AIBU to blame myself for this situation

[Ghanagirl]

hi
I'm worried about my DD, she's in reception, her twin is in another class at same school, she tends to be more outgoing than her brother but was really upset when they were put in different classes and took longer to settle. I mentioned to the teaching assistant that she knew one girl in her class from nursery who was also having problems settling as she was very shy, so the teacher encouraged them to be friends as did I and the other girls mum, lots of playdates etc.
The problem is now the little girl is telling my daughter not to play with anyone else, critising her clothes, her handwriting and also shouting at my DD, my little one has been tearful at times saying that she wants to play with someone else. I feel really sad and guilty because I initially said I'm sure she doesn't mean it etc. But then two things happened her cousin in yr 2 told me that my DD's friend shouting at her at playtime and making her cry also the teacher called me in yesterday and said that she had separated them as the girl was shouting at my DD and had taken some things from her, she said she was going to talk to the other mum and make them play apart, and that I should give my DD lots of extra cuddles.
My question is how do I support my DD? Should I distance myself from the other mum as we have become quite friendly, I feel really upset that I thought my daughter was exaggerating as shes normally quite confident and the other little girl appears sweet and quite, but according to teaching assistant she's been really unpleasant to my daughter, although she has experienced a bit of upheaval at home recently.

wow, I didn' t realise bunny boilers started so early.

It not your fault. Its hard being seperated from a twin and its nice to make friends. The other girl has some issues she needs to work on but its not a blame game.

Ah this is hard...but it IS quite common too. Please do not go down the line of thinking it s only your DD having a hard time socially....what I would advise is that you ask DD who else she likes and invite them over to play....also speak to the teaccher on Monday about helping DD to make more friends.

A good idea and one which my own DDs clever teacher did, is to tea the children circle games....she also made one child "games master" so that child was in charge of allocating parts or whatever forach game and this made the shyer kids ike my dd be forced to interact as the ther DC would be going up to them.

the circle games great fun because all the dc play together and learn new games...Farmer in the Dell and Oranges and Lemons etc...and to help DD manage herself, you can give her ways to get away from this other child sometimes....phrases like "Don't you shout at me! I am going to play with someone else." are good if they are spoken loudly....help DD to learn how to approach other DC...saying "Can I play too?" and "Would anyone like to play tag?" can be effective and simple....

Thanks, DD generally not shy and I know she has lots of friends but it's almost like she feels obligated to her "best friend" who is quite shy but obviously manipulative, I think I feel guilty because I really encouraged the friendship and now this other girl seems to be having some issues, the teaching assistant said the girl became hysterical when my DH tried to play with someone else

Sorry DD not DH

I did role playing with my ds when he was getting bossed and pushed about by a more outgoing friend with a strong personality. I'd suggest a scenario, Ds would say the kind of thing his friend would say and I'd suggest some answers or comebacks he could use.
I was totally shocked to find how quickly this worked and friend realized he couldn't be in charge and push Ds about, it was a brave step for Ds to take, but so worth it. They did remain friends and they graduated from high school last month and consider each other friends as part of a large group.

then the teacher needs to assist the other child in making more friends...she also needs to speak to the Mother...who needs to muck in too.

This is a really great opportunity to learn some very vital social skills.
The approach to solve it needs to be multi faceted. Firstly ask for the teacher's co-operation to have a general talk with the children about friendship- that part of being a good friend is treating people kindly with our words and listening to each other.

Follow that up with discussion with your child about friendship- choosing friends that make us feel happy and who listen to us. Use some books to promote discussion delightfulchildrensbooks.com/2010/10/04/friendship/

Californialeaving's suggestion of role play is an excellent idea. Use it as an opportunity to practice some responses to the the difficult situations she gets put in. For example maybe "You are a good friend Mary, but I want to play a different game for a while".

Add in some activities that your child might like that boosts her confidence- depending on what she is interested in: martial arts or drama classes work well for some.

California has made an excellent suggestion, along the lines of what I was going to say after reading the OP.

You need to give your dd the skills she needs to deal with bossy children, or any other child that wants her to do something she doesn't want to do. You have to actually tell her the words she needs to use and the a tons she has to take, like walking away, telling a teacher etc.

Personally, I don't think a school that separates reception children like that is doing the right thing. They should be teaching both girls what they need to do to avoid these situations or how to deal with them when they do happen.

I'm with california.

:) I hope your DD is feeling OK now.

Yes she was a bit happier today, she said she played with someone else the other girls mum sent her MIL to pick up other child with some snacks for my two, I know she feels bad about her DH behaviour, but I think she would prefer to brush under carpet

Gosh I feel terrible for the other little girl, she must be having a really difficult and lonely time to act like that (not that this justifies her behaviour of course and YAdNBU - I hope your DD is feeling happier now)

*NBU to get them to play separately - YABU to blame yourself!