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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get cross about the whole half thing

33 replies

Socknickingpixie · 30/06/2012 21:33

if you live in the same house and have since birth and you concider yourself to be proper brothers and sisters then why would anybody challenge that.

i have a brother and sister they are mine and i love them very much, my brothers dad died befor he was born so apparently according to some people that invalidates our relationship as apparently we are only half brother and sister. i didnt even know we wernt concidered as such untill i was a grown up and would have been very hurt if it had ever been said to me,hes my big brother and thats that as far as we are both concerned.
equally as such all my children have been brought up as siblings since they were born but because one of them has a different dad people think thats ok to single one of them out as only a half sibling.
its usually formal paperwork or people who are putting a negative slant on what they are saying that do this and it really bugs me.things like 'he's only his half brother' usually said with in hearing of the kids.

its different if the child decides when there old enough to understand that they wish to use these terms.but why on earth do people think its ok to provide this family sepperation as a point of principal. i can understand it if they live in different houses or havent been treated as brother and sister and yes some brothers and sisters have different dads or mums but to my way of thinking that shouldnt impact on there ability to not only have a full and loving relationship with each other but that relationship should be able to have just as much validity to it as brothers and sisters with the exact same parents.

rant over now, so is this reasonable or not

OP posts:

MikeLitoris · 30/06/2012 21:35

Yanbu.

My ex tells our dc that my dd (with new dp) is not their 'proper' sister.

He is a twat.

ByTheSea · 30/06/2012 21:37

YANBU.

My two sons (stepsons) and my daughters are brothers and sisters. They have grown up together and that's what they are.

oreocrumbs · 30/06/2012 21:40

YANBU,

I hadn't given the issue much though untill I had DD. Watching her with DSD is amazing, those girls have 13 years and two mothers between them but such a closer, more adoring relationship I have never seen.

True sisters. I await the next few years when DD moves from cute to annoying little sister, and watching sisterly fireworks kick off.

TheWalkingDead · 30/06/2012 21:42

YADNBU

BonnieBumble · 30/06/2012 21:43

I don't like it when people refer to half brothers and sisters as step brother/sister which is factually incorrect. I don't have any full siblings, my brother and sisters are from my mothers first marriage. They have always been referred to as my brother and sisters not half anything. The other day my mum was talking about someones step sister (she was wrong the relationship was half sister) because it annoyed me I deliberately pretended that I didn't know what she meant and the conversation became very complicated. It really annoys me.

JumpingThroughHoops · 30/06/2012 21:45

Roll forward 100 years when ancestors are perusing the internet. They will only use legal terms such as half, full, step etc.

But, FWIW, it's how you view each other, your relationship TODAY (not in 100 years) that matters.

Original poster

Socknickingpixie · 30/06/2012 21:49

jumping do people who search ancestors really do it or do they just decide they are distant relatives of joan of arc. (sorry for the compleatly inane off topic diversion)

OP posts:

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 30/06/2012 21:50

YANBU

I realise different terms are sometimes needed if people want to be factual or distinguish something legally

But I really believe family ties are made not always born, if a child calls someone their brother or their sister then that is what they are, just as it is with adoption

Birdsgottafly · 30/06/2012 22:25

YANBU, when it comes to classifying yourself, but when it does come to paperwork, the distinction has to be made, otherwise you would be denying half of your genetics.

So linking two people as siblings rather than half siblings is disregardng half of their family and particulary their grandparents etc.

We have a mixed race family, some of which suffered great injustice, because of who they were, so it is important to us, to acknowledge all of the family.

Original poster

Socknickingpixie · 30/06/2012 22:30

i even get narked about the legal distinction tbh.

the only time to the best of my knowledge that the distinction is used is in family court and usually by an nrp in an attempt to try and minimise the relationship between siblings that reside under the same roof to better there own possition

OP posts:

JumpingThroughHoops · 30/06/2012 22:40

Socknickingpixie

I'm quite into geneology this week, might have lost the lure of it next week .... but I digress .... it's interesting, 150 years out of date you see the cold and clinical picture. EG The mum died, dad remarried a widow with children, they had more children. Full blood, half blood, step blood. You forget these were real people with real emotions and real blood ties.

I've said it before. I legally have a step sister. She is not my sister. I don't have a sister. Our relationship isn't that of sisters. But she is a very good friend, in fact if we died she is nominated the childrens guardian. But she isn't my sister. I'm not her sister either. I like to think as we trust and have an equitable relationship we are actually better than sisters. I adore my Step mother. But again, she isn't my mother, surrogate mother, better than that, she is my friend.

PenisVanLesbian · 30/06/2012 22:42

yanbu and yabu. People can feel however they like and refer to themselves however they like, and out of politeness people should follow their lead. But descriptions are also a matter of fact so that doesn't just disappear either.

peggyblackett · 30/06/2012 22:51

YANBU. My db is officially my half brother, but neither of us ever consider ourselves to be anything other than full brother/sister. I forget we're half siblings tbh.

skyebluesapphire · 30/06/2012 23:37

A local girl recently lost her half brother. She was about 7 when he was born and she loved him dearly as her brother. The fact he had a different father didn't come into it.

It really upset her when he died aged 21 when some people said to her, but he was only your half brother. They grew up together in the same house. He was her brother...,

Yourefired · 30/06/2012 23:45

I'm adopted, so is my brother, so no-one in my family is genetically related. Put up with this nonsense all my life: I understand. When I (as the eldest) was about to be give to my parents my nan said to my mum (her DIL) you do understand that children don't grow under your heart, they grow in your heart. There is the truth of this. People who don't get this, between parents, siblings or whatever connection are the ones missing out. Shame on them.

Original poster

Socknickingpixie · 30/06/2012 23:52

birdsgottafly
I compleatly understand what you mean and I in no way wish to negate your suituation,
my thoughts on the matter are solely with regard to how children growing up in the same house as brother/sister are able to see themselves, my brother and I had a different set of grandparents we both had 3 sets it was great I expect that was because the ones that only belonged to one of us never acted or were treated like they wernt we all loved them all lots
My children compleatly understand that they have different extended family but that in no way impacts on them being proper brother and sisters.
I didn't mean with the view of excluding any family extended or otherwise. It was more about some people viewing a half sibling as a not proper one iykwim

jumping how far back are you going or intending to befor you find a different pursuit.

OP posts:

MrsMcEnroe · 30/06/2012 23:54

Yourefired - I'm adopted too and your post is brilliant.

JeezyPeeps · 30/06/2012 23:58

There is a place for clarity where these terms are useful.

But what a shame that people are so blinkered that they can't see that more often than not the prefix is unnecessary.

Original poster

Socknickingpixie · 30/06/2012 23:58

Skye that's exactly the sort of thing I'm meaning.

penis sorry for shortening that but I always wanted a legit reason to start a post or convo with penis in bold type. I agree with you and yep it's just a description and it's factual,we can't hide from that it just bugs me when the fact is something that is used as a negative or an attempt to invalidate the quality of the relationship. It's like ok so he's my half brother but that shouldn't be used to imply or attempt to imply that he is less of a brother because of it. If that makes sense

OP posts:

Softlysoftly · 01/07/2012 00:00

Yanbu I have a "half" sister but dad brought her up from a baby (I am younger) only found out when I was about 13 and keep forgetting to this day.

I have a medical allergy, my dad and "half" sister have the same, I remember telling the doc it was probably genetic dh was a bit "erm you do know how the whole genetics thing works right?", hadn't even thought about it!

PenisVanLesbian · 01/07/2012 00:06

Thats your issue though, you don't know that people mean it in a negative way, you're assuming a lot. If I called someone your half brother it would be because he is in fact your half brother, it wouldn't contain any value judgement at all.

The other side of it is that its unfair to deny someone the rest of their family. If you insist that your half sibling is exactly the same as your full sibling you are denying half of their heritage entirely.

Original poster

Socknickingpixie · 01/07/2012 00:31

penis when somebody actually uses the sentance " but he's only her half brother" in a stroppy tone mega emphasis on the only whilst snottyly looking down there nose there whole manor making it very clear that to them this is not as important as the relationship that the two other children in the household share. I am assuming nothing.
I also made it very clear in a previous post that this was not to invalidate any extended family or nrp,I am not talking about cutting out any extended family or heritage,purely and simpley about how a child shouldn't be made to feel that a sibling is not "proper"

OP posts:

PenisVanLesbian · 01/07/2012 00:33

thats one individual. Don't extend that to anyone else who mentions it.

Some people are just twats, and if it wasn;t that it would be something else. Ignore them and don't over think it.

Viviennemary · 01/07/2012 00:38

I don't think these expressions are usually meant to hurt. I have heard older people refer to my half sister or half brother when a parent has remarried and had more children. It was just much more the custom to use these terms in years gone by. That's my opinion anyway.

Original poster

Socknickingpixie · 01/07/2012 00:40

Wow you type quick.

I only posted the question because there appear to be a lot of people who use half as a way to invalidate the relationship and use negative ways to express it,
clearly not about decent people such as yourself who merely use it as a descriptive factual term and wouldn't dream of doing so in a way that was intended to be taken as minimising

OP posts:

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