To want a bit of time to myself?

[SophieLeGiraffe]

Love DH and DS to the ends of the earth. Starting to love my new house because DH and I have spent so much time and effort since we moved in in May to make it lovely (hated it unexpectedly when we moved in). Obviously DH has done most of this as he is far far better at DIY than me and so I have been instructing and then looking after DS pretty much on my own at weekends after working FT. I don't want to spend less time with DS but it seems that I have been doing everything to the point where I have had to ask DH to watch DS for five minutes so I can go to the toilet. I end each Sunday, like now, completely run ragged and more knackered than I was on Friday.

I'm not denying DH hasn't been working hard but clearly he doesn't DIY 24 Hours a day and gets to sit down and go to the toilet whenever he wants. When you're in sole charge of a 16 mo that's obviously not an option!

How can I shift things a little so I don't get so ragged at the end of the weekend? I asked DH to do DSs bath tonight so they could spend some time together and I could have a break. He was back within 15mins cos he needed to do his Euro fantasy football and then, obviously watch the final. I have literally done nothing for myself. I am also supporting a friend through a traumatic experience which I know has a bearing on how I feel.

Obviously I'm having a rant but am Ii being unreasonable?

YANBU

Can you tell DH how you're feeling? It must be hard with no help at the weekend. Maybe the DIY could go on hold for a couple of weeks, or is there still lots of work left to do?

Yanbu. I really feel for you.

YANBU

YANBU unreasonable. Everyone needs some time to themselves, no matter how much you adore your DS.

Could you try and have a conversation about it - but when you are not stressed or tired, so it can be more rational? I have this issue a little with my DP, and I found a preemptive conversation was easier as I didn't (quite ) feel like having a massive whine at him. He may just not fully realise and if you don't ask him often to take over, then he may not understand how much you need some time off.

I'd also think about what might help you, and ask him to do something specific. My DP responds better to specifics i.e. if you could wash and make up the bottles if you see x amount empty, or could you take DD for a walk for an hour.

Are there any DIY tasks that you think you could do, or that you might enjoy doing, so that you can swap? I never thought I would say it, but I'm almost happy to do an hour of housework as long as DP has taken DD out of the house and I am doing the housework without juggling baby too.

Also, could you maybe ask him to give you a whole morning/afternoon off next weekend, so you could go shopping, have a haircut, do something out of the house and alone that you enjoy?

Good luck - and don't feel bad about whining, you are so not being U.

With a 16mo you should certainly be able to get some time for yourself. It's not the same as having a newborn.

Don't ask for time off. Tell him you're off for a few hours on Saturday (or whenever suits you). DIY can wait sometimes! And don't spend your time to yourself doing housework - that's not time off!

.

Fliss - d'you know, before I had DD I would NEVER have considered doing housework 'time off'! But being at home with a v little one has done some odd things to me. Washing up with no crying or feeding has become a wonderful experience But yes, OP, with your DD 16mo you should certainly be in a position to have time to yourself. Perhaps telling is the way forward, just tell him you are going out for a morning?

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Tell your dp that this Saturday/Sunday whatever suits best for YOU, he will be looking after ds for the morning/afternoon.

Them take yourself off to whatever you want to do for those hours you deserve...

If it was me, I would be booking myself into the local beauty salon for a couple of hours pampering......

I think he will really appreciate just how much you do when he is left with the little one, but make sure as soon as you get back he must get on with the DIY not relax....I'm sure that evening he will really feel tired.

Repeat most weekends until the message gets through. That way you are still doing 3/4 childcare at weekends (allowing him to do the DIY you greatly appreciate) but youl should not have to do it all...............

YANBU

I threw a bit of a wobbler this afternoon because I just wanted to go for a wee on my own, but DD who is 3 has basically decided not to let me out of her sights all weekend

Nelly until recently I thought that, with 11wo DS and 2yo DD - but then I read Wifework and realised that housework is NOT time off, DH wouldn't see it as time off for him so I refuse to see it as time off for me!

Oh thank you all so much! I threw a wobbler a few weekends ago. Well, in a passive aggressive way and last weekend was better but back to the old this weekend. I think also just some time together would be good as we have had none at all recently.

I just would like to eat a meal or drink a cup of tea or go for a run without military planning. Today in my down time I drank a smoothie and mowed the lawn/sorted out the garden then that was it, DS didn't nap again (unusual) and I had to do him plus all the cooking, cleaning and housework. And I am supposed to be researching for an interview Tuesday. I am not, I am drinking wine and MNing.

No other way to sort this out though than wait till we're both not ctired and then chat I guess. And actually I think he will be alone with him for a fair chunk next weekend anyway so...

Oh and no, I can't do any of the DIY, really not worth my time, both control freaks, both perfectionists only one of us capable!

flisspaps is absolutely right. tell him that he is looking after ds. don't ask.

I can fully empathise. DIY is a "big", visible thing - and one that is potentially dangerous to attempt to combine with childcare. It also happens to be something that the man in this partnership is far better at. Normal day to day housework that needs to be done but is only ever noticed if it's not done, and can feasibly be done (albeit more slowly and less thoroughly ime) with a toddler in tow.

Can you talk to your DH about prioritising the DIY jobs and accepting that the whole project of perfecting your home will take longer than he would have liked, so that he can maintain a good relationship with his family? And keep you sane.

And 16 mo - that was about the age my DD went to one nap. But, she gets easier to deal with all the time (i.e. less likely to hurt herself when out of arm's reach for a millisecond).

Good luck.

YANBU

My husband is a bit like yours; he is DIY mad and will just embark on some project or another at weekends, whilst assuming I will watch the DCs and do everything necessary to keep the house ticking over.

Sometimes now when he starts to embark on a project I tell him 'i won't be able to provide childcare whilst you do it, so you'll need to arrange for my parents or yours to have the DCs'. This often prompts him to have a weekend off DIY so i can do as I please OR he arranges childcare so I still get some me time.

It's kind of my fault so I find it hard to say anything since it is for me that he is pushing so hard to get everything done. It's just I didn't appreciate I would be entirely on my own with DS. But I can hardly say "No dammit do all the DIY and not anything for you" because then we're both miserable which isn't the plan! I do try to make the best of it, for example, I sometimes go running with the pram whilst DH is out or we go to the swings or for brunch. I know DH is missing out on all that so I guess it goes both ways.

Anyway, I'm sure it will all be fine and I am glad I was able to have a little rant here rather than at DH. In a few weeks the house will be fixed up and we can get back to normal. My Mum is here in a few weeks too so I think I will give her the baby and go out on my own for a few hours. It was actually one of my major concerns when pregnant as I like having time to myself and knew having a baby would make that far less possible. The other weekend after non-stop with DS I literally said to DH who was trying to talk about something utterly random "Please just go away for ten mins. I just need ten mins to drink this wine and read this book and not have to think". It's this stuff no one tells you about isn't it.