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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I stay or Should I go?

25 replies

Serendipity30 · 01/07/2012 14:58

I know this is not strictly AIBU but i have moved this to here from relationships as there is more traffic and I will get honest opinions, fast.

Name changed for this, and would love some honest replies eek.

I have had an on and off relationship with my boyfriend for eight years. It at times can be a volatile relationship and prior to now he did not want to commit to me for various reasons.We recently got back together after I ended the relationship for s year. There was no contact during this time. Since we have restarted the relationship he has been saying and doing all the right things to show commitment to me, but because of past issues I am not as forthcoming. Sometimes I think we could be great together at other times I think not.

To complicate things I have a DD (maury voice: he is not the father) and he has two children from his previous relationship. He has never been formerly introduced to my DD and I have been extra careful to see him without her around as I don't want her to be involved and get hurt in a unstable situation. My boyfriend states he wants to marry me in the long term but there's another issue, he is a non practicing muslim and I am a Christian. I am not willing to to marry him partly for this reason and partly because I have no interest in marriage,

If you managed to read all that, thanks.

Any reply's will be helpful

OP posts:

RubyFakeNails · 01/07/2012 15:04

Ok so not marriage but what commitment are you looking for from him? To me the fact he want sto marry you means he is trying to commit although the proof may be in the pudding. Does he show he is committed rather than just saying he wants to marry you?

Have you considered something like a holiday or living together?

Original poster

Serendipity30 · 01/07/2012 15:07

We have never been on holiday or lived together. Other than saying he's committed I have not seen any long term proof other than current behavior.
That's why I'm still a bit

OP posts:

JellyMould · 01/07/2012 15:08

8 years and you haven't introduced him to DD yet? I think you should be honest with yourself and to him that you don't see a future with him.

babyheaves · 01/07/2012 15:12

Give it up.

If you really wanted to be together and be committed to each other then you would have done it already.

The fact that he's not met your DD at all during an 8 year relationship should tell you what you need to know about whether this is a relationship with a future.

RubyFakeNails · 01/07/2012 15:12

It's not that I don't understand your post but I'm still trying to work out the main issues, are these:

He's is Muslim you are Christian- how much of an issue is this?
Lack of commitment from him
You are scared of committing- but both seem to want to?
You both have children- why if you have been together so long have you not introduced each other?
You have broken up in the past due to a volatile relationship- is it still volatile?

Original poster

Serendipity30 · 01/07/2012 15:26

Sorry I tend to ramble, so i'll point out pro's and cons as i see them at the moment.

Pro: We get on really well always have have done most of the time
We have a similar sense of humor. He's kind and loving and is really family orientated. He has strong values although I don't agree with all of them. He respects me and my views and regardless of how I may act, strangely he still loves me. Ok, now to the main issues.

Cons:

Due to his Religion he has very specific idea's of the role of women in a relationship, this has been a contentious issue throughout our whole relationship. He thinks he should have the leading role in the relationship. He has traditional views of gender roles. He has also always wanted us to get married from early on of which I said hell no.

RubyFakeNails Religion was a major issue before as he was a practicing muslim, he has now had a crisis of faith although he wont say why. At the time in order to marry as he wanted I would have to convert.

The other issue was his commitment issues, on one hand he would tell me he wanted marriage on the other hand his behavior with his ex did not show it.

JellyMould I know

I am scared of commiting as dd's father is not involved and I dont want to introduce her to someone im not sure of. When he seperated from his ex she did not allow him to see the kids regularly for two years, so my intro would have made things worse

OP posts:

RightBuggerforit · 01/07/2012 15:34

After 8 years it's time to shit or get off the pot. You don't sound that keen and the relationship doesn't sound that great (no 'we love each other very much' or 'we make each other happy' etc). Is it more of a comfort blanket until something better or more convenient comes along? In which case ditch it - it's probably the thing getting in the way of that happening. If he isn't the one for you then you have already wasted 8 years of both of your lives - move on!

RubyFakeNails · 01/07/2012 15:38

I think you need to work out what you want, and present this to him. He should also do the same with you. Your expectations of eachothershould be clear from the outset.

Maybe you should test the waters of commitment? What ever a basic or next level of commitment is to you you could try this. If you then feel the relationship has a future could you not introduce min to your dd as a friend?

I'd be inclined to give it a go but I'm clearly in the minority. I tend to believe in relationships and fate and things like that. I have friends who are married to Muslim men who have fund an equilibrium in their views. My dh and I are not the same religion and it just means we talk things through more as some things are issues to us that the other did not foresee.

Original poster

Serendipity30 · 01/07/2012 15:58

RightBuggerforit Is it more of a comfort blanket until something better or more convenient comes along? I think you may be right, I guess i've always thought better the devil i know as being with dd's father was hell and traumatic for me. That relationship made it very hard to trust, which made the relationship volatile. It's not volatile now, but i still feel insecure.

RubyFakeNails he said that there is a reason we keep coming back to each other, so we need to try and make a proper go pf it at least once or we will never know. He says that when things get serious i always back away.

We started discussing our expectations the other night, and he was saying that i broke up with him last year as I was in the final year of my studies, (partially true as i felt things weren't going anywhere). He says he understood this, but now he is studying that's his main priority so again our relationship is not main prority .

OP posts:

RubyFakeNails · 01/07/2012 16:07

Well him making a go of it and prioritising his studies aren't compatible but also if you aren't living together or doing anything to commit it is difficult to make it his first priority in my opinion.

I've said I think you should work out what the next level you want from him is and then either work to achieve it or split up. If you can't even make it to the next step then I'd give it up.

Original poster

Serendipity30 · 01/07/2012 16:14

Living with him is not an option, i actually don't want that. What I want is a stable relationship. I am definately on a time limit I will give it a couple of months then it is time to move on. I love him and i know he loves me but im not willing to settle

OP posts:

lovebunny · 01/07/2012 16:15

you are not in the least interested in this man so stop wasting your time, and his.

find someone you think is worth introducing to your child. or keep your love life at arms length.

don't marry some bloke just because he thinks he wants to marry you - that isn't a good reason!

Original poster

Serendipity30 · 01/07/2012 16:23

lovebunny I have no interest in marriage, generally so wouldn't get married anyway. But he he more interested in that step than me.

As for the rest of you post , but thank you

OP posts:

RubyFakeNails · 01/07/2012 16:30

You don't want to live with him you don't want to marry him eventually I dont really see what you are seeking from him.

And I can't see what commitment you want him to make? To not want to build something together after 8 years is quite extreme to me. As I said you need to work out where you want this to go and where he wants it to go if those directions aren't compatible you can't be together.

Original poster

Serendipity30 · 01/07/2012 17:38

RubyFakeNails you've given me really good advice and alot to think about , thank you very much.

OP posts:

SoleSource · 01/07/2012 17:47

YABU to stay in this dead end relationship. Ditch it.

Viviennemary · 01/07/2012 17:49

You don't want to live with him. You haven't introduced your dd to him. Fair enough. That's your choice. So if there was more commitment in the future what would that be. Seeing more of each other, going on holiday together. Not quite sure about exactly what you mean by 'stable relationship'. I suppose it depends on how you see the years to come and where he fits in with your own plans for yourself and your DD.

Original poster

Serendipity30 · 01/07/2012 21:39

Thanks everyone, needed to hear this, it is all true. I guess I need to get my head out of the clouds it is going no where fast.

OP posts:

doggiemumma · 01/07/2012 21:44

Your relationship just sounds like a convenience - im sorry but i just don't see that you are right for each other. If you were soul mates your religions would be issues but you would find a way to work around it. I would move on before you get hurt any more, maybe stay friends? I can't see how it can be more than that (not because of the religion but the not wanting to be married, live together etc)

Original poster

Serendipity30 · 01/07/2012 22:36

doggiemumma Your right, reading it all back it sounds really shitty. I am going to text him and end it, I know its pretty cowardly to do it this way but if I call him or meet in person my resolve will go.

Have no idea what to say in the message though

OP posts:

RubyFakeNails · 01/07/2012 23:04

You are going to end an 8 year relationship through text?! I think that's highly disrespectful.

You relationship seems to suffer from a lack of clear communication, I think as the man has said he wants to marry you and has spent 8 years of his life involved with you, you could at least phone and talk to him if you can't face seeing him.

To be blunt I think you need to start being adult about this relationship, even if it's just to end it.

FootballFriendSays · 01/07/2012 23:09

You can't end an 8 year relationship by text, can you? It sounds like you don't respect him at all, so why stay together any longer? But still, by text?

doggiemumma · 01/07/2012 23:12

Nooo don't do it by text - that would just be the utmost in attention seeking! It reads like you would want him to then contact you and beg you to reconsider. That woudlnt make it ok. I just think you both need to move on - in the long run you will both be happier with someone who you really want to settle with.

Original poster

Serendipity30 · 02/07/2012 10:18

Sorry for the late reply, i went to bed in the end and didn't send anything, i've asked him to come round later today, I will tell him then. Now that I have made the decision to end things I feel much better. Thanks everyone

OP posts:

thereslovely · 02/07/2012 10:38

I don't understand how you can have a relationship with someone for 8 years & not introduce him to your daughter. Who on earth looks after your daughter when you are seeing him? (you say her father is not around.) Has he never been to your home in 8 years? Have you never spent the night together at yours or his? Where is she then? I know this must be impossible as finding it difficult to conduct a relationship with someone away from my children myself & it has only been a matter of weeks!

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