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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my gut instinct is right about this?

31 replies

lovelyteaparty · 05/07/2012 20:30

Long, but I wanted to give as much info as possible...

Based on the information below, aibu in thinking slightly bonkers and bossy SIL is casting my my dh to be her daughter's substitute father rather than uncle?

SIL is quite a bit older than dh. She married a husband much older than her and divorced him some time ago.He is no longer on the scene.

She has two children, both grown up, both have had more failures/difficulties than successes in their lives up til now - e.g. a number of failed relationships, trouble with the police etc.

However, the daughter, now in her 30s, has turned her life around. While coping with two young children (after her marriage to the father of the youngest child ended), she did a degree and achieved a very good result, and now has excellent career prospects. We all happened to be on holiday somewhere with very difficult communication when this happened and found out when we got home.

Cue very arsey phone call 2 days after our return from SIL (dh was out), demanding to know why "no-one had contacted DN to congratulate her". This follows a call dh had made to SIL where he'd said he would phone DN (and then didn't immediately, but he was very busy sorting out our dd's new home that weekend, and he's fairly crap at making promises like this which he then forgets about).

SIL was equally arsey when DN got married a few years ago - it was abroad, an expensively long way away, and we decided it was too much time/money to all go. DN had asked dh to give her away, and we thought about dh going alone, but we don't get many holidays (plus the expense) so we decided against it. SIL made it very clear she was NOT happy about this.

Finally, SIL has now asked dh to dn's graduation ceremony and meal afterwards. DN is allowed 2 relatives there, and her brother can't make it. I would've thought she'd want her eldest son to go (he's a teenager), but apparently dh is invited instead.

I have no issue with dh going, but I did also just say to him he needs to guard against SIL and possibly DN treating him as a substitute father as time goes on, especially as SIL gets older.

He doesn't agree and thinks I'm being paranoid - am I?

OP posts:
doggiemumma · 05/07/2012 20:35

Yes, and a bit selfish

fairyfriend · 05/07/2012 20:40

When I was getting married my dad was very ill. I thought he wasn't going to make it at one point. If he hadn't, I wanted my uncle to give me away. I'd have been doubly heart broken if he'd refused.

Most uncles would be honoured to have such a special position in their niece's life. You sound a bit odd.

KazzaRazza · 05/07/2012 20:40

Agree with Doggie.

She's not looking for a substitute father, he's their uncle.

cureall · 05/07/2012 20:41

Hmmm - if DN is in her 30's she hardly needs a substitute father figure... Maybe (obviously) SIL is aware of lack of older male influences in DNs life and is giving your DH every opportunity to act in that fatherly capacity. Certainly it's best and easiest to take all the invites as a compliment. And if it's not getting in the way of your relationship with DH then there's no issue is there?

All the arsiness must be wearing but she sounds a straightforward person so at least you know where you stand. And if she and your DH are close, maybe she thinks he'd appreciate the graduation invite and be proud of DN and glad to share the day with her.

mynewpassion · 05/07/2012 20:44

I don't know why you would say that he needs to guard himself. She is his niece and he has been likely the best and most positive male role model in her life. As such, respect him very much to even ask him to give her away at her wedding. DN doesn't need her mother to decide for her to invite. She can make her own decisions.

I would be proud of your DH that he has enough capacity to give his time and love to his niece even with a family of his own.

Huffles · 05/07/2012 20:46

Are your DH DN close? The reason I ask is - my dd1 is 4 (I know a bit of a gap compared to your DH DN being 30) but she is very close to one of my DBs. Much much closer than her own biological father who has seen her a record 4 times since she's been born. I love the fact that my DB and DD1 are very close and I hope they continue to be. I in no way expect my DB to be a father figure to my DD1 (he has a DS of his own) but I love the fact that there is such a bond there. In years to come (if DD1 and DB are still as close) I could totally understand in years to come if she wanted him to be part of the important stages in her life.

olimpia · 05/07/2012 20:49

Your SIL and your DN clearly love your DH and want him to be a part of their lives. What's wrong with that? You sound a bit off IMO.

LaLaGabby · 05/07/2012 20:52

Yes, and a bit selfish.

IAWTC. I hope you didn't pressurize your DH into not going to the wedding and giving her away. It's a big deal to ask someone to give you away and an even bigger deal to say no.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 05/07/2012 20:52

I'm sorry but I can't get past the part where your DH refused to give her away at her wedding.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 05/07/2012 20:53

X post with LaLa!

EverybodysDoeEyed · 05/07/2012 20:54

I think you're being weird - she is his niece.

It's lovely to have a close family

carlywurly · 05/07/2012 20:58

I think you sound slightly bonkers and quite mean with it, I'm afraid. She's tried to include your DH in some of her DD's most special events, that's an honour, not a threat. He's her uncle, not her father, I don't get how you're reading so much into it.

Try and have a bit of empathy, I can't see what she's done wrong here. She's obviously very proud, and wants the family to share in this. I really hope your DH goes and supports her.

chinam · 05/07/2012 20:58

Agree that YABU and selfish. My uncle gave me away, and he also travelled abroad to give my sister away. We don't think of him as a replacement for our lovely Dad, but he is a good man who we were proud to have stand in on our big days.

goodasgold · 05/07/2012 20:59

Being a substitute father to a woman in her 30s with good career prospects sounds like an honour to me. It's not like he has to take her swimming every Sunday is it?

What are you frightened of?

Original poster
lovelyteaparty · 05/07/2012 21:06

The wedding was half way around the world - it was dh's decision not to gp. Tbh it was blindingly obvious too that the marriage wouldn't last, and indeed it ended within the year.

Thanks for the comments though ... There's a lot more history to this, but I do accept it's an honour for him to be asked to these events. He doesn't know if he's working on the graduation day, and it's quite some distance away. I don't care if he goes o'r not..entirely up to him.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 05/07/2012 21:09

Yes you do care or you would not tell him to be on his guard. He's right in saying that your are paranoid.

Yes, his decision not to go but wonder what your role was in "helping" him make that decision in light of your "guard" comments.

LaurieFairyCake · 05/07/2012 21:10

It cones across that you care very much and I'm not sure why Confused

She's 30, she doesn't need much. Have a think about what the problem is.

goodasgold · 05/07/2012 21:10

I don't understand why you have warned him to be on his guard.

If somebody invited me to attend one of these events I would go.

doggiemumma · 05/07/2012 21:11

Yeah, it really shows that you don't care - you are blatantly jealous. A graduation is a huge deal, she has worked hard and wants the people she loves there. I totally understand why she wants your DH and not her teenage brother. I can understand why you couldn't afford for him to give her away but im sure that he could have come to some financial arrangement. You don't sound like you like your niece very much and i have the feeling its very much a case of the the green eyed monster

WenTheEternallySurprised · 05/07/2012 21:11

Even if he's booked to work isn't his neice's hard-earned graduation day worth taking a day off for if at all possible? Confused

DoMeDon · 05/07/2012 21:15

I would care if he went. I would want him to go. What on earth is going on here? It all sounds very mean spirited.

TheSpokenNerd · 05/07/2012 21:15

You DO sound a bit bonkers BUT I do understand about his not going alone to the wedding abroad...we wouldn't do that either as we can't afford thiings like that.

Original poster
lovelyteaparty · 05/07/2012 21:16

It's dn's teenage son, not her brother I was referring to. It's up to dh to decide if he can take time off work, and I know he's short of leave and very busy. This isn't about the one event, but the bigger picture - but as it's unanimously iabu, fair enough!

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 05/07/2012 21:19

The bigger picture sounds like a troubled niece turned her life around and is looking to share her success with her uncle. Also that a sister wants her brother involved in her DC's and DGC's lives Confused All this cloak and dagger 'there's more to it' sounds iffy OP.

mynewpassion · 05/07/2012 21:20

I was waiting for drip feed. Thank god we are spared.

Thanks for accepting graciously that your are being unreasonable and please, don't be a barrier to his relationship with his niece.

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