to think I may have done my son a dis-service?

[MomsNatter]

My elder son (four) has always had tons of energy, bags of confidence is loud and is as stubborn as a mule. He also asks questions CONSTANTLY and about everything (which I know I shouldn't discourage). He also may have a hearing problem which we're getting looked at which means I spend a lot of time repeating myself. He is also the most generous, affectionate and lovely son that I could ever wish for.

The unreasonable bit is this. I'm not naturally blessed with patience but, as you'd expect with a four year old, he needs a lot of it. For months on end I have been doing really well talking calmly and patiently to him and repeating myself and handling him in a way that I know will get the best from him. However, I've needed to get rid of my frustrations somehow so I've been venting to relatives about what hard work he is.

I now feel really guilty as both my inlaws and my mum seem to think he is naughty and that i'm too soft on him. My dad adores him and has a similar approach to him as me but even he seems to be getting tired of the constant negotiations.

Both sets of parents have said that their boys (i.e. my husband and brother) were never like this. However, I know from posts on here that he is not unusual.

So have I been unreasonable to highlight all the difficult parts of my son's behaviour or are my realtives unreasonable and expect too much from him?

(It may be that he actually is naughty and I'm just biased, but honestly in my heart of hearts I don't think he is)

It totally depends. Does he expect attention straight away and get upset/angry if he doesn't get it? If you ask him to stop asking questions will he stop, or will he just keep on talking regardless?

give him a big love and keep on doing what you're doing. explain to him about other people and their expectations of behaviour. keep a mental note of all the good things about him and tell the grandparents.n offload about how hard it is here, where there's no come-back that might affect him. this is just a blip. you are a very caring mummy. well done. give him a cuddle. i like him already.

Hi Momsnatter, don't be so hard on yourself. I honestly think that our parents and grandparent have selective memory sometimes. Everyone need to vent also your son has a hearing issue which you are dealing with and asking questions is part of a health Childs development. Try saying I don't need to judged I just need you to listen. Your Ds sounds lovely.

Cailin, tbh it had never occurred to me to tell him to stop asking questions. If I need to concentrate on something else I'll usually say "just a minute" or if I'm tired I'll tell him to be quiet but I've never told him not to as a way to behave iyswim? Sometimes when I can't answer him he'll accept it but more often than not he'll keep asking until he gets an answer.

Thanks lovebunny. good tip about coming on here.

Nonio. Yes agree with the selective memory thing. Both my husband and brother are shy types but they must have had their moments!

Honestly, it sounds to me like he needs slightly tougher boundaries. He sounds like a gorgeous little thing but if even his adoring grandfather is getting tired of "negotiating" with him then I think you're doing him a disservice by not teaching him how to behave appropriately in social situations. He is at a good age to start learning about appropriate interaction with others - stopping talking if the other person is not interested, not expecting immediate attention and answers etc. Also at his age there should be some small amount of choice and negotiation in his day but most things should be pretty clear cut and there shouldn't be a constant battle to get him to do as he's told.

Is he slow to heed what he's told (hearing problems aside)?

Yes he is. I think the crux of it is my DS2 is 18 months old. He has only just started walking so I've had to carry him around alot and when I do this DS1 gets very loud and silly in order to get attention. (So if I tell him not to do something he does it even more.) When I have the energy I deal with this by giving him positive attention. I think my mum disagrees with this and thinks I'm indulging him. She could be right. I honestly don't know. Perhaps I should brace myself for a few weeks of discipline (it makes DS1 ten times worse at the time but maybe it will have an effect if I stick at it).

I think if you're spending ALL day pandering to one child then that's too much. BUt if he's able to entertain himself for a while, then fine...he's just fine as he is.

I would suggest that alot of his behaviour 'problems' (if there are any!) are related to his problem hearing which will be immensely frustrating for him, especially if he is having difficulties communicating properly.
I dont suggest letting him get away with anything, but you might find you need to make a few small allowances here and there to accomodate this while you get this looked into by a specialist.
Do you have consistent rules and boundaries, and set realistic expectations for his age? Routines tend to work wonders with most children so they know what they are supposed to be doing and when.

PS- my children were never very good with comments like, 'in a minute' or 'just a sec' etc as its vague and they have no concept of when that means. I try to be specific, like, I will get you a drink when i have finished unpacking the shopping, or i need to iron 2 more shirts then we can sit and play...that way they can actually see progress and understand how long it will be.

Can I just mention that I spend most of my time thinking I've let my DC's down in one way or another?
I thought feeling guilty was par for the course!

Spoken, no not all day but ever since a little baby he hasn't been interested in toys unless someone's playing with him. My youngest will already play on his own more.
whf that's interesting about 'in a minute'. I'll try and be more specific.
I guess I'll wait and see about his hearing before coming up with strategies (it may yet just be that he's busy thinking about other things as his hearing seems to come and go.) I can then be clear with my folks as to why I'm doing things the way I am.

Answering endless questions is normal imo. It wouldn't cross my mind to tell any of my children not to ask them!

The hearing problem could be the reason why you have to repeat yourself or it might be that because of that, you've 'allow yourself' to be softer. Because it's impossible to say so atm, I would carry on as you do and see what happens when this hearing issue gets sorted.

When you speak to a child never ever tell what they shouldn't do. Tell them what they should do (It's all about the fact that if I tell you not to think about a pink bear, that's the image that will come up to your mind).

Re your family, I think their reaction will also depend on the way you have been venting and the words you used. But as a general rule, I would say follow your instincts. If you genuinely think you are doing for the best, carry on :)

My 4 year old has speech problems and is like your son, headstrong, loud, but can also be very loving. My mil thinks he is naughty. According to her my dh was never like that.

However my dh says he can clearly remember being that age (before he started school and went everywhere with his mum. In his own words he was a "little shit"

I think people often romanticise their memories :)

He doesn't sound too different to my almost 5yo, I'd loose the plot if I didn't vent to my mum, luckily he's her pfb grandchild so can do no wrong, but its exhausting and hard work.

I agree about the selective memory, we all have it

Grandparents= rose tinted glasses. All children have their moments!

Sounds like he needs firmer boundaries though. You can still be kind and fair whilst being firm and matter of fact. Instead of in a min try after I've done xxx we can do xxx. Or set an egg timer and tell him once it goes off the TV is turned off and he needs to put his shoes on etc. Get eye contact and tell him a direction whilst having his full attention.