to think my boss is a cow?

[PollyGoHome]

Have name changed for this one.

I'm a nanny, I look after 2 children five days a week. Mostly sole charge but sometimes their DM is there too, depending on her work schedule. Their father is usually away for work out of the country.

I've been there for 6 months now, and am really struggling with knowing how to deal with my boss (the kids' DM). She's a very intimidating woman, and she's admitted herself that she knows this.

She criticises my cooking, in the beginning I didn't add salt to their food as they're 3 and 1, I don't add salt to my DS's food and he's 4! But she shouted at me for this so now I do (I really don't feel comfortable doing it though). She will give vague details of what I should do for the kids dinner i.e meat and peas but will tell me I've done them the wrong way.

On one day she was at home and her one year old was playing up, he wasn't feeling well and I took him to the other room, but he wanted his mum and screamed and screamed. Eventually I let him go to her and she shouted at me about this.

She's shouted at me for a few more IMO trivial things, then other times she will wait until I've gone home and email me about a problem she has with something I have or haven't done.

Sonmetimes she is obviously extremely rude, other times I'm unsure if she means to be. She's not from this country and sometimes there's a slight language barrier I feel.

I'm miserable. I'm very fond of the kids but I'm starting to hate getting up knowing I'm going to have to deal with her, not knowing what mood she will be in. Especially if it's a day she's going to be there.

WIBU to give my notice? Or do I stick it out for the sake of the kids and my CV?

Probably better to speak to her about it and tell her you find her behaviour unacceptable. Can you speak to her DH about it if you think language is an issue? It's a tough one but they have to be fair in your reference and unless it is your first job you can always use previous referees - having the odd 'personality clash' is to be expected in your line of work when you are so closely involved with the family.

I'm always of the opinion that life is too short to hang around somewhere if you're miserable - so tell her your concern, give her a chance to resolve things and then give notice if she doesn't take the hint.

And the fact that she 'admits' she is intimidating is a red flag for me. She sounds like a bully frankly. Maybe unhappy that DH is away so much and looking for someone to take it out on? Whatever the psychology of it you don't need to put up with it. A good nanny will always find employment, especially if you're in a city.

I don't think it would be unreasonable, as you sound very unhappy. But maybe you should talk to her first and see if things could be made better. I would write down for yourself in bullets exactly what is difficult for you, and then write down how YOU would wish this to be resolved (so you are clear in your own head).

Eg - on the days she is there - point out to her that her children obviously wish to be in her company to the point of becoming upset, so maybe she could agree to spend some time with them, or else you plan to be out for the day. Do this for everything that upsets you (write it down I mean - not necessarily bring everything up when you talk)

Tell her that you need to talk very seriously about your position as it is clear that neither of you are happy and that you would like to talk about it rather than just leave. But if you can't come to a decision that is right for you, then YANBU at all in leaving.

Because she already knows she can be intimidating (and she hasn't changed her ways), I can't see her changing if you voice your concerns. She may actually get her back up if you do.

She sounds like a nightmare. I would look for a new job pronto and once you've secured one, get out!

You spend a lot of time at work, you should enjoy it.

Good luck!

I know deep down I need to discuss with her I'm just so scared of the woman, it's ridiculous! Part of me feels sorry for her sometimes, but she can be so horrid that I just want to be away from it!

As someone else said. Life's too short!

Write down what you need to say to her. It will help to keep you focused and calm. I think you should speak to her first and then if it does not help, quit as life is too short. But I think for your own self worth you should attempt to talk to her.

she sounds like a bitch, in my exp as a nanny, if you go to an interview with a new familyand explain the current situation, the new family will feel a lot of sympathy and feel more confident that they can give you a better experience. iyswim

The family I nanny for have been interviewing nannies because Im about to start uni and they have taken a real shine to one who has been treated apallingly by her family who she lives with in London, I really liked her and felt her vulnerability is endearing.

Good luck and get the heck out of there.

she has no right to shout at you. You are there to do a job if you aren't doing what she wants then she is entitled to say something but shouting at you and making you scared is just so wrong. She sounds vile.

Don't be scared of her. She needs you much more than you need her.

Loads of people seem to be crying out for nannies, hand in your notice. If she gets down on her knees and begs you to stay and addresses all your concerns and actually makes an effort to put things right, you can always stay. If not, move on. Life is way too short to be miserable in such a full on job. Nannying needs someone who is happy to be there and will devote themself to the care of the DCs, not someone who is jumpy and nervous and afraid of what the boss is going to say or do next.

It may be a cultural thing which is no excuse!. Where is she from? I know in some countries "the hired help are treated like shit". It would be unimaginable to treat employees with respect.

Yanbu

I wouldn't waste another second on the entitled bitch and her kids.

If my boss shouted at my when I was working, I would have no qualms whatsoever about walking out immediately. I'm a director in a very large corporation and I would never, ever tolerate one of my staff shouting at another employee. Nor would I behave like that myself.

There's such a thing as 'respect' and everyone is deserving of that, whether they're a cleaner attacking turds with a fucking machette in someone's loo or a nanny taking care of their 'dear' children. There is just no call whatsoever for shouting at someone you're employing.

If you're in a position to do so, tell your employer to convey herself to the far side of fuck.

There's a few ways to approach this.

You know that trick when you try to imagine someone powerful naked, to make them less intimidating? Could you, similarly, try to imagine her as a tantruming toddler rather than a shouty bitch even though she is both?

At a time when she's not shouting but you are conversing calmly with her, could you raise the points you raised in your OP here? That it is not OK for her to shout at you, and that it is illogical to complain about how you have done a task when her directions have been vague. And that her behaviour is making you think of leaving her employment.

Or, when she is shouting, just telling her calmly not to, and walking away if she continues to do so?

She's not from this country, do you think her behaviour would be considered acceptable in her home country? If so, could you consider it a kindness to inform her that her behaviour is not acceptable here, and she should adapt as it is causing ill-feeling?

On the whole I would raise the subject with her first (when she's not shouting) but if I felt it wasn't going to change I'd hand in my notice and go elsewhere. Life is too short to work under such conditions.

I would leave tbh. Being shouted at would be a total deal breaker for me; there are cultural differences and there is total lack of respect! Unless the job is SO well paid and fantastic otherwise, in which case you might want to try and salvage it, give yourself a break and move on.

If you don't want to raise the subject directly with her, do as she does and write an e-mail. How about:

Dear Employer

I would like to raise two issues and ask for your support and assistance.

Firstly please could you tell me exactly what you would like me to cook for the children each day. Or perhaps we could discuss a three week menu plan. At the moment I do not know what you want and my ideas do differ from yours.

Secondly if you want to give me instructions please be calm as shouting upsets the children. If you let me know in advance exactly what is required each day then I can follow your wishes. A note in the kitchen or an e-mail the night before would be fine.

If there are house rules I need to be aware of them so I can do my job properly.

Kind regards,

Polly

If she won't help you do your job properly then you need feel no guilt in finding a different employer.