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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is rude/odd/something I just wouldn't do!

71 replies

newmummytobe79 · 06/07/2012 17:26

In the grand scheme of things, and compared to what others have to deal with on here this is petty - but I'd still like your views!

I have a usually good relationship with my MIL and she adores her GC. This is not a MIL bashing thread - I would feel this way if any family member did this.

Here goes:

My mother gives me a photo of my baby that I'd previously said I adored. I leave it in our house. Whilst away my MIL comes in to drop some milk off (nice gesture) and takes the photo. On our return, she tells my DH she has taken the picture and that it's to show off to her friends.

On arriving home, I take my DC to see her. I look up and MY photo is now in a frame on her fireplace. I'm pretty pissed off/shocked, but just say 'oh there's my photo. I wondered where that had gone.'

She asks for a copy, I say yes that's no problem, and she takes it out of the frame ... whilst looking like I've asked her to give me her kidney.

Am I being unreasonable to think this was a rude thing to do!?!

I wouldn't dream of ever taking anything from her house, and then to top it off, displaying said taken thing where I know she will see it!

I also know if the roles were reversed with her DD and her DD's MIL - it would not go down well! Where as I'm more of a walk-over.

I'm feeling 50% petty for taking the picture back when I could ask my mother to print another but 50% well in my right to take back the photo my mother printed for me!

If it helps the jury - she now has her own version which my mother printed for her.

I know it sounds daft - but I'm wondering if I'm BU or if she was?

Thanks
OP posts:
Original poster
newmummytobe79 · 06/07/2012 18:12

Phew! Just glad I'm not the only one who thinks it's odd!

Jamie - can I ask what you mean? It's just that her (and FIL) showed me some 'wonderful' photos on their camera the other day of the DC that I 'must' see. I had to pretend I hadn't seen them before ... when I took them! Confused

OP posts:
BerthaTheBogBurglar · 06/07/2012 18:14

In other circs I'd say it was a bit petty to take it back rather than get another one printed, but actually I think you needed to let her know that what she did wasn't ok. Asking for it back like that sends a loud and clear message!

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/07/2012 18:15

Rude and yes, just plain odd behaviour on her part. What was to stop her saying something along the lines of 'what a lovely photograph, could you make me a copy?', which would have given you the opportunity to say 'of course, why don't you have this one and I'll get my mother to print of another for me?', then everyone would have felt good about the whole thing, her for the photo/your generosity, you for her interest/your good deed? Instead, there's low-level resentment all round.

I can see why she might take it in the first place, probably expecting to bring it back before your return, but keeping and framing it - no, that's stealing rude.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 06/07/2012 18:16

You took the photos on their camera? Maybe they didn't realise you took those ones? They're from the generation that doesn't expect to see photos you've taken till several weeks later in a little envelope ...

I think Jamie means, is your MIL's mental health ok. If she is suddenly doing really odd things when she wouldn't usually.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 06/07/2012 18:16

Sorry, I used to work with elderly people with mental health problems or dementia. My radar is often twanging when it comes to out-of character behaviour. Sometimes people are just odd or selfish, or nasty, but sometimes they are under stress, or depressed or have the start of a dementing illness.

It could easily be nothing (showing you the same photo's for instance - loads of us do that), or it could be the start of something

pumpkinsweetie · 06/07/2012 18:19

Yanbu, but i would worry about her mental health considering she did it on impulse and has also framed it Hmm-very odd

SophiaWinters · 06/07/2012 18:32

Has there maybe been a misunderstanding? She gave you the photo after you said how much you like it. Perhaps she gave you the photo so that you could make a copy of it for yourself, not for you to keep her original. That might explain her strange look when you asked for it back, she's thinking "this is my photo, I thought you had made yourself a copy" or something like that. Rather than causing embarrasment she asked if you could give her a copy back. This might not be what's happened but a possibility? However even if that is what happened, if I was your MIL I think I'd have asked if you'd made yourself a copy of the photo and could I please have it back rather than take it whilst you're away.

Iteotwawki · 06/07/2012 18:46

Sophia, I read it as OP's mother had given her the photo and her MiL had "borrowed" it.

OP - very strange. Agree that it's rude to help yourself to something from someone else's house! I don't know a single person who would think this is acceptable - fine to admire a photo or ask for a copy but really weird to just take it!

NervousAt20 · 06/07/2012 18:47

It was quite rude of her to just take it out of yor house without asking then decide to keep it and frame, if you get along well couldn't she have asked for a copy when he saw it and liked the picture aswell?

MagicHouse · 06/07/2012 18:57

JamieandtheOlympicTorch you make me ashamed of jumping in with a "yes it's rude and odd" response. Blush You're right - coupled with the photos thing - which sounds oddly forgetful, that depression or other problems should be ruled out first.

rainydaysarebad · 06/07/2012 19:07

Yanbu, but i would worry about her mental health considering she did it on impulse and has also framed it -very odd

What?! Just because a mil went to her son and dil's house and took a picture on display of her dgc? Wth? Thats not a mental health issue - its called an old grandmother loving a picture of her dgc and wanting to display it in her house. I wonder how op would have felt if it was her mother who took the pic and not her mil?

rainydaysarebad · 06/07/2012 19:08

And unless her mil has a problem with pinching other things from op's house then I don't think this is a big issue. Does she pinch other things op?

FreudianSlipper · 06/07/2012 19:08

oops i read it wrong i thought it was a picture of yourself Blush

no biggie really. if it was a regular thing i would say something but sounds like she is just a very proud granny i would let it go

SophiaWinters · 06/07/2012 19:09

Oh yes, very sorry I didn't read properly. Yes in that case very strange I agree.

ANTagony · 06/07/2012 19:12

Is it possible she's got a bit confused? Borrowed the photo, forgotten that she'd borrowed it, found it again, thought lovely photo, framed it and then felt thrown when you asked for it back?

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 06/07/2012 19:18

rainy - taking something without asking is a bit unusual though, don't you think? OP knows her MIL and seems to think so

Queenofcake · 06/07/2012 19:24

I dont think it was petty to ask for it back at all.

Yoiu dont want to let her think it is OK to walk into your home and take whatever she likes the look of - no matter how easy it is for you to obtain another.

If this behaviour continues then maybe yes it could be MH issues but no you were not unreasonable to act like you did in reaction to this one off incident of bizarre behaviour (which I assume was before the photos on the camera thing - which to me just sounds a normal old people thing).

RabidAnchovy · 06/07/2012 19:29

It is very rude, and you had every right to ask for it back.

A normal person would have ask you if they could get a copy, not steal your photo from your home

Xmasbaby11 · 06/07/2012 19:35

It's a bit rude, but it wouldn't bother me that much. It's only a photo that you can easily get a copy of and she would have known you would give it to her.

lovebunny · 06/07/2012 19:36

she did a terrible thing and you've been very nice about it.

rainydaysarebad · 06/07/2012 19:37

Yes I think it is unusual to take something without asking, but it's not like it was taken by a stranger. It was taken by a very close relative and it wasnt hidden away either. I dont know, I wouldn't get worked up about something like this, but then I don't have a mil and so don't know how annoying they can be...!

monsterchild · 06/07/2012 19:44

Is this her first grandchild? Enthusiasm can make us all idiots sometimes! I'm guessing she just really really lvoed the photo and what better way to show it off then framed on the mantle? especially if she has friends over a lot, they can all coo and make granny noises.

that being said, I think she overstepped by saying she wanted it to show off, but didn't say "can you get another copy, because I'll never be done showing off cute GC!"

stuffitunderthebed · 06/07/2012 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdventuresWithVoles · 06/07/2012 19:53

Very presumptuous of the MIL, I think it's a good thing you set the boundaries.
I am a wuss & probably would have just got my mom to print another for me.

Huffles · 06/07/2012 19:58

yanbu. She could have waited until you got back from being away to ask you if you wouldn't mind her taking the picture to be copied for herself.

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