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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think stbhx should be able to arrange his own childcare for 5 minutes?

25 replies

DoingItForMyself · 06/07/2012 08:55

Stbxh is having the DCs on Tues & weds eve, but he doesn't get home from work til 3.15 pm on Tues and school pick up is 3 - 3.10pm. I previously stated that when he can't be back in time for school that he will have to make arrangements to get the DCs collected by another parent.

He has just said "I will collect them from the house at 3.30" even though I have previously explained that on 'his' days I will be organising things for myself which I can't do with the DCs.

Should I really have to hang around just to collect them, bring them home and then palm them off on him 5 minutes later? AIBU to expect him to organise some help from a parent who lives near him (half the school walk past his house on the way home) or should he at least ask me if I would mind helping him by collecting them for him, rather than just stating that he is collecting them from here?

I'm so angry at him that I don't know what is reasonable anymore! I don't want to cause upset to the DCs but it seems stupid that my day is interrupted just to be the person who walks them home.

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 06/07/2012 08:59

YANBU.

He will have to start and finish work 15 minutes earlier on his days. Or make other arrangements.

You simply won't be there. You may have to take it to the brink though and tell the school the situation before he gets the message

I arranged to go away a few weeks ago. This had been in the diary for MONTHS. Not only had ex "forgotten" about it when I mentioned it the week before, he also asked me what he was going to do about the school pick ups. My answer: I have no idea. I will be away.

Good luck and I hope you get it sorted

wannabedomesticgoddess · 06/07/2012 09:05

Dont you know, they are doing US a favour having THEIR kids for two days. As we are their childminders its up to us to accommodate them...

It has taken me three years to get through to my ex that on his days he is totally responsible. Put your foot down. Inform the school. I know its awful to think of your kids just standing waiting on him if you arent there and hes made no arrangements, but maybe he needs a sharp shock!

Original poster
DoingItForMyself · 06/07/2012 09:15

That's the problem, I have always been there so he's never had this issue before. In fact, once I asked him & the DCs to come up with one nice thing to say about me (I was making some self-esteem boosting bracelets!!) and his was "you're always there". Suffice to say I didn't use that one Hmm

As a SAHM working PT my life has always revolved around the DCs. Its hard to switch off, so I don't want to inconvenience them but he needs to work on making some friends, so he has people to ask.

I always said to him that although its nice being able to meet up with friends for a coffee etc its also a totally necessary part of being a parent, to build up a network of people who are happy to do you a favour in these situations.

I have DC's friends round to play because its fun for them, but also because it means I have favours in hand when I need them. He will have to start doing some of this now won't he.

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HeadsShouldersKneesandToes · 06/07/2012 09:21

YANBU - you need to be firm and say that this is his problem.You could possibly point him at a list of local childminders, but that should be the limit of your involvement. For the first few weeks, arrange actual days in other cities so that he can't possibly impose on you.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 06/07/2012 10:11

Ask him what he would do if you had to work and asked him to inconvenience his day to pick them up.

After putting my foot down a lot my ex is finally beginning to step up and realise that even though he only has her two days hes her parent all the time.

As you say, you have always been there and now he expects it as a norm. But actually, as a parent he should have to rearrange work around them. After all thats just part of being a parent!

wishiwasonholiday · 06/07/2012 10:14

Yanbu, Make sure you stick to it though, could you introduce him to anyone though who could help? Maybe he's worried about asking someone he doesn't know?

Krumbum · 06/07/2012 10:22

Grrr this makes me so angry! He feels he should have them at his time and convenience. Why does he see dc as your responsibility and he can have them for playtime when he chooses! That is not being a parent. I know a lot of 'dads' like this who don't see their own children as their responsibility. He should be making effort to have them and if he can't when he is planned to then he needs to find childcare. You are not his babysitter! Imagine if you tried to get him to do this, laughable isn't it? he would say you are completely unreasonable!

GnocchiNineDoors · 06/07/2012 10:26

His day = his responsibility.

I wouldnt go and get them. Horrible as that sounds. I would tell him that as it s his day he needs to either be there or make his own arrangements for their collection.

Id be sitting on my hands at pickup time trying to not cave though Grin

DozyDuck · 06/07/2012 11:25

It's annoying. But I would do pick up and just moan about it because I wouldn't want my kid to suffer. This bugs me with DSs dad if he's going on holiday. He tells me he's going rather than asking me if those dates are convenient. He wouldn't like it if I did that!

So I started just saying, I'll check my diary when I get home to see if I can help YOU Smile (the answers still always yes but I feel like I'm starting to get through to him slowly)

DozyDuck · 06/07/2012 11:26

Next time when he 'tells' you something like this just say 'oh dear, I'll check my diary and see if I can move things around a bit so I can help you' then leave him hanging for a while. Obviously you do not want to inconvenience your children but you also need to hammer home the point that they aren't just your children and he needs to accept responsibility too.

wfhmumoftwo · 06/07/2012 11:37

Maybe you need to say to him, you can't pick them up from the house as i wont be there, i'm going out that day. (even if you are not)
I do agree that on his days its his responsibility, however, IF you are at home anyway and picking them up is not such a big deal, i'd probably still do it, but he should be grateful and recognise that you are helping him out, rather than just expecting it. He should at least ask if you are able to help out and pick them up sometimes

ciderpenguin · 06/07/2012 11:37

My head says leave him to it but I know from (bitter) experience that I'd end up saying ok because a) I wouldn't want to upset the kids b) I might want the favour returned from him in the next week or so but mainly c) I am a wimpish doormat

RedHelenB · 06/07/2012 12:00

If you're not working & he is I think you are being a bit unreasonable - sorry!!!

Original poster
DoingItForMyself · 06/07/2012 12:03

I work part time Red, but I will be able to put in more hours on the days I don't have the DCs here so that I am free to spend time with them when they are.

I have also been SAHM and p/t worker at the mercy of his shifts (& him working away from home for 10 months) so I feel that I have done my accommodating bit. His shifts have messed up family life for years and now they are still screwing with the DCs access. Fair enough, but why should they also still me messing with my working/social life?!

OP posts:
Dahlen · 06/07/2012 12:11

YANBU. Don't do it. Suggest he uses the after school club or something.

If the worst comes to the worst, it won't kill your DC to wait for 10 minutes. There are far worse places they could be waiting for an adult to arrive.

If you give in to this, he will never see himself as anything more than a glorified babysitter rather than a father.

RedHelenB · 06/07/2012 12:15

How old are the children?

Original poster
DoingItForMyself · 06/07/2012 12:18

Agree Dahlen, that's what I thought - if he's running late a quick phone call to the school to say "I'm running late" is what I'd have to do if I were trying to get back in time for them.

In fairness, pick up for the youngest is 3 - 3.10 and for the older one 3.10 - 3.15, so if he parked at school he would most likely be there in time. I'm just his back-up plan as always, so its easier to just get me to do it in the first place than take any responsibility.

I sent him a message after he said "I will collect them from the house" saying "I think you'll find the phrase you're looking for is Please could you help me out by collecting them for me" but I haven't heard back from him. If he doesn't respond over the weekend I will say "I presume that, as you haven't asked if I'm available to collect them, that you have made other arrangements"

OP posts:
Original poster
DoingItForMyself · 06/07/2012 12:19

Little ones are 5 & 7 Red, there's an older one who will make his own way home and meet them at their dad's house.

OP posts:
Dahlen · 06/07/2012 12:21

I wouldn't even enter into the conversation TBH. I'd just text to say "I'm sorry, but I already have plans and can't help you. You'll need to contact the school if you're going to be late. Hope you sort something out." It's polite, to the point, and doesn't leave room for negotiation.

Original poster
DoingItForMyself · 06/07/2012 12:27

Thing is, at the moment I don't have any other plans that couldn't be moved around, its just his attitude that has pissed me off. If he had asked if I could collect them it would be one thing, but to be told that I am collecting them, only to give them a snack and wave them off again 10 mins later is just so rude.

As with most things, I just want him to show some consideration, but then I suppose if he were capable of realising that the world doesn't revolve around him we might not be separated!

OP posts:
whenwilltherainstop · 06/07/2012 12:34

Tell him you have plans that can't be changed and he must collect them from school.

Dahlen · 06/07/2012 12:36

It doesn't matter if you have plans or not. Whether you do or don't is not his business and not the point. It's his access times so his responsibility.

If you can survive without your Xs maintenance, it doesn't absolve him of paying any, since the responsibility is his regardless. It's the same principle here.

mollythetortoise · 06/07/2012 12:49

is there an afterschool club at your school? he could book them in there for 20 mins or so - he would have to arrange / pay for. Then he can collect from there.
Alot of children like afterschhol club - mine do - so maybe won;t mind going there for a short while until dad can collect

Dahlen · 06/07/2012 12:55

As with most things, I just want him to show some consideration, but then I suppose if he were capable of realising that the world doesn't revolve around him we might not be separated!

Ain't that the truth! If you could change him, he would have changed while you were together. You have to accept that he is what he is and deal with him accordingly. You can't make him step up to the mark because it's the right thing to do. All you can do is decide what you will and won't put up with and stick to it.

Original poster
DoingItForMyself · 06/07/2012 13:10

Thanks Molly, I will suggest that for next time. Might be a bit 'overkill' for the sake of 10 mins but for any later pick ups I will put that idea out there.

He was also suggesting having them on Saturday night, but he gets home after 8pm on Sat! I said no, that they should stay here on Sat night and he can get them first thing Sunday for the day, as he's promised them a cooked brekky. I stood my ground on that one, so I will have to be assertive here too.

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