to think that if ds's dad wants to add up how much he spends on ds

[Charliefarlie1192]

then I should start doing it and show him exactly how much it costs to raise a child?

Ex has refused maintenance this week on the grounds that he (voluntarily) bought ds new clothes (primark clothes which probably only came to £15 anyway - he is meant to give me £45)

AIBU to think he needs to get in the real world - I dont tally up my spends on ds as its just a part of my life that I dont even think about!

I have told him that his maintenance this week was for shopping and I am skint otherwise (true) and in that case he can keep ds until next friday as I cant afford to feed him (feel terrible but ds will be fine)

Why don't you have him give you your payments through CSA. They wont let him dock what he buys for your DS off the payments. He has no right to buy and dock anything for your son without consulting and getting agreement from you.

What a wanker.

Three words.

Child Support Agency!

Then he can't muck you around.

I get where you are coming from, but unless you are going through the CSA where your ex has no say on how much he pays, and cannot take any deductions from the maintenance, then there isn't a lot you can do to make him understand your position. By all means, insist he keeps your DS for another week, but I suspect the 'deductions' will simply continue and this would just be the start of a tit for tat 'war' between you both. Cut to the chase and just go to the CSA. Saves a whole lot of hassle all round, and you can avoid these types of arguments with your ex. It sounds to me like he doesn't actually want to 'get' it, and no matter what you say or do, you'll be wasting your energy with him. CSA. Only logical solution to this kind of situation.

I went to the CSA after my ex decided that I could do without the maintenance we agreed on, as he'd not been paying his council tax and got a whole wad taking out of his wages in one go. He'd been warned that if he messed about with money once that would be what I'd do, and I was true to my word. My ex has 'form' for fucking up his money, and no way was I going to give him the idea that maintenance was optional and not important.

Looks like it's unanimous then!

Urgh exes. Yes go through the CSA. Count yourself lucky, my ex works fulltime wasn't paying maintanence and still threatened to take half the benefits I receive for the 4dc and have them suspended! He is rather subdued now the CSA are involved.

The thing is, I have tried going down the CSA route in the past but he works for himself and simply doesnt declare all his income, claiming he only earns £100 ish per week - and I HAVE reported him in the past for this also, even gave his van reg number!

The thing is, I have tried going down the CSA route in the past but he works for himself and simply doesnt declare all his income, claiming he only earns £100 ish per week - and I HAVE reported him in the past for this also, even gave his van reg number!

Then you need to escalate it. There are things they can do in such circumstances. It's just they're slow to get the ball rolling.

Try this tried and tested technique: Tell you ex-p to open an account for your child and put money as he see's fit into there, that way every transaction is recorded when you child is older they can see how much parent thought they were worth. My friend did this and funnily enough the payments doubled.

The CSA can deal with that. They can look at his lifestyle v his declared earnings and if the one doesn't match the other - they can look further into it.

Alternatively you can alert HMRC to his business practises.

HMRC & CSA
Send a letter (the same one copied to both - short and factual). Problem is the lack of staff and length of time it takes to investigate.

Shera04 - sounds like a excellent idea.

thanks all