to not want my house to be exactly like my MIL's?

[fairyfriend]

My MIL has a bit of an obsession with decor. Everything in her house has to match, she decorates each room every year and always has to have the most expensive of everything. Now don't get me wrong, her house is lovely, and I actually quite like her taste. But she does go a bit overboard.

My problem is this- once she finds something she likes, she decides that it is absolutely the 'best' one of it's kind, and nothing else will do. So if she spots a green lacy cushion in John Lewis, she will buy several of them. Any room that can possibly match with green will get this particular cushion. All older, now inferior cushions will be chucked out. If there's a room in my house that is green, I'll get one as a gift on my next birthday. If my living room is a different colour, then she'll see if the shop do the same range in that colour. (Or try to convince me my living room should be green)

Last christmas, she asked if there was anything for the house we'd like as a gift. We told her that a rug for the living room would be lovely. She bought us a very nice brown rug. After christmas we discovered that she had it in her own house too. And a green one in her bedroom. And she'd bought a blue one for BIL.

I've managed to resist-to an extent-so far, by simply not always displaying the things she gives me. And by giving her specifics when she offers things. My two SIL's houses are almost exact replicas of hers, though.
This is not one or two things, I can't emphasise that enough.

So now she's been on holiday and bought me a beautiful ornament as a present. It's lovely. I actually saw one the other day in a shop and liked it. But it is exactly like the one she has in her kitchen. And I just want my house to be my own, not the same as hers.

I'm very grateful that she gets us things, and they are often lovely things...but it's just a bit...much , you know?

YANBU does she live near you? Next time she asks just ask for the smallest item you can think of, keep everything in a cupboard and only bring it out when she visits. I don't think there is any way of tactfully telling her unless you choose exact things you want her to get you like a specific rug from laura ashley catalogue or that kind of thing.

YANBU, but it's tricky isn't it? Just know that if she redecorates often she very likely won't be bothered if you do too! Having your own things in your own house is extremely reasonable, but appreciating her taste and thoughtfulness is good too. I would just accept the gifts she gives, and display them how/if you choose. Perhaps you feel that green cushions go really well in the blue room!
And don't feel bad about giving them away and saying that you really wanted to go for a new look in there....
She should understand that if she is a true fashonista!

She sounds very well-meaning - but is clearly not thinking things through. Just be honest with her - pick your moment, do lots and lots of gratitude for the lovely things first, and then just say you really want to develop your own style and taste. Or maybe ask her when she first became interested in home decor etc and say how you'd like to learn and experiment as she has.

Plan B is that you never need anything for the house and only ever need makeup/books/plants. Steer her firmly in a different direction.

It does sound annoying, but also it seems like she's basically just trying to be really nice to you by giving you things that she things are the best possible items she can find.

I have a similar problem with my MIL, who is an amateur painter. 80% of the paintings on our walls are her art. There is barely room for anything else, such is the constant flow of canvases from her to us. But I know she is doing it to try to be nice.

Even if she does give you a lot of gifts, I can't imagine how your house could ever end up as a "replica" of hers - surely even imagining four or five gifts per year, the amount of furniture/decoration that you have that isn't picked by her must overshadow the gifts she gives you?

This post did make me smile though. Your MIL sounds like quite a character ;-)

I make it clear when things are not to my taste. MIL once decided to buy us a light fitting. We asked to go with her to choose it and she agreed that was the best idea.
Cut to a week later, and she turned up on my door step with one identical to hers. It was brass, and I had lost count of the number of times we had said we wanted chrome/ silver everything. I said "Thank you for the kind thought, but it is not what we had in mind, and it won't look right as everything else is chrome."
MIL sulked a bit, but realised it is mine and DH's home and what we want goes. She got her money back and we bought our own lightfitting.
Now if they decide to buy us anything they get DH to look at it first. Then if I hate it it's DH's fault! lol

It would drive me nuts. When she asks what you need/she can buy for you say " oh that's lovely, but we really don't need anything, thanks for thinking of us though" then switch straight to " would you like some tea?" to move the conversation along.

Riverboat, the houses end up as a replica for a few reasons! Partly because of the presents. Partly because she redecorates the house so often that she always has surplus stuff, which she dumps on someone as soon as possible, so one of my SILs has all her 'old kkitchen stuff (which had to go because the microwave had a scratch on it) and most of her old living room furniture. Another SIL has her 'old' sofa. With cushions and a rug to match exactly like hers.
She is also very bossy and opinionated. One of my SIL's was round here a few weeks back working herself into a tizzy because she'd painted her hall a different shade of cream to the one MIL had chosen.

I can't see the problem myself.

People sometimes give us gifts that we don't necessarily like (though it sounds like you do actually like her gifts? ) .

That's life.

Omg, this is my mil too. It goes through to clothes too, if she wears navy trousers, she also wears navy shoes and maybe one other colour top, but only really two colours. Yesterday it was coral and cream.
It drives me mad, and I am the total opposite, the least matchy personae ever, and her being like this makes me worse.
,,,.,.,so I feel for you.

Sorry I ranted then.

Could you start doing it back to her? Buying her copies of things from your house?

"if she wears navy trousers, she also wears navy shoes"

to be fair, I would have to do that too, as I think black or brown with navy trousers looks really wrong...

I can't see the problem if you like the stuff she brings.

My Dad was a bit like that a shopaholic, symptom of bipolar.

He would decide someone needed something and buy it for them, it would be lovely.

He didn't get his control freak mh issues were his stuff.

I hate green everyone knows this, he didn't it would seem. He bought me a full dinner service from Debenhams bit by bit, it was some brand my exsil liked, so it was collected for me too, she liked blue so got what she wanted. I got a call to collect this service as he had no room to store it. I was an ungrateful bitch apparently, as I refused it.

For me it was the final straw, I got someone else's dream and I would have to listen to how mean exsil was for not buying him stuff back, i would have to store shit stuff and take it out every time he came and live a lie. I couldn't do it anymore. I haven't seen him in years, it was after a lifetime of that crap.

My parents are a bit like this - they always have to hVe the best of everything and then they spend ages and ages banging on about how it is the best and everything else is inferior. They are like this with food, clothes and home wear. I love them dearly but I find it quite a snobby and shallow way to be.

They really can't see why anyone would ever want to be different to them either so how they 'do' things is (according to them) the 'proper' way and everyone else is judged on how closely their life resembles their own.

It was so typical he would make sure others got what they wanted, he would take time to know what they wanted. That green service was so typical, that he didn't care what his only daughter liked and he never took the time to want to know what I liked.

Op your nil has issues if she behaves like you describe.

Learn how to say 'well I can see that it is very nice for you and your house but I think that it's just too stepford / identical to your house / etc but it's just a bit hmmm well mumsy/granny-ish for me and not really my taste, but I can see how it is perfect for you and your home' - all said very nicely with a big smile on your face so she can see it's not designed to be said to hurt her or her bloomin' annoying sense of I have the best sense of style in the world and to validate that I will impose it on others feelings.

I'd also start getting crafty and changing anything she gives you, even if you don't like the thing or your own efforts, so if she says anything you can say 'I know it's different but I looked aty house after being at your house the other day and realised that there's so much identical matching stuff here that it was beginning to feel like I was inyour house not mine!!!'

Could you not say "If I keep taking all these presents from you our house will look more like yours than ours! It's kind, but no thanks."

YABU not displaying a gift you like & would have bought yourself just cos she has one too!!!

Redhelen, I will display it, it's lovely! But even my DS noticed. He's 7. He doesn't notice anything, ever. But he said, 'ooh, that's the same as nanny's one'.

She is controlling, lots of posters have that spot on. She also does this weird thing where she discovers things she likes and then acts like she's always loved them.

So for example, there's a lovely shop near us that sells homeware type things. I distinctly remember her first discovering it, only a year or 2 ago. But to hear her talk to people, you'd believe that she'd shopped there all her life.

I know a lot of this sounds petty, but it's hard to convey how much of it there is.

Hmm when i lived near my mil for few months it was like this every day: 'i bought bargain spinach here have one too', 'peppers were half price so i got 3 for you aswell'... Same problem, different class? I would prefer expensive rugs and cushions.

YANBU though. It must be tiring.