while. Nothing raucous, just a quiet dinner at a colleague's house as a kind of team bonding thing. I spoke to my line manager on Friday to tell her about the arrangements for this week as I'd sorted it with the director, and to make sure she was okay with it. Mentioned the team thing and she was really funny about it and said it would look really bad if I still went as I'd been signed off. She made me feel extremely uncomfortable and said I could come if I wanted but it was clear I wouldn't be welcome. She basically implied I was being unprofessional (she said more things too but I don't want to out myself).

My points for thinking she was BU are 1) I am back at work tomorrow anyway, 2) Staying in the house all the time makes me feel even more depressed and I'm supposed to be getting out when I can, 3) It's not like I wanted to go out clubbing, and 4) I am really nervous about going back and was looking forward to seeing the rest of the team beforehand so that would be one less thing to worry about.

Now I'm really worried about going back, because not only have I got to see them all for the first time again at work instead of in a relaxed environment, but now she clearly thinks I am unprofessional and made me feel an inch tall. I do wonder whether if I had had flu instead of a mental illness she would have had the same reaction.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 08/07/2012 20:33

Your line manager was wrong and sounds bloody insensitive.

Was she going to be at the dinner tonight?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 08/07/2012 20:33

Thats really out of order IMO. She clearly has no idea about depression and classes your time off as a skive. I would have went anyway but I can see why you didnt.

Can you speak to the director and tell them how unsupported you feel by your line manager?

Ariel24 · 08/07/2012 20:37

I really feel for you, have been in a very similar situation. Depression and anxiety are unfortunately not taken seriously and it makes me so angry!

I second the advice about speaking to the director if you can. Good luck for tomorrow, hope you get on ok x

Babylon1 · 08/07/2012 20:38

YANBU at all. I had similar with my last line manager. Signed off sick with stress and anxiety (work related) and he took EVERY opportunity to belittle me and try to trip me up.

He even got colleagues to stalk my Facebook looking for signs that I wasn't actually stressed or anxious, and when I had posted about mundane things like having an ice cream with dd in the park I was pulled up on it

It drove me to the point of attempted suicide, I wad that ill with the stress. I took him to a tribunal in the end, took him for everything and cited constructive dismissal. I won too, and was offered my job back, which I declined.

He was quietly moved onwards in the dept and I believe is still there, still making lives a misery

But I believe in karma

Babylon1 · 08/07/2012 20:39

Oh yes, good luck for tomorrow OP

AllieZ · 08/07/2012 20:42

Staying in the house all the time makes me feel even more depressed
and I'm supposed to be getting out when I can
YABU. No one suggested you stay in all day. People suppose you can organise your own outings, say, going for a nice walk.

Passmethecrisps · 08/07/2012 20:45

Good luck for tomorrow. This was completely unreasonable behaviour. Anyone with an ounce of common sense of empathy should have encouraged you to attend the social on the grounds that you need maintain relationships.

What an arse.

Original poster

workdilemma · 08/07/2012 20:49

Thanks... AllieZ She suggested that I shouldn't be seeing anyone or doing anything 'enjoyable' when I had been signed off.

OP posts:

edwinbear · 08/07/2012 20:50

YANBU the dinner would have been an ideal opportunity to introduce yourself back into your working environment in an informal setting. Her attempts to ostracise you on the basis of your sick leave, I think are at best, unsupportive, at worst, discriminatory.

dribbleface · 08/07/2012 21:00

Terrible on her part. In the past when I had a staff member of with depression and anxiety one of my staff went to pick her up and bring her in to meet us for lunch and then take her home (she wanted to we didn't kidnap her or anything!)

Ariel24 · 08/07/2012 21:03

OP, are you good friends with any of your colleagues, is it possible to maybe speak to them, not to talk about line manager or anything but just to let them know you are a bit nervous about tomorrow? They might be able to support you and help put your mind at ease.

I had depression and anxiety as a teenager and missed lots of school. Going back was really hard but I had two really good friends who supported me and made it a lot easier.

justtryingtodomybest · 08/07/2012 21:13

She's being very unfair. It would be so much easier to go back to work if you had met up with some colleagues beforehand.
Re-socialising (not sure if that's actually a word) is a very important part of recovery. During depression it's very easy to cut yourself off from everyone. Going out for a walk is all very well (and physical exercise is important) but it's also key to spend time with other people - and to start enjoying that again.
Good luck for tomorrow. I am starting my 3rd week of phased return and can honestly say that the first day was absolutely fine.

50ShadesOfGreggs · 08/07/2012 21:16

YANBU

Your line manager sounds like a cow.

You are not being unprofessional at all IMO.

Good luck for tomorrow OP, and if your line manager behaves like this again I would suggest having a word with the director.

ShellyBoobs · 08/07/2012 21:37

dribbleface - sounds similar to what I did with a member of staff under similar circumstances. We (my team) went to the pub for lunch and invited him along. He really appreciated the chance to see everyone in an informal setting before coming back to work as he'd been anxious about people's reactions to him coming back.

OP, your manager sounds like a fuckwit. I just can't understand how anyone can be so bloody thoughtless and uncaring about their staff.

If you feel you can, I would definitely speak to your director about things.

Good luck for tomorrow!

marriedinwhite · 08/07/2012 22:13

Oh dear. To be perfectly honest I think your first point of return should be your return to work meeting on Monday, the date of your adjusted duties return. If you are fit enought to return with adjusted duties, you should be liaising with your line manager and possibly the director, not chatting with your work mates. Also, I'm afraid, if you have been too ill to attend work in accordance with your contract of employment, then you are too ill to attend a work "do" in your own time. If something upset you at that "do" that was work related prior to your official return, the company wouldn't have a leg to stand on if managers had encouraged you to attend.

I can see why you are upset and I can see why other have supported you but I do think you have been a bit unreasonable.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 08/07/2012 22:43

Going to work, which is a situation where you have responsibilities weighing on you is entirely different to an informal evening with collegues. If it was something at work that specifically upset the OP I doubt she would have even wanted to go to the "do" or indeed return to work.

The idea that if you are too ill to work you are too ill to socialise is completely ridiculous. Socialising would go a long way to helping the OP feel better.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 08/07/2012 22:47

If I was you I would try and relax as much as possible about tomorrow.

Write down what's happened with your line manager, in detail, and keep a note of anything else that happens that you feel is inappropriate or makes Ou uncomfortable.

Just gives you a bit of back up should you ever need it. And if it continues speak to the director.

Good luck tomorrow.

manicinsomniac · 08/07/2012 22:48

YANBU, you are going back to work in the morning! It's really sad that they didn't want you to have a nice, social reintroduction.

If the party had been in the middle of your sick leave I would say YWBU to go, as it is a little unfair to say you can go to fun things if you can't go to work. But, as you are back tomorrow, you are obviously better and they are being ridiculous!

Sunnydelight · 09/07/2012 03:41

What a stupid, nasty woman. A social event would have been the perfect way to ease back into work. If this is how she intends to go on I would suggest you make a note of everything negative she does/says from the beginning, if the company director is ok with it it is not up to her to decide otherwise.

holyfishnets · 09/07/2012 04:30

She should have welcomed you! See the fault with her and her behaviour symbolic of her own personal flaws, don't see her as representative of anyone else.

Can you talk to company director about what she has said.

sharklet · 09/07/2012 04:47

If you were not going to start back at work tomorrow I wold say YABU however a few hours after the event you are returning to work - it seems perfectly acceptable of yout o attend and I would have thought your line manager would have thought it odd if you had not at least considered it.

Flip