To seriously consider leaving my DH for having the flu

[MrsBramStoker]

DH has been unwell with an 'awful flu' for the last week.

He does get sick a lot, has a terrible immunity and can be a hypochondriac. He hasn't eaten much all week, has a high temp (which he is going on about all bloody week!!) and has been getting sick.

We have 3 kids under the age of 4.5 - DD is 4.5 and Dtwins alomst 2.

I took the kids out yesterday in the hope he would feel better.

When I got home, he was still shuffling around in his f**king dressing gown holding his stomach and moaning!!

(When not sick) he is a good father, but TBH, have had it up to hear with him getting sick so much. I have to carry the can as he didn't - i mean it - lift a finger all week as he 'couldn't' - no getting the kids dressed, no filling the dishwasher, NOTHING. He's been going from the couch to the bed, etc.

I was up the last few night doing class plans as didn't get a chance during the day, am wrecked from running around after very active twin boys, working a morning job teaching.

To top it all, when I felt dreadful a few weeks ago, I soldiered on and just got on with it. (marty I know but i bloody well had to!)

Am pissed off that his mother/work colleagues/everyone says it's 'men for you!'

It's just his attitude that gets to me. The children have to be fed/changed/minded so I just couldn't take to the bed for a week.

How the hell did I end up marrying such a sniffling, weak, low immunity man.

I know it's the week that's in it, so am probably being irrational, but have been really impatient with him all week, he accused me of treating his flu as an 'inconvenience' and 'making it harder'.

I honestly thought about going for marriage counselling over it all. I feel very unhappy/drained by it all and just not sure if i can put with him being so 'sick' all the time

AIBU and a total bitch?

YANBU. Have you told him to man up?

If he actually has proper flu then he must feel awful.

On the low immnity thing I don't think it's a marriage counsellor you need I think it's a doctor.

Does he eat a good diet, get enough sleep, exercise etc?

If he has proper flu then yabu. Its fucking horrendous!

I couldn't stand up without help!

Has he been to the doctor for the low immunity?

If he is genuinely ill than you are being rather heartless and nasty.

If he is faking it then YANBU.

"In sickness and in health" ...... Agree with Jiggle, you DH needs to see a doctor to rule out any serious conditions.

Maybe he is feeling so lousy that he can't do anything..... and you being impatient won't be helping.

In the meantime could you get some help from (eg) your Mum/his mum with the kids if you are finding it hard to cope.

YABU
DH and I got flu one after the other back in January. The well one did the work while the ill one languished on the sofa/in bed feeling feeble and wretched. It must be very hard work for you yes but he can't help being ill.

YANBU! I know just what you mean - it is not really the being ill, it is the fact that if DH is ill he just switches off totally and takes himself off to bed, and if I am ill I just can't do that as who would look after the kids, house, etc? Am completely with you on this one - you have my total sympathy!

Why can't the men you're moaning about take care of everything if you're unwell?

If you had some terrible illness and he was well, would he look after the kids if you felt you needed to stay in bed?

It depends whether he has flu or 'flu'.

In the famous mumsnet words 'you sound lovely' If its real flu you are being completely unreasonable. I've only had the real deal once and wouldn't wish it on anyone. Work gave me grief as I'd had 4 days off so I dragged myself in, collapsed, hit my head on a desk as I fell and was off a fortnight with flu and concussion! Be a little more understanding. It's not his fault he was lower immunity than you.

Op yanbu. I too get sick of dh and his endless bad stomachs, colds, sinus problems. I have suggested going to the docs but he tells me he doesn't get illthat much! Just for the record, he has also had viral conjunctivitis which had him off work for months and a brooken leg, ditto, in the last couple of years, and I was very supportive. It's just our plans being wrecked at the last minute, plus the general lack of help when if our roles are reversed I just get on with it, that winds me up.

Leaving someone for having the flu would be a terrible thing to do. But if what really grates is that he does not step in and take over childcare and housework when you are ill then that asymmetry in terms of what you are putting in to the relationship is bound to wear you down. Maybe relationship counselling would help first, just to give you both a chance to see each others perspectives on this.

I've been really ill for the last 18m. If DH and I were only allowed a certain number of sick days per year then I think I've squandered a lifetime's allocation. Thankfully DH doesn't think that way, but steps in and takes over, looks after DD when I physically cannot (I have epilepsy and severe seizures make it dangerous for me to do this) and just gets on with it. He does not resent me for this, though he shares my general pissed off ness about 'why us? why now?'. But in the preceding ten years of our relationship I'd cared for him through broken ankles, flu, stressful times at work, bereavements and so forth and I still do whatever I can whenever I am well enough so I hope he knows that if he'd been hit with the sicky stick I would hopefully have stepped up and looked after him too.

I am sorry to be disparaging about Dhs various ailments and I'm sure I'm going to piss people off. But for 'real' illness I'm willin and happy to shoulder all the burden. He is my husband. It's the fact he always gets a dreadful headache on the way down to my parents, usually has a bad stomach every time we go on a trip somewhere or have a meal out. I don't think he's lying but I do think he sometimes makes more of it than he needs to simply because he's in a bad mood or whatever. I would never leave him. But its annoying.

Luckily my dh is rarely ill (i'm definitely the sicker one - but it is not often) but he is very irritating when he is...just sooooo pathetic! Because it is rare, I can be sympathetic but if it was all the time I would find my sympathy running very thin.

When I'm sick, dh goes to work so he doesn't have to put up with my malingering all day and he is very good around the edges - cooking dinner etc. Our children our school age so that is less of an issue.

You do, of course, realise that if you really did leave him you would have no support at home at all, no-one to do the dishwasher etc.

I would address the illness stuff with him and insist he sees a doctor, explain that while you are sympathetic to real illness you are very irritated concerned about his ongoing ill health and are finding it is taking a toll on your relationship.

I don't think you are being a total bitch at all, I think your dh sounds very self-indulgent. If he really is as sick as he thinks he is all the time he genuinely should be seeing a doctor.

I've tried that, he then denies being il often . I need to start marking it on the calendar, which seems a bit heartless.

Oh and btw dh has not had a day off work, touch wood, other than a few days when he broke his leg and a couple of days when he was really ill with the conjunctivitis. The minor illnesses only seem to affect family

If it is causing such a problem (OP not stealth) I would mark it in a diary, keep a journal of the days he is in bed, he may not realise himself how much he is 'ill'...