to really not want this girl in DSS's life?

[mariaca]

DSS (18), lives with us f/t. He's been going out with this girl for 2 years which is an impressive length of time for a teenage relationship. His GF is a nice girl but comes from a troubled background which has obviously left its mark (and continues to). Her homelife is very chaotic and she finds a lot of stability from DSS and to a lesser extent from us and our home. She's here all the time.

They broke up over easter and she was outside crying, calling at all hours and threatening to hurt herself. I can remember being a depressed teenage girl and have a lot of compassion for her but this really isn't what I want for DSS. He's already chosen to apply to uni near home so he can be with her rather than going where the best courses are. Any time he's mentioned something he aspires to which doesn't include her (for example he said he'd like to teach english abroad, she started yelling at him for thinking she's not good enough), there's huge drama.

To be honest I am concerned she's going to end up pregnant or similar. We have spoken to DSS very frankly about contraception and everything and he's being careful but he has also said he feels trapped by her and her reactions to his life. She tried to talk him into dropping out of college

DH is getting increasingly concerned too as he had assumed it would run its course when DSS finished his exams and went away for uni. I really feel for this girl but I'm worried DSS is getting into something he shouldn't be.

Not much you can do but encourage him to go away to Uni and tell him that her drama is not his responsibility.

She sounds a bit stalkerish, actually.

YANBU but he is 18, he has to make his own mistakes. You can offer your advice but ultimately its up to him who he has in his life.

When he ended things we were really pleased (though guiltily), but he took her back basically out of fear.

He's put unis in this city down though! So he won't have the 'uni experience'. I'm worried he won't be 'allowed' to make friends and experience it all. I know I can't really do anything but it's sort of scary.

Nothing much yu can do apart from be there for your DSS. My DB was in a similar relationship - was with his DP for over 13 years. She had had a "troubled" upbringing, threatened to kill herself if he left, gaslighted him so he thought he was going mad, contributed nothing financially to the family etc etc. They finally split up about 4 months ago - he couldn't be happier.

Feeling "trapped" is never a positive emotion.

She sounds very similar to my first boyfriend. I went away to uni, he gave up his place. We carried on going out long distance through my years at uni but broke it off shortly after. He was a very mixed up boy but I loved him dearly. I broke it off in the end because I felt he was too clingy and I was being smothered. I still wonder whether that was the right decision. If he had given me some space, I think we might have ended up together.

Nostalgia aside, he is 18 and you have to let him make his own choices.

Hopefully he will see the light. Hopefully she will go and see a therapist. I feel for her too.

I don't think he is making his own choices though

It is so frustrating as it feels like his whole life is being limited by this situation. I don't voice this stuff to him really but need to get it out.

If he stays at home while at uni (I don't really mind), what if she wants to move in?! DH committed to supporting DSS through uni but that doesn't mean her too. DH is v worried she is going to get pg as that's how DSS came about.

Why do you not voice this?

My DD was in a similar relationship. He had been brought upin care and a chaotic household.

I tried to help both him and her. I helped her to put bounderies in place and stick to them. I found support services for him. I was fighting a losing battle when it came yto him, though, because i had limited contact with him. I was always honest, though and said what i thought.

I was delighted when he cheated on her, tbh, because she walked away.

YANBU to be concerned. He's adult so not much you can do other than keep telling him in the nicest and most diplomatic way possible that he shouldn't have to put up with any emotional blackmail from anyone, no one should. And that is what his girlfriend is doing.

How about offering to take him to a few open days at universities he may be interested in an hour or two away, just ' in case the one nearby falls through'. In seeing other universities, it may encourage him to open his eyes about what being away from home may offer, while not being so far away that she can be unreasonable. Sounds like a frustrating situation, but at least he can see something is not right, hopefully he will act upon soon.

I would tell him to go away to Uni, to do the better course and because it's much more fun. Which it is! Tell him that he can come back and see her every other weekend and she can go to see him every other weekend and that they have already been together for two years so that their relationship can easily manage this and that they will probably end up spending more time together rather than less.

I was with my boyfriend for two years before I went to Uni. It lasted a term.

She is saying she will go with DSS

I try not to be too harsh on her to DSS because she's keen to set up an 'us against them' dynamic and I don't want to play into that.

There is no harm in reminding your DS that theres a big world out there and no one should hold him back from it.

Your DS needs to know that any friend he has in his life should make him feel good about himself.
I really like savoycabbages idea to say weekend trips home will keep the realtionship alive, (NOT!) doing the best course in his subject is the top priority.

You don't need to have a big talk about this really, just slip it into the conversation whilst eating, or watching a movie. Infact I wonder if there is a film about this subject? I know, "Swingers" made in 1996, (starring Vince Vaughan) about a group of guys one of which is trying to get over his ex, its really life affirming and entertaining as he tries to change his future.

Rent it, make him watch it. It dosent 100% match your situation but its about relationships from a guys point of view.

well, don't make him watch it as such, just have it on movie night and bribe him in with loads of popcorn!

He's 18 and as hard as it is you have to trust that you have equipped him with all the skills he needs to live his adult life independently.

I've been through similar - DS and his DF have been together since they were 14 and are now 21/22. They went to uni together and have flat shared for the last 3 years. I worry about my DS as his DF comes from a home where her mum stayed at home having babies and has never worked and she seems to be of a similar mindset. He has worked through uni to support them but she hasn't managed to find a part time job. Even now they've graduated there's always a reason why she's not applying for jobs but DS is busting a gut to find something permanent.

It breaks my heart - I can see him making the mistakes I did at his age - but I know to bite my tongue and let him lead his life the way he chooses. Whatever happens I'll be there for my son, just as you will for yours. Grit your teeth and smile - sometimes the more disapproving/negative you are about something the more stubborn the kids can become! It will all come right

If he's set on going uni in his home city, what about encouraging him to move into student halls? He'll meet loads of new people and will see that she's not his only option. Hell get that uni experience as well without her being able to guilt him about leaving her

have you thought about taking her to one side and telling her you want to look after her?

go for cofee and find out what her dreams are, if she has no good home she may bot have this help. If you can help her on her way to her dreams she may not need your son so much

Can you start imposing limits on their time together? Could you for example insist on some family weekends away where she is not invited. Maybe also some nights each week where you are insisting on family time. I know this in itself won't solve the problem but in your shoes I would be trying to get him to spend as much time away from her as possible. Once he has some space and if he knows he has your support he might find it easier to break away from her.

He's 18, so even though legally he's an adult, in reality he's probably still quite child. It is not fair that his whole future is been compromised by a person who is emotionally blackmailing him. I would point very clearly to him that he's got options (with and without her). He can go to the best uni for his course and come back to see her at weekend. If he compromises his studies and then they split up, he's going to regret for a long time!

To be honest, if it was my DS, I think I would even pay facilitate for him to go travelling for a nice long summer somewhere far away and hope that on coming back, the issue was sorted.

It will peter out eventually; once he goes to uni and meets like minded people. Sad, but that's life.

However it says a lot for your DSS that he has a conscience about her. Most would run like the clappers from someone so needy.

My advice, don't even pass comment. Life is a learning journey and as much as we would like to protect our children from making mistakes, mistakes have to be made in order to learn. Just be there with the proverbial rich tea and sympathy whilst picking up the pieces.

I know two people (both mature-ish students who married quite young) who got divorced while in the early stages of university - even if he goes to the local one there's a good chance his horizons will be expanded. Does she have uni plans too?

Oh god your poor DSS,

the fact is if this situation was gender reversed people would be screaming 'leave the bastard' from the highest mountain.

They way she is behaving is very wrong and cruel to your DSS its so sad he is quashing his potential to be near this person.

This happened to one of my siblings, my mum had enough went outside and gave her a rope and told her to get on with it and basically threatened her with police action if she didn't desist. I know that's extreme, I hope it doesn't get that far.

If you have a pet rabbit hide it now.

They are too young, your DSS needs to go out in to the world and live, he must not take a 2nd rate uni to be near this girl, sadly she sounds a little unstable, I don't know what you can do really except gently point out to him she is a mad would be stalker that he is still very young with a whole life ahead and getting tied down now is not a good idea

Is your son relying on your financial support during Uni? I think a two pronged attack would help. Tell him that if he wants to throw his future away on this girl, he won't be doing it with your financial support. If he needs to take a year out to think his options then fine, but he needs to think about how he is planning to support himself (and her?!) for the rest of his life, and limiting himself to lesser courses just so he can live at home and she can continue to control him and sponge off you is NOT okay. It's not. And at the same time educate him about abusive relationships and not being able to rescue another person no matter how much you might want to.

Does any of that make sense?

I started going with a fella when I was 15, lasted until the second term of Uni when I we called it a day. He then had a nervous breakdown. One of the reasons why I stayed with him for so long was because I was worried about him and what would happen if I finished with him. As a consequence I made a lot of decisions which, in hindsight, I wouldn't have done if he wasn't on the scene.

I would ask him questions rather than lecture. Sometimes explaining a situation to someone else makes you realise just how ridiculous it is. So a "How does that make you feel?" or "Do you think that's ok?" is more effective than coming across as obviously judgy.

If they're still going together by results time, please make sure he goes to halls. A new set of friends might get him to "see the light", and that is my number one regret about university in my home town. It's a completely different experience living at home and a bit shit