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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I couldnt care less

18 replies

mummy349 · 03/07/2012 22:43

I have recently split with ds father and am fed up already!
he has only seen ds for half an hour (we split up a week ago) as he had to leave to meet hes friend
No mention of helping financially with ds
didnt even seem like he has missed ds in the slightest.

now this man is suffering from depression, which I do have sympathy with, but when I say that me and ds have eaten dry pasta for 2 days coz we have no food left and he says well I havnt eaten anything since 4 days ago coz my mum didnt cook me dinner! AIBU to think u fucking arse!!!
I guess im just feeling resentful as I have been looking after ds all by myself this week, hes dropped me in the shit financially (i am SAHM, he is working full time) so now I dont know what to do, ive been hunting for a job but havnt found anything yet and he hasnt even offered.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy349 · 03/07/2012 22:43

When I say I couldnt care less, I mean that he hasnt eaten coz hes mummy did not cook!

OP posts:
pinkpyjamas · 03/07/2012 22:46

Does his mother know that her grandchild is going without because his father has not provided for him?

TheHappyHissy · 03/07/2012 22:49

Have you applied for benefits love? If you explain, they might be able to give you a crisis loan? Call the CSA too....

Poor you! (((hug))) that bloke is a total twat.

Kerryblue · 03/07/2012 22:49

Why are you eating 'dry' pasta?

Can you not cook it?

Confused
squeakytoy · 03/07/2012 22:51

I would go round to his mother and tell her that you and her grandchild have no food.

humptyhump · 03/07/2012 22:51

i would apply for benefits and an emergency loan....i know being on benefits is a bit of a stigma but it will tide you over untill you are able to find a job

Original poster
mummy349 · 03/07/2012 22:52

Kerryblue I mean just plain pasta

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 03/07/2012 22:54

ah, now having looked at your other recent threads, I do think there is a fair bit of vital info missing on what you have posted tonight..

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/1504547-I-think-my-partner-is-going-to-be-sectioned

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 03/07/2012 22:54

I think it is a crappy situation for you and his attitude is inexcusable but sadly I think it is the norm for some exps.

Im pretty sure his self pitty wil dwindle out and he will step up.

but I also think in my experience from own seperation and in what i have witnessed in my dbros recent seperation, that it will only happen if you tell him frankly how it is and what effect he is having on his son.

he will of copurse play the poor me card and you are being too harsh as this is hard for him, yawn yawn..but hang on in there and be the stronger person and dont give a shit if that means telling him him how it is and he is being a selfish arse (put more kindly of course) through not giving a shit about him but giving a shit about his ds.

Im sorry you are going through this.

Kerryblue · 03/07/2012 22:55

Oh I see. Why don't you add a tin of beans to it, and a can of tuna? Much more tasty.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 03/07/2012 22:59

ah xpost squeeky.

I think then you need to be talking with his mother and seeking her support also.

I probably wrongly thought you ment depression as in a reaction to the seperation and not seriouse at all, that was probably wrong of me.

you need to attempt to maintain contact with him regarding your ds and have some seriouse talk with his dm about the seriuosness of your situation if he is unable to see it or aknowledge it.

Original poster
mummy349 · 03/07/2012 23:45

I have tried to get support through hes mother, but she is more concerned in him, I do get that altho she didnt seem to give a crap that me and ds r going without in her words she said 'its not about u,ur hungry I get it, why should he have to feed u'
she got the same treatment of her ex so she isnt going to be of much use.
Im just sick of hes MH problems and me having to pick up the pieces around it, even if we split I still have to do this.
I just hate that even tho its hes problems im the one being punished if u swim? I have to look after ds by myself, never get a break, support him all by myself, while he gets to meet hes friends, and have hes mummy cook, clean and do everything for him.

I did nothing wrong so why does he get the easy way out while im left here? AIBU to be really upset by this situation?

OP posts:
humptyhump · 04/07/2012 07:49

YANBU but if you have tried talking to him and his mother and they still do not give a fuck care then its time to forget about them and concentrate on yourself and your child. depression is a terrible thing for anybody to go through but at least he has the time and money and support to battle it where as you are left with nothing,
do you have any family that can support you, even if its just an hour or two when you really need that break

humptyhump · 04/07/2012 07:57

also as a single parent you are entitled to help with housing costs, child tax credit and child benefit, also income support if youre child is under 5, i recently found myself in a similar kind of situation and benefits were a great help untill i found a job, you can also apply for an emergeny loan (usually under £100) just to tide you over

DeckSwabber · 04/07/2012 08:06

Sounds like things are pretty complicated and your ex is in a real state. His mum probably has her hands full.

You need more support but my advice would be to look elsewhere for it. Have you got family of your own who can help?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/07/2012 08:06

When your ex is this unreliable & unstable you have to look out for yourself and your child rather than continue to expect anything out of him. See a solicitor or CAB so that you understand the legal aspects of a divorce (if you're married) or separation and maintenance for your child via CSA. Use things like the Turn2Us Calculator to get an idea what benefits are available until you can find a job.

A lot of us look after our children single-handed for various reasons and it helps if you can look at it as a rewarding experience rather than a punishment. You may think you got the shitty end of the stick but look at his life.... serious mental health issues, no contact with his child and having to move back in with his mother. Hardly something to crow about.

geegee888 · 04/07/2012 08:12

YANBU. You sound like you've got compassion fatigue OP. It can seem very harsh when someone is ill, and gets all the help and attention, when the mother has to soldier on and be the responsible one. I think your feelings are very understandable and quite natural, and will probably help you get over this in time. I would honestly forget about any support from this man or his family and look out for yourself and your DC.

TroublesomeEx · 04/07/2012 09:46

Claim benefits. Your situation is why we have a benefit system.

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