...to ask you to make up a future for me?

[Punkatheart]

I am not looking for sympathy. My life is awful beyond belief - OH left me last year and it was a complete shock. 20 years and he has treated me so badly. Daughter hysterical, threatened suicide, struggling at school. I have lymphoma and the stress has affected me so badly that my white cell is down. Now I am exhausted and depressed (side effects of Interferon). Now OH, who has got himself in financial mess but spending and going off the rails, is trying to force me to sell the house.

My daughter is not coping, will not see him (huge part of the problem and hence his fury) and is in her crucial GCSE year. I simply do not have the energy to move and I wake up every morning feeling sick and terrified about the future. I have tried to work but been told that I should not...so I am trying to do some writing from home (proofreading, copyediting etc.) but I am struggling with energy levels.

Sorry - I did say I was not looking for sympathy. What I need from you is to make up my future for me - to make some fantasy life that will make me laugh, feel lucky and happy for a while.

Are you up to the challenge?

I know you're not looking for sympathy but I didn't want to read and run

Life must be so hard for you and your DD...I can't think of anything amusing to say right now :(

So I'll just go with my usual line....

He's a bastard, covered in a coating of crispy bastard, with a liberal sprinkling of bastard flakes and a bastard cherry on top.

Three years from now ....
DD is just completing her first year at uni, or first year working. She feels much better now she is in a new environment and has made loads of friends. She's looking forward to coming home for a few weeks in the summer to see you before disappearing off to go round Europe with her lovely new mates.
Your emotion about DH has run its course. You rarely see or hear from him, but every time you do you feel so glad you're not shackled to him anymore.
You are living in a lovely new place. It's not as big as your old place, but you really don't need so much room any more, and this place is yours, all yours. You've got it exactly the way you like it, no need to consult anyone else's taste or preferences.
You're white cell count has stabilised and you're doing some regular work in an office with lots of lovely young people who keep you on your toes. You're still doing a bit of proofreading when it suits you, so you've easily got enough spare cash for your holiday. You always wanted to visit Florence, so you've designed your own itinerary going down the trainline from Pisa to Sienna for a couple of weeks.
Gosh, I'm starting to wish I had your future.
Best wishes

Thank you both. Smiles and tears in equal measure.

Five years from now...

Your DD did well in her GCSEs, got through college and went onto university. She now has a summer bar job and comes in at all hours, raiding the fridge along the way. When she left home you decided that a fresh start would be in order so relocated to a beautiful cottage in the country with climbing roses round the door. You work four days a week in the local bakery / cafe which makes the most divine chocolate chip brownies. You have new friends, new hobbies and a loving puppy who likes nothing better than to lie with his nose on your feet. You're weeks away from finishing your first book and your agent is very excited about it. With this tranquil existence your health has improved a lot and this time seems like nothing more than a bad dream.

Thinking of you :)

Gosh! Who envisaged such a lucrative future in managing troupes of Brazilian dancers? Your daughter is on her gap year in south America and as soon as you've overseen your "boys"' next show, you're flying (club class) to Rio for a little R&R.

Your ex-OH gets on better with his new cell-mate than the previous one.

Thanks Gem - that sounds like a truly beautiful future. You are spooky - I have just fostered a dog...it is very hard work but she is a poppet.

I love that last line, Alpine. I loved him for so very long but yes, I did get a giggle out of that one.

In 5 years time, you are living in a lovely house, it's all yours and you have made it your own. Each room is yours and none hold memories of the rough few years. Nobody can hurt you, you are safe and happy. Your DD shares a house with her friends and loves to come home to see her Mum as she finds it a carefree homely place to be away from the hustle and bustle of college life.
You don't have much money but you have everything you need and can spend your time as you wish. You have started to invite new friends for lunch and they come and go. When you are alone you feel peaceful and contented with your life.
Xx

Oh, and your Ex DD had his b* (singular) bitten off by a dog.

Ok, that bit was unnecessary but hey...

Your DD does well in her GCSE's and is moving out of the teenage years into being a happy and relaxed young adult.

In 18 months time your OH comes crawling back bleating about the big mistake he has made and you realise you don't need him anymore. Quite mysteriously you manage to trap his nadgers in the door as you slam it in his face .

Five years from now - you still have your foster dog and have written (or should that be wrote?) a book about your experiences with her. It is making thousands, nay millions and you have just sold the film rights. Your DD has just finished her degree, fallen in love with a prince and you are getting ready to hit the shops to buy a hat for the wedding. At this wedding you will meet a man, a kind, tender and caring man, who just happens to be unbelievably sexy and has ignited a wanton woman inside you, you think that maybe you could just fall in love.......... but then again, maybe you and your daughter are going to travel the world first

actually, i think i like kittys version better than mine :) its more real

I have been totally outclassed byalpinepony!

I like them all in different ways. Anything is better than waking up every morning feeling nauseous and wondering what else the day will bring.

Thank you.

Keep 'em coming.

Kitty

In five years time your DD is doing great at university, made lots of friends and is happy. Your health is no longer a worry. You live in a beautiful village in a small, homely abode. You are happier within yourself now as never before. You have new hobbies, have learned a new skill and enjoy spending time with your new friends. You are happy with your body and life makes you feel so good.

You haven't seen nor heard of OH for years after the Taliban kidnapped him

two years time

Your DD didn't do as well in GCSEs as she should so went to college to do BTEC. She starts getting Distinctions, does an A Level alongside it and gets an A. She loves her subjecct so, two years later she she has applied to do physiotherapy at uni, she has an unconditional offer but has deffered for a year.

You have not sold the house, your ex had to buy you out which has given you a financial cushon.

Two years ago your GP sent you to a specialist who has sorted your meds and you are now stable and able to work. You have just handed in your notice, not because you have had to but because you and DD are both going to have a gap year.

You are both setting off from Heathrow in a couple of weeks, you are flying east to Afria first then India, Australia and Japan before a flight to the US.

DD is flying to South America, travelling around there for a while, the to the US, Australia Asia and Africa, You have arranged to meet in Australia for three weeks.

Your financial cushion will be a bit less, but you will still have some money left and while you are away you rent yor house out to some fantastic tennants who keep it in good order and provide you with an income.

Your daughter's concentration has been affected by your family situation and your health, so her school's welfare officers persuade her to retake.

By the second time around, you have sold your house and found a new place, your ex has calmed down, and your health is so much better for the lack of stress. She's also a year older and calmer than her peers so does better in her GCSEs. It's a non-Olympic summer and the Brits are winning Wimbledon, so you both have a summer of calm and happiness before she goes onto the next stage.

Your DD continues with the summer job she got after her GCSEs went awry, and is beginning to get some supervisory responsibilities, much to her delight.

At school, she makes new friends in her new year, and doesn't envy her old classmates the stress of starting A-Levels. However, when she takes them herself, she is, again, that year older and calmer. BY this time, she is thinking of taking her work experience and working for herself, so she uses her further education to do just that.... And finally, she graduates with a business plan, not hitting the depressed job market that her peers were facing the year earlier - which would have been her graduation year. You cry at her graduation, but she's taking you for a postgraduation lunch on her new corporate credit card, so there's a very swish ladies' loo in which you can repair your makeup.

Ok, I'm going to have another shot.
In three years your dh has turned to scientology in a fit of depression. Once under the influence, he embraces his feminine side and becomes Tom cruises sex slave.
Meanwhile, your lawyers discover that, owing to your dh's efforts at tax evasion, the house is actually in your name alone and has nothing to do with him. You don't wa t to stay so you sell up in order to start a dog training business. You become the world famous dog whisperer and, in a bizarre twist of fate, are recruited by Katie Holmes in order to train her gorgeous but uncontrollable chihuahua. She is so grateful she buys you a house in Los Angeles with a fabulous view overlooking Tom's pool...

I had to ring my ex today and he answered the phone just like he used to do when we were together....as if he was popping around for tea. I felt so much pain...it was odd.

Roll on those futures...you are all so rich in imagination and compassion. I am loving these...

girlpancake - you should write books

Whatever your future is, it is yours.

You can make it what you want it to be. It's up to you.

The pain is huge, I know this. Focus on you and your daughter. I keep telling myself "this too will pass". You need your friends and family. Take the help. You will repay it back.

Get your own house where you will be free. Omg it's scary but worth it. Get your peace of mind back. Take care of yourself and your daughter. You will be fine. You have lots of love. Keep it for you and your daughter.

Amidst the chaos, there is a light. You have to choose that's where you're going with your daughter. Come on. You can do it.

Xx

Hi Punk, are you getting legal advice? If he is going off the rails might it be better to sell so you can cut all financial ties from him and salvage what money remains?? I don't know what your share would be but a much smaller home for yourself and your dd would be better than living somewhere which he is threatening to sell. Or perhaps any sales proceeds could go into trust for your dd and you could rent with help from the state? You could then sign off sick and concentrate on healing and nurturing yourself and your dd and gather strength to build a new life?

Sorry for the thread hijack but I hope this helps. I split with my ex 5 years ago and felt as lost as you sound. I am happier now than I have ever been. Strength to you and your dd x

By the time we pay off the mortgage there would not be enough for another home. I want to keep my home but most importantly, my daughter is in such a bad state, any change would be catastrophic. I spent 20 years with the man and I loved and nurtured him and his career, despite being ill. I don't want to end up with very little, living on benefits. So hence the fantasy future.

I haven't had any legal advice as I can't afford it. Stress also makes my condition worse and I am struggling to stay well - so genuinely not up to it at the moment.

But thank you for the advice and I am so glad that you emerged so much better.

you can get legal advice - many family solicitors will give a free half hour - perhaps it would reduce your stress to know where you stand legally; eg it may well be that, for now at least whilst your dd is young that your ex can force you to sell the house .

sorry to hijack, but you sound so desolate. I won't intrude further but hope you feel better soon

can't

Punkatheart - Just a suggestion, it might be worth starting a new thread to get some clarity on your financial & legal situation. I'm sure there are lots of qualified lawyers/FSA here on mumsnet that could give you advice. I'm not suggesting on the record legal advice here but at least, some clarity so you have a better idea of what your options -should you then want to act on it and seek (qualified) advice in the real world.

By having some kind of plan, you'll feel a sense of control and (then happiness hopefully) back in your lives again.

Near future:
You'll be celebrating your dd's exam results, and look forward to visiting colleges/discussing her next course or stage in life. You've just come back from the hairdressers, with a wow haircut and turning heads as you walk down the street. You feel empowered to tell your husband that unless he speaks to you rationally in a calm manner, you will not engage in his conversations any further. You'll have a 3-6 months plan on detangling yourself financially from your ex. And you've just secured a new decent job (which is why you are having that fab haircut)