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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH comment about my pregnancy weight

26 replies

OPindisguise · 08/07/2012 11:15

Have name changed as I may want to use thread as a starter for conversation later.

I have tokophobia and have been having masses of support from midwife, counsellor and consultant to see if I can get to a mentally strong enough place to attempt a natural delivery of my first baby who is due in 7 weeks.

My DH is fully aware of this.

I have been finding things increasingly stressful and feel anxious a lot of the time as things get closer and I'm doubting my ability to birth my child.

DH fully aware of this.

I have put on a bit of weight in addition to bump, not an outrageous amount but I'll probably have a stone or so to lose I guess. I really haven't worried about that as figured I already had enough stress.

Earlier I was attempting to get in the bath and said 'oh my god I'm so massive' DH replied 'yeah, what are you going to do about that?'

I said 'pardon?' and he simply repeated those exact words.

I told him to f off and he rolled his eyes and sighed at me.

I realise I might be oversensitive at the moment but AIBU to be very pissed off by such a comment?

OP posts:

ApolloSmintheus · 08/07/2012 11:17

YANBU. What a prick.

WorraLiberty · 08/07/2012 11:18

It wasn't a comment, it was a question and he wouldn't have asked it if you hadn't have said you were massive.

Let it go, as you said yourself you're feeling stressed.

But in future, don't refer to yourself as massive if you don't want anyone else to agree/discuss your weight.

ThisIsAUsername · 08/07/2012 11:18

I'd have told him I was planning on losing however much he weighs. Insensitive git.

Cathycomehome · 08/07/2012 11:18

What ApolloSmitheus said!

NatashaBee · 08/07/2012 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucieMay · 08/07/2012 11:37

What did you expect him to say "no you're not massive?". Then you'd have accused him of lying! Sometimes men can't win whatever they say.

Original poster

OPindisguise · 08/07/2012 11:38

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Even if I'd put on 5 stone I just can't believe he'd say that now! Afterwards once I'd mentally settled down I could understand, not that I'd be happy about it but still.

I made the comment because I'm finding it harder and harder to get in and out of the bath rather than a vanity thing so it's not as if I was moaning about not looking good or something.

Grrr.

OP posts:

MeconiumHappens · 08/07/2012 11:43

Incredibly insensitive, its not like youve put on 5 stone. I would be very pissed off. The appropriate, and only, answer to that is "you're not massive, you're pregnant". Id be having a rant chat about laying down stores to feed baby, etc and making it clear that if he thinks he can start making dieting comments postnatally he is very much misguided.

ApolloSmintheus · 08/07/2012 11:50

I'd expect him to say "you are pregnant and growing my child inside you. I think you're beautiful, even if you think you're massive." That is the appropriate response.

strawberrybubblegum · 08/07/2012 12:32

I'd have expected him to interpret 'oh my god I'm so massive' as 'Being 33 weeks pregnant makes basic things like getting into the bath ridiculously difficult - I hate that!' rather than 'I'm worried about having put on weight'.

So I don't think worra's comment holds, and I'd have expected him to sympathise and say something along the lines of 'I know it's tough, but it'll be worth it when our lovely baby arrives'. Ideally followed by 'I'm so proud of you for doing this'.

You're going through all kinds of horrible stuff just now, and you've got childbirth ahead of you (sorry). All he has to do is be nice to you and support you - and he's not even doing that?! YANBU

WorraLiberty · 08/07/2012 12:49

I'd expect him to say "you are pregnant and growing my child inside you. I think you're beautiful, even if you think you're massive." That is the appropriate response

Yeah but what about if the OP's already feeling nauseous? That'd have her puking everywhere

Seriously, it's ok everyone sitting here taking the time to sit and think of Mills and Boon type responses etc.

But in reality, the OP made a comment and her DH said the first thing that came out of his mouth at the time.

It's her first baby so maybe it's his first too and he'll soon learn when to keep his mouth shut!

exexe · 08/07/2012 12:56

I think that was very insensitive and rude of him.
He could have just said 'don't worry about that for now' which is still acknowledging the truth but understanding the situation as well.

I don't think many men come out with mills and boon responses (my dh certainly doesn't) but that doesn't mean they have to make crap comments like that!

OhNoMyFanjo · 08/07/2012 13:01

Pass a message on from me

cock off

bronze · 08/07/2012 13:01

I would have replied
"I will have the baby and lose most of it immediately, how about you?"
Or
"watch it matey or I'll be losing 13 stone of useless weight"

But then we constantly tease each other as try not to see offence where non was really given

Viviennemary · 08/07/2012 13:04

It was a thoughtless thing to say. But I don't suppose he meant any harm by it if he is normally kind and supportive.

ooer · 08/07/2012 13:06

When I was at a similar stage, DH saw me in the bath and cheerfully commented: "Thaar she blows!"

I was able to make it clear to him that his opinion of my size and weight were frankly very low down on my list of priorities.

YANBU to be a bit pissed off at the comment, but don't let it assume huge significance - you have a lot more going on than than a few stray pounds which you will presumably deal with in your own way if and when it suits you.

Good luck with it all, OP.

paticker · 08/07/2012 13:08

YABU It was a bit thoughtless but I think to tell him to F off is a major overreaction on your part.

Original poster

OPindisguise · 08/07/2012 13:09

Some of these responses have put a smile on my face, thank you!

I feel I was quite fair in saying 'pardon?' after he said it the first time, thereby giving him a second to perhaps rephrase what had just tumbled out of his great gob. But no, on he went!

strawberry yes I think that's exactly it, we've spoken before about how hard it is to do simple things like get socks on and giggled about the positions I have to adopt. I stupidly assumed he would take my comment to have a similar meaning.

OP posts:

xMumof3x · 08/07/2012 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Angelico · 08/07/2012 13:31

He sounds like he just said the first nobber thing to come into his head but I'll reserve judgement on whether he actually is a complete nobber or it was just a brain fart... but have to be honest my DH would never have said that :(

As for what are you going to do about it? Well you're going to have your baby and lose your waters so there's at least 9lbs right there :)

And I think you are being amazingly brave squaring up to your tokophobia - your DH should be giving you extra support.

In fact tbh I am increasingly thinking he is a nobber

maddening · 08/07/2012 13:33

I would have expected him to say "no, you're pregnant" - his comment /question was wholly unnecessary and quite nasty and thoughtless - wouldn't say that to anyone myself (sounds more like something a manager would say during a staff appraisal!)

I think he should apologise and make sure you know how much he loves you and appreciates not only how tough being pregnant can be but how hard it is for you with your phobia.

ps good luck with the birth - you can do it (don't know what techniques you're already using but the relaxation and visualisation used in hypnobirthing might be useful)

MsVestibule · 08/07/2012 13:41

Are you sure he didn't mean it in a jokey way, i.e. you're having a baby soon, so that's how you'll be getting rid of the weight? That's how I read it, anyway. If you think you've only put an additional stone on, is he really likely to know what's baby and what's excess fat?

My DH posted photos of me with my big bump in a file called Fat Lady, which made me . If he'd called it that post birth, I'd have been more and .

thebody · 08/07/2012 13:42

Sure he didn't mean to hurt you but was a stupid remark. We all make them. I exPect he is very worried about your response to your Pregnancy and birth as well.

Ooer, sorry but the whale joke made me spit out my tea.

RightBuggerforit · 08/07/2012 13:42

I put on 4 stone and if dh had said that I'd have told him none of your business, fuck off you shit. But my dh isn't stupid enough as much of a cock as to say anything like that. Yanbu.

KellyElly · 08/07/2012 14:52

My ex use to grab hold of my back fat (I put on three stone when pregnant) and shake it about. I was not impressed! Some men just are missing a sensitivity brain cell at times.

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