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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry/worried that my sons mum is in a relationship with an abusive man?

26 replies

Shoesme · 01/07/2012 20:34

Short of it is my ex and I have a 1 year old son, we get on, share custody etc.

The problem I have is that she is with a man that has been both physically and mentally abusive to her on more than one occasion an and also did something sexually to her against her will. These are the things she has told me and on a couple of occasions I have stayed at hers because of the abuse from her partner. This all happened in the space of a few months.

Now she seems happy and hasn't told me about anything else happening but now she just expects me to forget what happened and to just get over the fact that this man will be part of my sons life.

Opines?

Thank you x

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Original poster

Shoesme · 01/07/2012 20:47

Let me just add a bit more detail, the reason I am confused about everything is at the time of the abuse she never went into detail apart from it being physical/emotional.

Now she is happy she has said, when I bring up the fact that I'm not happy with the situation, that things aren't black and white, he's a good dad to his children etc and that she enjoyed whatever happened sexually, it was a very different story 3 months ago.

I'm just very confused as to what I can do.

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GailTheGoldfish · 01/07/2012 20:49

Just wanted to bump this for you really, it sounds like a very hard situation. I would keep a record of everything that she has told you as hopefully one day she may be strong enough to report what he has done to the police. Hopefully someone will be along soon with better advice but you sound like a good person and I hope your DS so OK. Sorry I can't help more.

Babylon1 · 01/07/2012 20:53

How old is your son?

If you're worried for his safety you have a duty of care to report your concerns. As for his mum, you can't make her do anything but just be there for her.

WorraLiberty · 01/07/2012 20:55

the reason I am confused about everything is at the time of the abuse she never went into detail apart from it being physical/emotional

She must have gone into some detail surely?

MsIngaFewmarbles · 01/07/2012 20:55

Sadly unless you feel its affecting your DS there is nothing you can do. Perhaps make it clear that you are available if she needs you and then keep quiet. If you keep pushing thwn she may shut down making it more difficult for you to monitor potwntial further problems. I know its tough, been there and done it with DSDs mum.

tittytittyhanghang · 01/07/2012 20:56

What Gail said, keep a record of it. I would think it unlikely that this was a one off incident. DO you think your DS is at risk? If so, in your position I wouldn't hesitate to contact SS, even just to alert them and ask for more advie. Im not sure what stance SS take on it, I haven't been through it personally, but imo children growing up with dv are the ones most likely to continue this cycle into adulthood (this is just my opinion based on several people i know), like a viscous circle. I can tell you my neighbour has had her children taken into care, and I believe part of it was that they were in a very unstable household and were witnessing dv on a regular basis. At the very least, its not fair for children growing up surrounded by it.

hermioneweasley · 01/07/2012 20:58

If I shared custody of my child with someone who had a violent partner, I would be pushing for sole custody/ supervised visits.

tittytittyhanghang · 01/07/2012 21:01

^^ I would be doing this as well.

Original poster

Shoesme · 01/07/2012 21:03

My son is 1 year old, sorry if my post is a bit rambling.

One occasion of the abuse is that they had an argument and he grabbed both of her arms and shook her about because she wanted to walk away from him, it was enough to bruise both of her arms.

It does sound strange that I don't have much information of what abuse happened but she never really went into much detail so I just did my best to support her without wanting to know exactly what happened.

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Original poster

Shoesme · 01/07/2012 21:14

I'm not sure if my DS is at risk, his mum doesn't think he is. Outside of the abuse her partner seems like a normal fella, works as a teacher, is a good dad etc.

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WhiteWidow · 01/07/2012 21:16

Oh what an awful situation for you to be in :(

I'd be pushing for custody, also making a record of everything that goes on. There's so little you can do :(

lopopo · 01/07/2012 21:36

I had a friend who was being physically and emotionally abused by her husband. When he was violent she would confide in me a little about what had happened. Then when they were having a good patch she would pretend nothing had ever happened. Total denial - she would get upset because some of her friends didn't want anything to do with him. She appeared not to understand why. It was very strange.

They have split permanently now - thank goodness.

It sounds as if your son's mother is doing something similar at the moment. But I'm afraid her partner will be abusive again even if things have improved temporarily. This does impact directly on your son - he is likely to witness this abuse.

I think you need some expert advice about what to do next.

You could try www.womensaid.org.uk/

They also have a 24hr helpline free on 0808 2000 247

I think you 100% right to be worried and concerned about this as abuse always escalates.

Original poster

Shoesme · 01/07/2012 21:44

Lopopo - Thank you, yes this is exactly what it is like. That's what's so confusing about it all. Obviously I care about her getting hurt too but now she's acting like it's no big deal and I'm kind of in the wrong for bringing my worries up.

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Original poster

Shoesme · 01/07/2012 21:47

Also thank you to everyone else, I was worried about posting it, because from her point of view it's no big deal now.so lm just left confused and worried.

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bobbledunk · 01/07/2012 21:49

I'd get legal advice before doing anything. Of course you're not being unreasonable to be angry and worried, it's her job to protect her son and she is failing him and putting him in danger by bringing a violent man into the home. You need to do everything in your power to get full custody of your son if that is possible.

FreudianSlipper · 01/07/2012 21:53

how worrying for you :(

i agree get in touch with womens aid they will be able to give you advice

dv relationships are very complex. i am sure much of the time he is nice and loving but he will be abusive again and it is likely to get worse and she needs to understand that and the impact it will have on your son but that has to come from her understanding not everyone else telling her that she is in the wrong (she will already feel that from him) i really feel sorry for you. i would also get in touch with a solicitor and could you ask her family if they have any worries. it is so difficult because what you do not want to do is push her further away (with him in the background telling her you and others are trying to break them up)

Dawndonna · 01/07/2012 21:59

My mother got away with abuse for years, she was a headteacher, and that's the reason why. Not becuase she was clever, just because she had the right job, the right accent and could string a sentence together.

Original poster

Shoesme · 01/07/2012 22:02

I doubt her family know about the abuse and I don't see them anymore, not because we don't get on or anything but my ex feels we can't be friends because she's in a relationship so everything is just about our DS, which is fine, just a shame our DS has two separate families.

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sheeesh · 01/07/2012 22:20

Actually there is something you can do. If a child is witnessing DV then SS consider the child to be at risk. SS can get involved and provide support to help the abused partner leave the relationship and in extreme cases can advise that if the abuser is not removed from the home then further action will be taken to remove the child from the home.

Bottom line is if a child is witnessing DV, SS could consider them at risk.

Obviously support is the first step but you are not powerless and support is out there.

soozeedol · 01/07/2012 22:55

I would be tempted to go detective a bit...does this new partner have any history of negative behaviour and violence?...does he have any kids elsewhere that he can't or doesn't see. XW or partner elsewhere?

Can't people ask the local police about these things when your child is coming into contact with a possible criminal with possible history....I'm sure you can make an application for this to be done. Though I can't say exactly how you go about this....search internet for advice...ask on another thread here somewhere???

I hate to suggest this but do you think it may be possible that your XW is too scared/worried about telling you/anybody?...could this person be threatening her into silence?....I really don't know what help at this time SS would be if your XW is in denial or hiding the truth...and could spell problems for her if this partner found out she'd been talking to someone, etc and she may be very angry and negative towards you if you did this...could make trouble getting access and keeping things on a good level between you.....is there a mutual friend of you both who may be trusted and may be of some help, talk to her, etc and feed back to you

I'm sorry I think you may have to bide your time for evidence or wait for her to say more to you....let her know you would never see her stuck or alone if she needs help anytime....try not to get too concerned for your DC...at 1yr old won't witness and understand what may be seen, may cry with fright at raised voices but is very unlikely to remember situation or whatever....keep an eye on DC physically and question any bumps, etc...at 1yr old they are falling trying to walk/run etc

not an easy situation for you but keep talking and try to think through things before you do anything.

thekidsrule · 01/07/2012 23:09

Lopopo has expressed this very well

believe you me this will not be a one of and will continue

she sounds like she is in a classic "abusive relationship" and shes in the cycle of abuse,

you are very right to be concerned,please maybe contact womens aid etc,what a terrible situation for you and your child

Original poster

Shoesme · 01/07/2012 23:10

I'm really not sure if her boyfriend has a history of abusive behaviour, he has an ex wife and they have 2 children together which he does see. My DS mum and him did split up a bit ago and from what she said her friends were glad they did because he was possessive. When she did confide in me she'd do it secretly because he'd be "very angry" that we were in contact outside of discussing our DS.

She has told me, today, not to speak to her about it again so I think in her mind it's sorted.

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thekidsrule · 01/07/2012 23:14

also if the police get called,say an assault takes place the police will take a dim view and report the incident to social services

although over a two year period police were called to a house 5 times and each time a letter was sent from social services saying if the victim needed help to phone them,basically a bog standard letter they never actually came around

maybe it was dependent on the scale of seriousness and they deemed it not serious enough to visit

thekidsrule · 01/07/2012 23:16

sorry but she is showing classic behaviour of a abused women,wether physical or mental

IMO

you are very right to be concerned and vigilant

Original poster

Shoesme · 02/07/2012 10:19

I guess all I can do is look into information about what my options are and keep an eye on her and my son without being too forceful about the issue.

Thank you for all your replies, you have been a great help.

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