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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sick of being treated like a 'mug'

34 replies

alphabite · 05/07/2012 13:16

I am so tired of 'friends' treating me like an absolute mug. I know it is my own fault as I have allowed them to do so in the past (possibly the present) but it is seriously p1ssing me off now. I would do anything for anyone but it gets to the point when they should realise they are expecting a lot more from me then I would hope for from others.

This weeks example is visiting a friend on Sunday as she'd asked me to mock interview her. Spent a few hours helping her. She had interview yesterday and she text me and said 'ring me so I can tell you how it went'. Felt like texting back 'ring me for once!'

I do proofreading of essays and job applications for friends and it is very time consuming.

I taxi carless friends around when they need it.

I recently looked after my friends three cats while she was away with work (a week) and they p1ssed everywhere so it was constant cleaning. She wants me to now have the cats as are too much for her current circumstances. I hate cats and only fed and watered them as a favour. I certainly don't want the buggers. I have only seen her once since she returned (mid June) and she only lives around the corner. Nice to have a thank you for looking after someones pets for a week I think. She also thought nothing of texting me a few times in the week to ask for additional favours...posting a parcel she'd forgotten etc (sounds easy but means finding parking in town, paying a quid to park, paying £9 postage which I'll never get back etc).

I am tired of not even getting a thank you for anything I do. AIBU. I feel like cutting off the lot of them but I don't have masses of friends and would be very much alone if I did!

OP posts:
Original poster
alphabite · 05/07/2012 13:16

Those are just examples of things I regularly do. There is a lot more too.

OP posts:
Tortington · 05/07/2012 13:17

stop doing it.

Inertia · 05/07/2012 13:20

You don't have to cut them off, but you can say no to being their unpaid slave.

Obviously don't take on the cats. Tell friend that she will need to arrange to rehome them.

You can text friends back and say "sorry, can't talk now, will be free at 8pm if you want to call me then".

tryingtonotfeckup · 05/07/2012 13:21

Just read it back, you know what you have to do and you know what everyone is going to say.

It sounds like it is all one way, just stop doing the favours, say no to the cats and see what happens. You don't have to cut them out, just stop doing them favours, if they don't want to see you then, then they weren't real friends. Get out and make some new friends whatever happens.

FFSIvehadenoughofthisnow · 05/07/2012 13:21

These people are not friends, they are using you and taking advantage of your kind nature.

Start saying no, and see which ones are still your friends in 6 months time.

YANBU.

Iggly · 05/07/2012 13:21

Yes stop doing it.

Cats?! They want you to take them? Say no thanks.

Someone wants you to post a parcel? No, you can't do it because you're busy. Tell them it's easy enough, the post office is ----> that way.

Just learn how to say no.

sixlostmonkeys · 05/07/2012 13:22

smile and say - oh I'd love to help but I don't want to (phoebe from Friends)
or just say no
or bombard 'them' with favours

ChitChatFlyingby · 05/07/2012 13:23

I predict that you are suddenly going to become very busy and unavailable for these 'friends'!!! Actually, time for asking for a few favours back, and then see which ones are the true friends.

StealthPolarBear · 05/07/2012 13:23

Yes you need to stand up for yourself, do you ever say no you can't do it, and if not, why not?

Original poster
alphabite · 05/07/2012 13:28

Thanks everyone. I know you are right. I would hate to be someone who would never do anything for anyone else but maybe I need to cut back a bit.

At the moment I never really say no.

OP posts:
MothershipG · 05/07/2012 13:29

What's the MN mantra?

All together now...

"No" is a complete sentence
"No" is a complete sentence
"No" is a complete sentence

But if (like me) you could never bring yourself to be that blunt then just "Sorry, I can't manage that," "sorry, that's just really inconvenient for me," etc. have a few you've practiced in your head so they are ready when you need them.

AMumInScotland · 05/07/2012 13:30

You say "they should realise" - but people don't! They either think you are happy to do these things, or they don't think about it at all. Or they think you're a mug.

The thing to do is to make them realise that it isn't convenient - which you do by saying, in a polite and friendly way, "No, that doesn't work for me", or "That postage was £9, I'll let you off the £1 for the parking though", or "No, I don't want to have cats fulltime, you'll have to find another solution"

They can't walk all over you if you don't lie down and take it Grin

Original poster
alphabite · 05/07/2012 13:33

Thanks now what should I text friend about the cats?

OP posts:
kotinka · 05/07/2012 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
alphabite · 05/07/2012 13:35

Glad it's not just me Kotinka (and thank you!)

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 05/07/2012 13:35

You need to see that it isn't a question of either being a complete doormat or being a selfish person who never helps anyone out. There are many shades between the two, and you need to adjust your thinking. You don't want to be selfish, but that doesn't need to mean you do everything for everyone. You just need to assess requests and weight them up - if someone you care about badly needs your help, then of course you do it if you can. But if someone you're not that close to wants yet another favour, then default to "No" and work from there.

StealthPolarBear · 05/07/2012 13:36

Has she asked you directly? I find that odd. I tend to think if people want cats, they'll get cats. You've fed them a couple of tomes while she's away and now she wants you to adopt them?

If you do need to respond "while I was happy to look after them short term as a favour to you, I don't actually want cats of my own, thanks thpugh"

madonnawhore · 05/07/2012 13:36

Just tell her you don't want the cats!

If she wants rid of them she can put a bloody ad on Gumtree or something.

They're not your problem.

Original poster
alphabite · 05/07/2012 13:37

Thanks Scotland. Fair points.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 05/07/2012 13:38

Just text her "No, I don't actually like cats and only looked after them while you were away as a favour. You'll need to find another solution"

Iggly · 05/07/2012 13:39

A good friend isn't one who says yes all the time. A good friend isn't someone who is walked all over.

Just say you can't look after the cats - you're not a cat person.

Original poster
alphabite · 05/07/2012 13:39

PolarBear she made the BIGGEST hint in the world! Very clear. Said she needed to rehome them and hoped she'd find someone with x circumstances (basically mine!)

I have looked after them about 10 times while she's been away on holiday or with work.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 05/07/2012 13:41

Her big hints are not your problem. Unless she asks, just ignore. Or next time she talks about them, sympathise "oh yes, I'd never get cats, they're so binding"
Why is she getting rid of them?

AMumInScotland · 05/07/2012 13:48

Oh, hints! Just ignore them Grin If she keeps on about it, say "Good luck with that, personally I can't abide cats"

Original poster
alphabite · 05/07/2012 13:49

I think she wants to get rid of them because of them weeing everywhere but is saying it is other reasons.

OP posts:
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