to feel jealous of friends who breeze through newborn days?

[ShushBaby]

After I had my daughter (now 2), I was lucky enough not to suffer from PND, and to really enjoy her and feel truly happy. Our baby was pretty easy too, all things considered. BUT physically I was a huge mess- anaemic, spaced out, knackered to the point of hallucinating. And mentally/emotionally I found it all a massive headfuck. Amazing but a headfuck. The upshot of this was that I barely did anything but look after the baby for a good few months, went to bed at 8pm most nights, and me and my partner didn't go out for months. I was happy but found it all very... intense.

I was the first of my friends to have a baby, so as far as I was concerned, that was normal. Since then, though, a few friends have had babies, and I've been amazed at a) how good they look b) how calm they are c) how much they manage to do, with a newborn. One friend had a c-section three weeks ago and was out with friends on Friday night looking fantastic (I thought the pics on Facebook must have been taken when they were 19!), enjoying herself etc. Yes she went home at 10.30pm, but still. The next day we visited and she and her partner were the model of serenity. She said that she had a 'rough patch'about 3-4 days in but since then, things have got so much easier. Whereas I felt I'd been hit by a truck for several weeks! They were really touched that we'd brough them lunch and some food for the freezer, but seemed a little bemused, as if they weren't quite sure what we had brought it for. Whereas for us, when people brought food round, we practically snogged them.

Another friend is a freelance arty type and has been managing to do lots of great creative work since her baby was about two months old. She looks slim and fabulous and is always out and about.

I really want to feel happy for them, and of course I'm encouraging and positive out loud. But inside I feel quite jealous and, well, not that happy for them to be perfectly honest. It's like I want them to find it all totally overwhelming too, so I know that I was normal. If one of them texts and says she is finding it all quite hard going, a part of me feels relieved.

Not very warm-spirited, eh? And a bit unreasonable.

Are you sure your own degree of overwhelmedness showed on the outside? Ime the people who look the most serene on the outside often have no idea of the fact; they think their outside reflects the mess that is inside.

Not very warm spirited but entirely human and I totally empathise. My friend made us a 3 course lunch when her DS was 3 weeks old. I was incredulous, as at that stage I was sleep deprived and spent large chunks of each day crying. My second was a far easier baby, and I was still a PJ wearing wreck for weeks. So I join you in your envy.

I too think you probably looked calmer than you felt. But I also found it overwhelming, and remember thinking that my BIL and SIL were coping better with twins than I did with one. I was hugely intimidated by everyone other people who seemed to be managing better than me.

Also think that some people have babies that sleep. That would have made all the difference. Perhaps that is the case for your friends?

After I had DD1, my house was (relatively) tidy for visitors, I had clean hair and make up on every day, I went out and about to baby groups, posted on FB gushing about how lucky I was to have a healthy happy baby.

I had massive PND. I cried every day. Only my DH and my DM knew.

Honestly, don't believe all you see

YABU. But so am I. I feel the same way but I manage to disguise my feelings in RL (I hope!). I think Cory might have a point though. With the exception of my ante-natal friends (and even them not fully) I wouldn't have described to my friends exactly how hard I found the early days as it was too much to put into words and I felt crap about it. It's only now, a few years on and another baby down the line, that I could really tell people how difficult it was.

I found the newborn days with DD relatively easy....

but before you get I found the toddler years absolutely hellish and rarely left the house with DD except to go to the park. She had awful tantrums, and was really hard work, and this was compounded by the glandular fever I got when she was 18 months old.

Other mum's I know had a really easy time with their 1st child, but had an awful time with their 2nd, or vice versa.

All pregnancies / birth and recoveries are different and all children are different. You may have a really easy time with your next one

Oh zebraleg your post made me well up. That's really sad- I hope you are better now?

I probably did look calmer than I felt. And I didn't let myself go to rack and ruin- but for example, I seemed to never manage to dry my hair (that old cliche!), let alone straighten it into glossy perfection as my friends with babies do now. I was extremely happy and am grateful for that. But I totally thought that disengaging from my old life for a long time was a really normal thing to do. I'm amazed and yes, intimidated, that people seem able to pick up where they left off, but with baby in tow.

And yes I think sleep is a big thing. Mine was probably completely average- ie often shit!- on that front. But that's one of the things that makes me feel insecure- people going on about how well their babies sleep and how 'good' they are. It makes me feel all defensive about my baby (now child). She may not have slept for ten hour stretches but she was bloody lovely. But people place so much emphasis on it, and on ticking boxes of 'doing well' in general. At the time I didn't care about ticking those boxes, but now with number 2 on the way I feel more anxious to be appear to be 'doing well'.

I too think a lot depends on your baby and if they sleep

All 3 of mine have been great sleepers, and though I won't blow my trumpet and say I look fabulous etc, I do have time to put a bit of a face on and do my hair.

DS is 9 weeks old and 7 weeks ago I did a fun run with him strapped to my chest

BUT I still have stressy moments - just today I burst into tears in asda car park when DHs camper van broke down on me! That's not like me, normally I'd just get under the bonnet and poke random things have a little look!! Today I phoned DH and sobbed down the phone to him!!

Looks can be very deceptive op, honestly, and I don't think YABU no, it's human nature isn't it, but remember that as well as things may appear to be - I'm sure your friends have had their stressy times too

I found the great advantage of having number two was that you had to give up on that whole idea of getting the whole thing right- because you were always juggling and never succeeding in getting it perfectly right for both children at the same time. Have to admit I found that hugely liberating. And two children are bound to be two different experiences anyway, so you get a better idea of how wide the parameters are.

I love newborns and can get stuff done with them. Toddlers however I just fall to pieces.

Don't fret, all parents find different aspects of raising children difficult, don't beat yourself up over what you found difficult, just enjoy your DD.

I bet you will find the newborn thing easier the second time round. For me, the second pg was hell on earth, but the adjustments I made to my life after having dc 1 helped enormously with the actual arrival of dc2.

None of it comes as a shock the second time, and in some ways it makes you realise that, compared to a toddler, a newborn is actually easy. They don't move from place to place strewing destruction in their wake! They don't throw their dinner at you! They don't tantrum in the supermarket! They just lie there and eat.

You will feel experienced, in control and in awe of your supermum capabilities. I guarantee it

Thank you ShushBaby yes fortunately I recovered and I think it actually made me a better person in the end. I have a lovely DD2 now and although I was very anxious in the build up to her birth, I can honestly say I have none of the old feelings.

All the best of luck with number two, you think you can't love another as much as you love PFB but it's wonderful when DC2 comes!

As for the sleep thing, I know what you mean about feeling defensive. My SIL said to me that her baby slept because she fed him a lot in the day and made sure he had his naps.

That was where I was going wrong, I obviously starved my baby and kept him awake all day.....

YAB a bit U, but totally understandably so. It is possible behind closed doors all is not as it seems. When I had dd1 she was honestly a nightmare (colic) never slept unless she was being held, always always crying. I hardly slept for the first 6 months and the house was like a shithole! But I was so happy, we'd waited to conceive her for over 4 years. DH and I were in a fantastic place relationship wise, DSD adored her and was at an age were she could help properly.

When I had dd2 she was the easiest baby in the world. Slept through the night from day 1, never cried, always gurgling, always happy. I should have been in heaven, and on the outside I probably looked like I was. The house was immaculate, I was getting proper sleep, I was out and about with her 2 days after she was born. But, DH was depressed, he'd just lost his job, dd2 wasn't planned and it took DH quite a while to bond with her. Our relationship was hanging by a thread. DD1 was 3.5 and a nightmare behaviour wise. She still wasn't fully potty trained and was starting nursery. She would throw massive tantrums that lasted hours, (we now know she has ASD), was completely socially inappropriate with other children. DSD was 14 and totally rebelling, staying out all night not letting us know where she was. The landlord insisted on having workman come in and work on the house when dd2 was 3 days old, this lasted 4 weeks. And MIL was rushed to hospital when dd2 was a week old, and was in for the next year. I got terrible PND, and was on ADs for 3 years.

I had a friend who was glam and serene and calm after her ds1 was born - about 2 days after my DD was born. My DD had colic, and didnt sleep, I had mastitis - I was wretched.

3 years later, when I had DS1, I admitted that I was finding things very hard going....she confessed that she has suffered terrible PND with her first child and had spent days crying in bed and then smiling all happy whenever she saw anyone. Coming out to meet the girls was a huge chore that she could barely face, but as soon as she was with us, she would act as though she was fine

Oh, people used to comment on how calm, sorted and serene I was when I had dc1. I may have looked like that on the outside but inside I was absolutely exhausted. Which i regularly pointed out. People seemed really surprised at that. So I wouldn't be too certain that all is as it appears to be.

I'm always amazed at how happy I look in photos from when DS was tiny. I've never felt more miserable in my life as I did then.

I think you should take the 'our baby is a breeeeeze' act with a pinch of salt. All babies are hard work (they just are) but perhaps if you think it is going to be more difficult than it turns out to be, it gives you a different perspective. I found the newborn stage quite hard, but am loving the toddler stage as we have bonded so much more! (still bloody hard word though, little tinker!) :)

Don't be jealous , you don't know what the future may hold,

I breezed through the baby stage, now at the toddler stage....good grief.

I am the same as many other posters. Pregnancy, labour and the first 6months. Easy peasy. No problems there at all. Where I struggle is the 12month to 3yr age. I hate it. I am in the middle of it and if I could run away I would. Yet I see other parents who love the toddler age and seem so good at it.
We're all different OP.

I was the model of serenity of which you speak. DD was an amazing sleeper, and DP was off work for the first three months after her birth. I couldn't breastfeed so he did half the night feeds. The result was that I got more sleep than I did when I was working. It was great. I went out, put on a big event when she was six weeks old, travelled, thought the whole thing was a doddle.

However. A year later and she is either up all night with teething, or a cold, or a bug. She is walking, emptying all my cupboards and throwing tantrums. The house is a mess and I don't get a moment to myself and I am so tired. It's peaks and troughs, innit. And right now you and I are both in troughs but we WILL come back up!

Well this thread has made me rethink things a bit. I didn't realise anyone avoided the crying in pyjamas stage. I just assumed it was obligatory.

Hmm.

TryDrawing I haven't avoided the crying in pyjamas stage, it just came 18months after the birth.

This thread is one of the most interesting and edumacational I've read in a while.

I have a 6mo good sleeper and have straightened hair every day. I cry every day and drink too much cos I am a failed bfer.

YAB a bit U, but don't worry about it. . ...and sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it will all get worse, a lot worse, all the other Mums DC's will sleep through the night, eat their greens, be toilet trained at 1, have impeccable manners, get 14 A* GCSE's and go to Cambridge, they will do this while their perfect, cheerful Mothers maintain spotless beautiful homes and look fantastic.

'amazing but a headfuck'. What a great description. That would hades even a perfect description of how I felt too.
Good luck and make sure you enjoy the enjoyable bits.