..to think that one of my closest friends is actually pretty toxic (and what to do about it)

[loverofwine]

I have known someone for 5+ years. Our kids are close and we have spent a certain amount of time together. However since her DS didn't get into the first choice school my DS (who has siblings there) did a year ago she's been really undermining and critical of me and my choices. Her DS is now in a very lovely school which she appears happy with.

Whenever the school is mentioned she is mega critical to such an extent that I feel like she is criticising me and my choices. However it is not just about the school. Just about any topic elicits problems. She had trouble conceiving and paid for IVF so I am not 'allowed' to acknowledge that mine is the opposite problem etc. etc. She is also very indiscreet and shares intimate details of a friends IVF cycle/marital problems etc. with all of us which makes me believe that anything I have ever said in confidence is relayed to everyone in a similar manner. I am sure she is a good person but have come to the conclusion that this 'friendship' is not for me but don't know how to end it. We're part of a wider, looser circle of friends so any major showdown would cause problems here.

AIBU to want to do something and if I'm not what to do..... (NB not sure if this is an AIBU but wasn't sure where to put it)

Why does there need to be a showdown?

Just gradually stop spending time with her and certainly don't tell her any confidences!

Can't you stay friends, but much more casually, ie, don't tell her anything confidential and don't engage when she's running down the school etc?

I suppose what I'm saying is downgrade her to 'acquaintance' rather than 'friend', while still allowing the kids to be friends.

Just ease back on seeing her - if she's there as part of a wider circle you don't need to avoid her, but don't head straight over to sit/stand beside her and chat. Just downgrade her in your own mind to "acquaintance" rather than "friend" and don't seek her out.

And, whatever happens, don't tell her anything you don't want broadcast! You know what she's like, so don't give her anything to spread around.

Just cool it with her. I had a friend who was obsessive, she started copying things I did, clothes I wore, etc etc. I found it stressful and upsetting. So I just gradually made less and less contact and eventually she got the message. I'm still polite to her though. She got in touch when I had my last baby, but I didn't bite, I just thanked her politely for the card she sent and didn't make note of the mobile number she popped inside!

And honestly, I haven't missed her one bit!

I agree, just cool back. Keep some general topics of conversation ready, make some small talk to fill up the time when you do talk to her, and only ever half listen to what she says.

Works for me :)

If your kids are at different schools then naturally the friendship will change as you will be at different places all the time. That is an easy way just to back off, don't initiate coffee / drinks etc and see her if you have to in a group but not on your own. Over a couple of years you will never see her anyway.

Wise woman of mumsnet I will put away my thoughts of a showdown and just fade gracefully into her sunset. Thank you