in thinking DP's family's behaviour towards me is pretty outrageous?

[SylvieSmith]

So, DP's DB and his wife have just had a baby. DP rings DB on Thursday to ask if we can round to see the baby for the first time on Friday. DB says no, they'll come to ours Sunday. DP says Sunday is absolutely no good because Sylvie is working all day (twelve and a half hour shift). DB says they will try to come on Saturday. Saturday comes and goes, no sign of them. Late Saturday evening DP gets a text saying they're coming on Sunday. Neither of us is happy about this, but DP is all like I can't get into a confrontation with them when they've just had a baby and refuses to talk to his DB about it. So I go off to work on Sunday and they and DP's mum come round with the baby, and DP gives them the presents I carefully selected, bought and wrapped months ago, and I'm left out of the whole thing!

But it's not only this. I've never been able to build much of a relationship with them. DP and DB are not really close, they're quite different people. DP: bookish, sensitive, university-educated, teacher, teetotal. DB: laddish, a drinker, left school at 16, works in a factory. We've never seen him and his wife loads and when we do it is an effort for both of us.

There have been a few things they've done that have pissed me off. For example, DB is our DS's godfather (DP's choice) but he has never taken much interest in him.

DP lent DB £500 when I was pregnant with DS, which we couldn't really afford, and DB has never paid us that money back, though they have been on several holidays since and are now in the process of buying their council house . (We, on the other hand, are finally going on our first holiday for three years this summer, as we haven't been able to afford it until now). DP refuses to ask for the money back and says we should just write it off. (It went towards paying debts).

They never say thank you for birthday and Christmas presents, for themselves or for their kids. Ever.

One time it was DP's birthday and we invited people round at four in the afternoon for a little party. DB didn't want to come at 4pm (he didn't have other plans, he just didn't want to come) so he turned up at 10 in the morning instead, with wife and two kids in tow! My friend from overseas was coming to stay that evening and I was rushing round trying to get the house clean for that and the official party happening in the afternoon, and somewhat stressed, so I stayed upstairs cleaning for most of the time they were here. After that DB complained to DP about me being "unfriendly", and came round less (his wife didn't actually come round again until this Sunday when they brought the baby over, which basically means she didn't come round for three years).

Another time we went round to drop a present off for their DD. We were in a rush (my mum had given us a lift up there and was waiting in the car outside) so it was just a very quick visit, but it led to another complaint about my supposed unfriendliness because apparently I didn't say hello or goodbye (I don't remember this - I'm sure I must've acknowledged them with a nod or a wave).

And one time, and this is a little thing but it pissed me off no end and now is my chance to get it off my chest (!), DB's DD threw up all over my settee and when he asked me for a cloth to clean it up with I told him to use the old cloth under the cupboard under the kitchen sink but instead he helped himself to a new one out of the packet, and it wasn't just any old cloth but a fancy M&S one, and of course it had to be thrown away afterwards so it was a complete waste, and what made it even more irritating was that the DD had obviously thrown up because she'd been allowed to stuff herself stupid with crisps before they came over, it wasn't like she was ill or anything...!!!!

I've never said anything to them about any of these things (though with the cleaning cloth thing I really wish I had!!). One, I'm quite shy, and two, I think it's DP's place to deal with his family. I was brought up to be polite to people I don't know very well and that is exactly what I've tried to do every time I've seen them. My only crime, as I see it, has been my shyness. But apparently they now feel justified in leaving me out of big family occasions.

BlackOutTheSun
But would any of you want to re-arrange a day to suit someone who wouldn't even say hello to you, to show of your new baby?

Possibly not as I've tended to have less time and energy to be messed about with new baby so have been more awkward about doing what suited us.

However I wouldn't agree to another day not show and then turn up when I knew family member was out. That is just rude.

OP DP has muddy water a little by going along with their rudeness - maybe to keep peace with his DB over OP or because he didn't think - who knows.

eliza the ILs don't know that she has a social problem. They just think she's rude. Just as the OP thinks that they are rude to not say thank you. Maybe they have a social problem too and should be given some consideration.

Not sure if you really want to agree with math as she said that the OP was uptight, not that the ILs think she was uptight. You would not be defending her if you agreed with math

I see it as mutual dislike. They don't like her. She doesn't like them. It is likely best that they keep contact to the minimum.

I'm going against the grain here OP: your DP's family don't sound that nice and more to the point, you don't get on: minimise contact with them and treasure your own friends and family.

I don't like the sound of your DP's family really, but I like the sound of your DP less. He would have been down the road a good while back if he was my "D" P.

You will be shy and nervous if that is in your nature and that will only be exacerbated by the lack of support from your partner.

I grew up in a council house. I also used to eat Wotsits now and again and I even give them to my kids sometimes. I am not offended by your observations.

YANBU

Don't waste you time on these people, life is too short.

Yanbu. I feel sorry for you OP. Perhaps if they are that ungrateful for all the presents etc you've got them then I'd spend less in future. And have less contact if you feel they are rude and ungrateful. You sound like you mean well.

My IL's are very odd with me too but I put it down to the fact that often they don't like the things DH does but instead of having a go at him (their beloved son who has slowly developed a mind of his own) , they blame me. I am guilty of everything in their eyes and they never seen DH as a responsible adult.

Why isn't your DP sticking up for you by the way. Why couldn't he say last thing ''sorry I'm busy Sunday, so it will have to be another day'' and stuck to it

Yanbu op. Hope you're okay.

I feel sorry for you OP, getting ripped to shreds on here. When you replied and defended yourself politely and fairly, you encountered some rude posters. We're not all like that, honest!

I'm not trying to be rude but throughout this post you have came across quite snobby about your DPs brother. Mentioning your DPs university education and mentioning your DPs DB working in a factory makes it sound like you're trying to put a class divide here. Perhaps he's not the greatest person in the world and can be a bit careless but at the end of the day he is who he is and you don't have a right to judge him.

As far as the lending the money thing is concerned ask your DP why he doesn't ask for the money back. Perhaps there is a reason. Perhaps your DP said it was a gift to help him out and therefore the brother didn't expect to have to pay it back.

If they have just had a baby I really think their schedule should be chosen by them, not you. I know you'd love to see the new baby but sometimes it's not practical.

Your DPs birthday is an interesting one. If he specifically told you or your DP he wasn't doing anything else beforehand and just couldn't be arsed to turn up til 4p.m that's a bit annoying and a little inconsiderate. I don't think you're wrong to prepare for your friend coming over though and if you were upstairs cleaning up that's understandable. Okay you may have guests but just like the brother wasn't wanting to come at 4p.m he has to accept that perhaps you wont be available at the time he comes too.

Dropping off your nephews gifts isn't a bad thing if you'd told them you can only drop in quick if there is a valid reason (work, live really far away and couldn't get back til late otherwise etc).

Altruistic -

There is a difference between them choosing their schedule and choosing when they can turn up. They may say "are you available sunday?" and OP and her husband every right to say no. Having a baby does not mean you can turn up whenever you like.

Sorry, have not read whole thread.

It sounds like they think you think you are better than them. And they don't like you for it.

(I'm not saying they're right or wrong, BTW, just that that is what they think).

I think that the problem is with dp.

I agree glassofrose but then perhaps they have said they can only really do Sunday and the DP has said he will be there, but his wife wont be?

That's exactly what happened. Her DH said that the op would be at work on Sunday and could they come on Saturday so they both could see the baby. They said that they would try. couldn't come on Saturday so came on sunday instead.

By uptight about the cloth I think what I meant was that she seemed to be more concerned about what cloth to use than about the child who had just upchucked or even about the possibility of the Wotsit puke staining the couch while the BIL searched for the right cloth. Going with him to the kitchen to point out the right cloth while the child was presumably left on her own right after throwing up to make sure he got the right cloth bespeaks a certain level of tunnel vision, or uptightness about the cloth, if you will.

If I were a parent whose child had just puked on someone else's couch I would be mortified. I would want to get the mess wiped up as fast as I possibly could, and not waste time searching at the bottom of a cupboard for a special used cloth. However, if it had struck me that the couch owner was more concerned about the cloth than the couch, and certainly more concerned about the cloth than my child, I would be tempted to use the new cloth as a gesture to express that her priorities were misplaced.

This is one of the oddest threads I have ever read on AIBU. And that is saying a lot.

Yes, YABU. The behaviour you outlined in the OP is in no way outrageous. Nor is it in any way bullying. Annoying, perhaps. But your later posts about nodding and/or smiling, rather than actually greeting these people, are simply bizarre. I would chalk it up to a classic misunderstanding. You think they are being rude (with some justification). They think you are being rude (also with some justification).

If you want to have a good relationship with your in-laws, then let go of the petty complaints of the past and move on. If you would rather nurse your feelings of being hard done by, that is of course your perogative. But it doesn't sound like a very happy or healthy way forward.

"..was that the DD had obviously thrown up because she'd been allowed to stuff herself stupid with crisps before they came over, it wasn't like she was ill or anything...!!!!"

Gosh I'd say their DD was ill if she had thrown up and I wouldn't judge her or her parents over it. Bizarre post if you ask me.

OP I think you need to relax and not stress so much.

Your BIL sounds thoughtless.....

But you need to start to speak up, in a non-aggressive way if you find something to your dislike. (And your DP needs to cultivate some balls in regard to his brother - why hasn't he brought up the loan with him?).

Minimise your contact, no point in getting stressed over family members. Life's too short.

I'd be pissed off about the money the redt? Meh. You lost me when you talked about the cloth. Why didn't you go and get it? You let him scrabble around for a cloth under the sink while you sat on your arse?

You don't sound very nice.

Eliza the OP did carry on about the cloth, despite the outrageous behaviour being that the other brother threatened to smack her. Which the most outrageous?
Yes that's why there is a problem with drip feeding even a couple a pages in, it stinks of 'well if you are all going to say I am U, I'll make it so I am not'
even with the threats I still think the OP is unreasonable as it has nothing to do with the brother she is speaking about.
This brother and his wife have the right not to want to visit her. especially since they get no acknowledgement. Even someone came in my house and nodded at me I would think they were rude.
Also since the OP doesn't know if she has aspergers why should they know. they probably think she is rude to come in someones house and not even say hello. They have known her 5 years.
I have said many times that the OPs dp is the one she has problem with. Yet the OP won't acknowledge this. I have asked if the dp may have told them not to pay it back and not told her. No response. Its possible after she left for work they called dp and he agreed for them to come round as he did on his birthday. Its certainly his fault the other brother had nothing said to him when he threatened the OP.
The OP would rather blame the ils instead of actually look at the situation. And is now thinking she has aspergers. When in actual fact I think she is pissed with her dp and is projecting it to the ils. Its possible that the OP doesn't have social problems, but can't deal with her anger to dp. so acts it out in ways that's seen as unsociable.

OP, just one question for you, if you're still reading:

Do you see why poster after poster is saying that the issue if your DP rather than his family?

I'm sorry you're so shy you can't bring yourself to acknowledge DP's family verbally. That must be excruciating for you.

but instead he helped himself to a new one out of the packet, and it wasn't just any old cloth but a fancy M&S one

Really? You are pissed off about that? And your later comment would would we do that in someone else's house..well my dd threw up in a friends house a while age. Friend dashed off to get cleaning stuff while I cleaned up & comforted dd. I offered to do the cleaning but she was happy to do so.

If you are THAT particular as to what gets used, perhaps you should have got the cleaning stuff & presented it to them?

Also, I can see why your db would be upset at you hiding upstairs the entire time when he visited his brother on his birthday, that was rude & unwelcoming. A simple "hi db, sorry can't stop, am busy" would have been good in that situation!

Is this a reverse AIBU?

I was one of the first to comment on this thread and can't believe it has run to 13 pages .
Poor op must be feeling very ganged up on. Op, if you are shy its easy to over invest in these kinds of threads. Many ops would have abandoned this a long time ago.
I do think you have been offered some decent advice here though. I would minimise contact as you obviously don't have much in common. If you want to be closer to dns, maybe you could have them over for tea or a DVD night w/o their parents. I also think you should accept that your dp wants to be closer to his family than you do. That is not unusual or unreasonable.
Have a chat with him about the way resentment has built up.
I hope you have got something out of this.