To be sick and tired of ex p and his crap.

[AnaemicPrincess]

Lots of history here but basically was with ex p for 6 years and we have a 5 year old Ds. He was emotionally abusive and at one point physically. He didn't pay any form of maintenance for the first 4 and a half years of ds's life (we never lived together). He has had problems with drink and is banned from driving for 10 Years because he was caught drink driving twice.

Anyways when we split and I decided that moving away was best for my Ds he took me to court. After a lengthy battle it was decided I could take Ds provided I brought he back to Ireland (we moved to UK as I was born here) a certain amount of times a year (all paid for by me I should add) he has only paid maintenance for 6 months or so as it was decided by court that he should (no back payment or anything btw). He is to have Ds for 4 weeks in the summer. First 2 weeks of July, first 2 weeks of august. As you know on the uk they are still at school first 2 weeks in July so this had to be amended to 4 weeks on the trot soon as he finishes school which devastated me as I have not been away from him for more then a week since he was born.

Today I received a solicitors letter from him stating that he was doing me a favour by having our ds for 4 weeks in a row and that I was in the wrong for booking flights to one airport when it was in the court documents that I was to book them to a certain airport (this is completely fabricated, I have read the papers 100+ times) and also that it was my choice to change from 2 sets of 2 weeks to 4 weeks in a row (it wasn't, it's all dependent on school holidays)

And to top it all off he hasn't paid maintenance this week!

Sorry for the long post and rant just really needed to get it off my chest. I hate him I really do.

Just say you can't afford to go, as he has not paid maintainance. You probably couldn't get away with that though.

I'm sorry, I can't really help but he sounds a complete and utter twat delight!!

No advice really... just sympathy. You sound like a brilliant mum!

I know he has behaved badly but I always wonder what the other side of the story is. Nobody is perfect.
It is very hard to say one way or another on here.

I have mentioned before that I'm struggling to pay for all the flights but his solicitor has just said that it was my choice to move therefor my responsibility to pay for the flights even if it leaves me skint.

Thank you tiddlybears that's very kind :)

I completely understand your point soulsource, you'll just have to take my word for it that he's a complete an utter toxic waste of space. I could write a whole list of things he's done but...

It doesn't matter who has done what, the most important thing here is the child. I cannot see for the life of me, how on earth it is a good idea for the child to suddenly be removed from his mother for 4 whole weeks. It makes no sense. Are you going to be in Ireland for the 4 weeks? Will he be able to see you? Surely this should have been a gradual process. In these circumstances are you actually better off in UK or being in Ireland but not too near XP?

Ignore his solicitors letters tone. Reply in writing that you will make DS available for contact on X date as agreed at X place, as schools in England finish at X date.

Ignore everything else, it's calculated to get your blood pressure rocketing so you retaliate rudely so they can show the courts what a rabid bitch you are... been there done that!

I have mentioned before that I'm struggling to pay for all the flights but his solicitor has just said that it was my choice to move therefor my responsibility to pay for the flights even if it leaves me skint

Well that is true and I'm sure if your ex had taken your son away to another country you'd feel the same when it came to you having contact.

However, the facts are clearly wrong in the letter so I would write to the Solicitor pointing that out.

Your best offence here is completely OTT reasonableness. say you're very sorry he's upset about the choice of airport. You can understand why he would be if he mistakenly believed another airport was to be chosen and you have a lot of sympathy, but you weren't to know that as it isn't in the court order.

Could you suggest the last two weeks of july, after the schools finish, and the last two weeks of august? That way your DD isn't apart from you so long. Say you have no wish to limit his contact time, but the priority for both of you should be your DD's best interests, which aren't served by being apart from you for such an extended period.

If part of the court agreement is that he pays maintenance, then he isn't fulfilling his part of it and can't really moan at you for not fulfilling yours. However, rather than sink to his level, I'd let him hang himself with his own rope. It's unreasonable for anyone to expect you to pay for flights if he's not paying for his DDs basic upkeep. Only a misogynistic judge would think otherwise. Even if you lived in the same country, fuel would be a consideration unless you lived in the same town. Food and a roof have to come first. Visitation with the other parent means little if the child is turning up hungry and in shoes that are falling apart.

Be as reasonable as you can, let him show his true colours, and then go back to court. You'd probably find you got a much more favourable deal. Moving back to get family support can be viewed a lot more favourably and not penalised as much when it is clearly demonstrable that the other parent isn't actually a heartbroken parent doing their best but actually a controlling arse quite prepared to use their child to get one over on the other.

Agree with Dahlen word for word. And sorry he is being such a cock. You may find that over time he drops out of your DS's life - he will be enjoying his continued power over you short term but will probably find it a hassle looking after DS longer term, dump them on GP etc.

Now you live in the UK could you not demand that the case be heard in a British court? I have no idea if this is possible as my forte is criminal and immigration law, not family law.

Surely allowing a man who has been emotionally and physically abusive and has convictions based upon his decision to drive whilst drunk isn't the best person for a small boy to have exclusive contact with for a month.

I chose to move here on the basis that I could further my education and make a better life for my Ds so moving back isn't an option as I am now a year into a 2 year course plus Ds is settled in school and I have also met my current dp who is just amazing. We love our life here and moving back would just be horrible all round. Plus we have a support network here where as the only support I would have back home is my dad.

I'd go with being unable to afford the tickets because the prick hasn't paid maintenance.

Surely if you are struggling with the plane tickets, four weeks is better for you?

Of course it will be a wrench, but you'll get through it - just make sure you have plans of your own to stop you from moping.

I see no reason though, to bring the lack of maintenance into play regarding paying for flights.

Don't you JeezyPeeps? Hmmm I can see what you mean, the money is meant to support her DS not pay for things that she should be paying for herself anyway.

However.

The money that she would use to pay for things like the flights is being used to cover expenses for her DS that her DP should be paying for, leaving her struggling to find the money for the flights.

I agree with what others have said here in that you've got to have this looked at again. What you must do at this point is seek some legal advice on how to proceed.

In the meantime, make sure you're doing all else that you can to show you're helping son maintain a relationship with his father.

Keep a written log of everything as it happens (in your own handwriting, and don't go back and write - historical notes won't be counted, only something that is clearly written contemporaneously). Making sure that son is available for all his dad's phone calls. Keep a note of all these, and make sure you have the phone records (so he can't say he called X number of times but no-one answered/you weren't there). See if you can organise Skype calls, so they can talk face to face. Really go out of your way to do this.

Don't respond to anything that's written to you in any sort of emotional tone. This is what they're trying to get out of you and it will look bad. Be totally reasonable at all times in correspondence, and always just stick to the facts.

Persumably the holidays thing was set before he started school. Now that he's 5, he can't legally be taken out of school for two weeks before the holidays start, so you could go to court and get that amended.

And talk to a family lawyer. As said by others here, a move to another country for family support etc when it can be shown you wouldn't have that if you stay is looked upon reasonably. And it might be possible now for you to seek an access agreement in the UK now. Hence why you should seek proper legal advice.

Yikes! I see no reason NOT to bring the non payment of maintenance I to it! One small word makes a huge difference.

Thank you for your comments and sorry for my slow replys. Financially yes it is better for Ds to be there 4 weeks. Emotionally it will be distressing for both of us but flights are booked now as I had no choice and they were just getting more and more expensive.

I have told ex p that he can speak to Ds whenever he wants and he CHOOSES to speak to him ONCE a week over Skype for about 20 minutes. Thankfully Ds doesn't seem bothered by this so I don't force the issue other then constantly telling ex p he can call/Skype whenever he wants as well as ex p's family.

There are lots of other reasons why maintenance is a sore issue for me regarding ex p as he left me in thousands worth of debt because of his negligence when living within his means and I felt sorry for him. Plus the fact Ds is 5 and he has paid maintenance less then a year. Didn't buy him a birthday present for his 3rd or 4th Christmas or birthday but has money to go away on holiday/ refurbish his house with his partner.