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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking DP's family's behaviour towards me is pretty outrageous?

405 replies

SylvieSmith · 03/07/2012 17:40

So, DP's DB and his wife have just had a baby. DP rings DB on Thursday to ask if we can round to see the baby for the first time on Friday. DB says no, they'll come to ours Sunday. DP says Sunday is absolutely no good because Sylvie is working all day (twelve and a half hour shift). DB says they will try to come on Saturday. Saturday comes and goes, no sign of them. Late Saturday evening DP gets a text saying they're coming on Sunday. Neither of us is happy about this, but DP is all like I can't get into a confrontation with them when they've just had a baby and refuses to talk to his DB about it. So I go off to work on Sunday and they and DP's mum come round with the baby, and DP gives them the presents I carefully selected, bought and wrapped months ago, and I'm left out of the whole thing!

But it's not only this. I've never been able to build much of a relationship with them. DP and DB are not really close, they're quite different people. DP: bookish, sensitive, university-educated, teacher, teetotal. DB: laddish, a drinker, left school at 16, works in a factory. We've never seen him and his wife loads and when we do it is an effort for both of us.

There have been a few things they've done that have pissed me off. For example, DB is our DS's godfather (DP's choice) but he has never taken much interest in him.

DP lent DB £500 when I was pregnant with DS, which we couldn't really afford, and DB has never paid us that money back, though they have been on several holidays since and are now in the process of buying their council house Hmm. (We, on the other hand, are finally going on our first holiday for three years this summer, as we haven't been able to afford it until now). DP refuses to ask for the money back and says we should just write it off. (It went towards paying debts).

They never say thank you for birthday and Christmas presents, for themselves or for their kids. Ever.

One time it was DP's birthday and we invited people round at four in the afternoon for a little party. DB didn't want to come at 4pm (he didn't have other plans, he just didn't want to come) so he turned up at 10 in the morning instead, with wife and two kids in tow! My friend from overseas was coming to stay that evening and I was rushing round trying to get the house clean for that and the official party happening in the afternoon, and somewhat stressed, so I stayed upstairs cleaning for most of the time they were here. After that DB complained to DP about me being "unfriendly", and came round less (his wife didn't actually come round again until this Sunday when they brought the baby over, which basically means she didn't come round for three years).

Another time we went round to drop a present off for their DD. We were in a rush (my mum had given us a lift up there and was waiting in the car outside) so it was just a very quick visit, but it led to another complaint about my supposed unfriendliness because apparently I didn't say hello or goodbye (I don't remember this - I'm sure I must've acknowledged them with a nod or a wave).

And one time, and this is a little thing but it pissed me off no end and now is my chance to get it off my chest (!), DB's DD threw up all over my settee and when he asked me for a cloth to clean it up with I told him to use the old cloth under the cupboard under the kitchen sink but instead he helped himself to a new one out of the packet, and it wasn't just any old cloth but a fancy M&S one, and of course it had to be thrown away afterwards so it was a complete waste, and what made it even more irritating was that the DD had obviously thrown up because she'd been allowed to stuff herself stupid with crisps before they came over, it wasn't like she was ill or anything...!!!!

I've never said anything to them about any of these things (though with the cleaning cloth thing I really wish I had!!). One, I'm quite shy, and two, I think it's DP's place to deal with his family. I was brought up to be polite to people I don't know very well and that is exactly what I've tried to do every time I've seen them. My only crime, as I see it, has been my shyness. But apparently they now feel justified in leaving me out of big family occasions.

OP posts:
BlackOutTheSun · 03/07/2012 19:50

Ah but the m&s ones are indestructible, thats why they are m&s Grin

Springforward · 03/07/2012 19:50

This does all sound like normal family stuff to me, TBH.

FuckityFuckFuck · 03/07/2012 19:51

They have a new baby, if they say they can come round on Sunday, then Sunday it is. Arrange another time to go visit so you can meet the new baby yourself. YABU

DP said it was ok to come round at 10 instead of 4, you popped your head round the door and then went upstairs. You couldn't have even managed to sit down for 5 minutes and have a little chat? YABU

You drop a present off at their door, again, cannot possibly hang around for 5 minutes for a quick chat? YABU

Your DP lends then money, and then says to just write it off instead of asking for it back. YABU to be annoyed at BIL and SIL when you should be annoyed with DP

YAalsoBU to be estimating about other peoples income and for being slighty sneery about them buying a "council" house

I am not even going to get involved in cloth-gate

None of those things would prevent building a relationship with them, if thats what you want. You are going to have to let it all go and have a fresh start. I'm sure they are not perfect, but someone has to make the first move

Original poster
SylvieSmith · 03/07/2012 19:51

squeakytoy, you are reading something into what I said that isn't there.

OP posts:
TicketToHull · 03/07/2012 19:51

I'm amazed about how many people are focusing on the origins of the cloth! The way I read the OP, she doesn't think it's a massive deal at all:

And one time, and this is a little thing but it pissed me off no end and now is my chance to get it off my chest (!)

What am I missing?

diddl · 03/07/2012 19:51

I wouldn´t use an old cloth from under the sink unless I could handle it with rubber gloves.

You do sound unfriendly tbh.

Your husband told his brother that they could come round so it wasn´t as if you were totally disregarded, is it?

TheLightPassenger · 03/07/2012 19:52

apart from the money it really does sound like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other TBH. try and see it as a personality clash and accept that you're never going to be best buddies with them and try not to be offended.

Original poster
SylvieSmith · 03/07/2012 19:52

Fuckity, you obviously haven't read the rest of the thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
SylvieSmith · 03/07/2012 19:56

My point was that they are buying a house in spite of owing people money and they shouldn't be buying any house at all whilst that is the case. Please tell me how that is "sneering" at them for buying a council house.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 03/07/2012 19:57

What an extrapolation! From using your luxury M&S cloth to now being bullied because you are a shy person?

Get a grip.

elizaregina · 03/07/2012 19:57

"Boasting over and m and s cloth", it almost sounds like people are jealous of your m and s cloth and your spending power...

BlackOutTheSun · 03/07/2012 19:58

why did you mention council house? why not just say buying a house?

FuckityFuckFuck · 03/07/2012 19:58

Sylvie

Actually I have, hence the estimating other peoples income bit.

You don't like them, they don't like you. Either try to change it or ignore them

Original poster
SylvieSmith · 03/07/2012 19:58

And Fuckity, for the third time, we DID talk to them the day we dropped off the present, we didn't just stand on the doorstep, we went into the house.

OP posts:
dearprudence · 03/07/2012 19:58

I'm not going to pick apart your posts about the day of the 10am visit, but they are not at all consistent.

I was shy - no-one would know it now, but it's still in there. DS (10) has been shy but has improved loads in recent years. I was sympathetic to DS but I also told him that to other people, shyness looks like bad manners or being unfriendly, so there are certain things he has to do even if it makes him uncomfortable. And eventually those things feel more comfortable.

I have no idea if this is what's happening in your situation, but it might be worth considering.

CurrySpice · 03/07/2012 19:59

Yeah, better still get an M&S grip :o

FuckityFuckFuck · 03/07/2012 20:00

It is sneery because of the Hmm right after it. why not just say "buying a house"

Original poster
SylvieSmith · 03/07/2012 20:01

I just wanted to point out they're buying the house they already live in - it wasn't going anywhere and they could have waited.

OP posts:
IslaValargeone · 03/07/2012 20:01

Maybe they think it was a gift? Your dp has not given them any indication that it's to be paid back.
Are you a bit annoyed that even though he works in a factory, they are about to become homeowners, with YOUR money damn it, while you are still renting. In a house that you can''t even clean with a fancy cloth anymore.

kerala · 03/07/2012 20:01

You seem to be over thinking things and have very high expectations of your DPs family. My ILs have behaved very badly over the years (things that would put your quoted examples to shame Grin). If you feel you need to have a continuing relationship with them which I guess you do you need to do the following:

  1. Have really really low expectations of them. Expect nothing. Then you can only be pleasantly surprised.
  2. Acknowledge they are different from you, don't know what they are doing is annoying and that they probably don't mean to cause offence (even though in MIL case it would be obvious to a 4 year old that what she is doing is bloody rude but still).
  3. Only talk about really anodyne uncontroversial things with them. Always be smiley and bland. In our case the weather, holidays and the children. This is literally all we discuss with them now.
  4. After they have left sink a bottle of wine and have a good rant about how annoying they are (only works if your DP also finds them difficult in my case DH gets on worse with his parents than I do). Try and see the funny side.

I used to get myself all worked up and upset about my ILs failings but honestly its not worth the headspace. Unless you plan to cut them off you need coping strategies you can't change how they behave only how you react to it. Good luck!

Slobby · 03/07/2012 20:02

Again, you're in the right OP about the council house.

The bourgeois toil away, and these feral plebs get the op to purchase at a quarter of the albeit highly inflated market price. No doubt they will instantly sell it and use up the funds for holidays in Marbella or Lesbos until it's all run out rather than paying you the money back, whilst signing back on for another house on us. Then it's just rinse and repeat. A shocking state of affairs and I'm glad you're exposing their hypocrisy.

elizaregina · 03/07/2012 20:02

dearprudence

"I'm not going to pick apart your posts about the day of the 10am visit, but they are not at all consistent. "

Any barristers or solcitors among us: to really pin down and get to grips with the 10am visit? We need someone with proper legal training..

crunchbag · 03/07/2012 20:03

But do they know they owe you money? What was the arrangement between your dp and his db? Did he tell them it was a loan and when to pay back or did he say pay me back whenever you can. Or did he gave them the money with no conditions attached?

This is really something you should blame your dp for not his brother.

And maybe they used the £500 towards the house.

Original poster
SylvieSmith · 03/07/2012 20:03

You've misinterpreted what I said then, Fuckity - the Hmm was because they're spending money, not because they're spending money on a council house.

OP posts:
FuckityFuckFuck · 03/07/2012 20:03

I'm sure I must've acknowledged them with a nod or a wave

Then cloth-gate

Then some more drip feeding

Then you stood there whilst DP chatted

And now you went into the house

See? I have read the whole thing. It's not my fault if it changes every time I refresh