to never invite/allow anybody into my house again?

[Sluttybuttons]

Im done being judged because my house is a mess. Its very clear that my family only tolerate me because of my kids. Im pretty sure they think im a shit mum just because i dont do things the same way they do it. Im told they dont expect a "show home" but thats exactly what they expect. No my house isnt always tidy but even when it is, its not good enough. So basically im done and dont want anybody in my house.

You must be knackered. {{hugs}} Is there anyone who can give you a break so you can get some time to yourself?

Hmm, not sure on this one. I work FT and have a very messy dp and two messy children, and I do find it a struggle to keep on top of it sometimes. I feel like I spend my entire weekends cleaning and clearing, and sacrificing time with my children and time doing fun things in order to keep the place socially acceptable. And I am also blessed with a hypercritical mother, who is not happy unless she's finding fault with some aspect of my life, my family or my home.

BUT I'm also aware how easy it is to slip past the point where it feels in control, and once you're past there it rapidly gets worse and is very hard to take pride or pleasure in your home. My standards aren't very high, but I think it's important to make sure that every evening the washing up is done, the kitchen and living room are reasonably tidy, the floor is swept/hoovered and bins put out. Then, at the weekend, every room gets properly tidied, the bathrooms cleaned, the bedlinen changed, the washing folded and put away, plus at least a few of those extra jobs like dusting the venetian blinds, cleaning windows etc. I'm aware from MN threads that that makes me positively slatternly compared to some, but it means that, say, if I get a last-minute call to say someone is coming round to visit, I can get the place looking good enough in 5-10 minutes, and completely fine in half an hour.

So I do think some social pressure is useful in maintaining standards. Without that pressure, I would always be too knackered to get it together. And the social pressure that has the most impact on me is that from my children's peer group, not mine. As a child, I was ashamed of my home and family. Just once, I had a secondary school friend home for tea, and she told everybody that I lived in a slum (our council flat wasn't messy, but it lacked basic amenities). My kids already have a weird family, and I'm determined that I'm not going to add to their social burden by having a filthy home. Plus they need to learn how to keep a tidy home, how to clean up after themselves and create a reasonably pleasant living environment.

So I'm quite sympathetic to how you're feeling, but also think that it would be way more constructive if you used this as a spur for getting in control of your physical environment. Perhaps you could do that AND ban the negative people in your life?

Nope there is no way ive go it wrong or am being over sensitive. No matter what i do ill just never be good enough

Slutty. You sound depressed. Think you need to see your GP.

I can tidy up then 10 mins later its a mess again. The only way i could make sure my house stayed tidy would be to not let the children play. I dont have anybody who can entertain them while i get stuff done and by the time bedtime arrives im too shattered to even move. Its the only time i get to sit down and relax with a cuppa. They have 2 naps a day and in the morning i sort washing, put dishwasher on and get lunch ready. Then the afternoon nap gives me time to make dinner.

Im seeing a councillor to deal with stuff, i know im depressed

The house is not important. Taking care of your mental health and your kids is important, and it sounds like you are doing both.

A bit of mess will not kill them and your family's opinion of your home simply does not matter. If you can, try to dismiss their comments as simply not important. I know that's hard to do because we do automatically pay family more attention, but I think you should try it. It's oddly liberating....

"I can tidy up then 10 mins later its a mess again". Yes. Absolutely. Don't even try to keep it tidy all day: that way madness lies. You need to work out what standards feel important to you (as in, make you feel good about yourself and your environment) and focus on a system for getting to them on a regular, preferably daily, basis. So I like to have everything clean and tidy (ish - as I say, my standards aren't high) once a day. Just once. I accept that in the hours between it will often look as though a bomb has hit it. But knowing that, once the children are in bed, I will restore order is really psychologically important to me.

In addition, on the days when I'm at home I try to wash up straight after every meal, clean the table and worktops, and quickly sweep the floor. That probably seems as normal as breathing to the naturally tidy types, but it isn't to me. It does, however, mean that washing up is only ever a short chore, not a long one (and no, I don't have a dishwasher) and it means that if someone pops round the place only looks messy, not dirty.

Finally, think about your storage. I have a big wooden blanket box in the kitchen (cost £5 from carboot sale) that I can just chuck everything in if somebody comes to visit. I also have one in the living room. I have a bin thing at the bottom of the stairs that I throw in everything that needs to go up, and everytime I go upstairs I take it with me.

BUT I agree that you sound depressed. And that probably means you're in that cycle where you're too low to tackle your house, but the state of your house makes you even more low. It's really important to get some help with this, and also to try to reframe any tidy-up efforts as something you are doing for yourself, rather than something that you are doing in response to the comments of others.

Best of luck.

It's hard OP. I remember that stage of little children and mess well. My children are grown now so my house is reasonable most of the time but my mother forgets how she used to criticise me and now does it to my youngest DB and complains to me about his house. I guess some people will never change is what I'm saying and it is their problem not the poor, criticised victims'.

The important things in life are people, not houses or stuff. Try to be happy, have fun with your children and bugger the complainers.

the years are far too short, children grow too quickly and in no time there will no children to tidy up after. children want their mum to play with and cuddle in preference to an immaculate house. the house needs to be good enough, that all.

Your house is not important , you are though. So be kind to yourself and sod what everyone else thinks.

My family are the same. I tell them to fuck off and not come here. Currently not speaking to my grandfather over the twatting shit that comes out of his mouth.

Is your house comfortable for you and your DC's? Is it clean and can you move? If yes, it's all good.

Watch ' How Clean is your House' amd those hording programmes. It'll make you feel a whole lot better.

In the meantime if someone is coming round, shove all surplus shite into supermarket bags for life and stick them out of the way somewhere. If you don't need anything from them in the next 6 weeks chuck 'em out.

Your DC won't want you to spend your time constantly cleaning. It's all relative. My ILs think my house is in a shocking state, compared to their immaculate (childfree) showhome. Friends think I'm massively houseproud, compared to them, because the dishes are done and I do the ironing straight away. You can't live your life by anyone's standards but your own. Fuck 'em.

Beecon's right. Kids love a bit of anarchy

Couldnt give a damn about the state of your house slutty. am more concerned that you have problems and perhaps need some help / support. do you really think in 20 years time your kids are going to remember if you house was tidy or not or are they going to remember all the great things you did with them. i have a sign up "a tidy house is a sign of a wasted life" this is what i live by.

Atrgh had a big long post written when MN went down

Anyway it basically said :

You said you can tidy up in 10 mins - well can you harness ten mins energy after DC in bed to whirl around then? You'll have your cuppa in peace & orderliness and most importantly IT WILL STAY THAT WAY for the rest of the night. And you'll wake up to a tidy place, you'll be a step ahead of yourself before you even start your day.

Set your phone timer tomorrow evening. Ten minutes no more. then have your cuppa. Not easy, is not for me but worth it.

My house is not filthy, but definitely could do with being tidied, dusted and properly cleaned more often.
I just cannot find time, the thought of spending my spare time slaving over this house rather than going out with DD sickens me. Nor can I afford a cleaner.
We don't have enough storage and have never unpacked properly from when we moved here so everythings a bit higgledy piggledy. But its fine. To everyone.
Except from my family.

They come over unnanounced and make comments like 'Oh your bathroom's quite clean, shame you didn't do the windows'.

'I don't understand why you didn't just put this away' 'This can't be good for dd' etc etc.

I had a mini-meltdown and told them that they are the only people that come to my house and do this. DP's family don't do it. Their argument is that 'they are the only ones who would tell me the truth'.

I've told them to keep it buttoned or they are not welcome. It was a bit touch and go at first but now they know to call before coming over etc.

Don't let your family get you down. Just 'tell it like it is' seeing as that's what they are doing to you.

SMILE at them when they say these things. Then tell them beautifically what lovely things you did instead - park trip, museum, etc.

Keep smiling. They'll thnk you're weird and will keep away (which is, after all, what you want, no?)

Trust me, this works

My house is always chaos too, I tend to put off having people over 'until the house is sorted', but it is nice when it is a bit more ordered. Now they are all getting a bit older I want mine to start taking a bit more responsibility, maybe your 7yr old can help.

I also find that if I have a spare 15mins during the day, rather than tackle the toys on the floor, which just means 10 more will join them, I let the kids play with the toys while I tackle e.g. the kitchen windowsill, which is a dumping spot. The floor is no more messy, but the windowsill will stay tidier for longer. People usually can tollerate toys out, but get fixated on piles of clutter. Find spots in your house which only you or dh tend to clutter up and sort them out.

And next time your family suggest that they come over, tell them that it is only fair that you go and visit them for a change and see the havoc your children can inflict on their show homes!

Cleaning And Scrubbing
Can Wait Till Tomorrow...

For Babies Grow Up
We've Learned
To Our Sorrow...

So Quiet Down Cobwebs...
Dust Go To Sleep...

I'm Rocking My Baby,
And Babies Don't Keep.

Oddly enough having visitors is the only thing that motivates me to do a bit of cleaning! House is still far from perfect tho.

opps posted too early!

Most of my friends actually have really messy cars and houses and I really like the way they are so human and their lives so full. I accept them for who they are. If they ever pop round without warning it's fine too but the house will be creative and messy.