To not want DS to stay with my parents?

[CheerfulYank]

I can take it if IABU, promise! :)

My parents live in the same state as I do (we're Americans) but are about a five hour drive away. DS will be five next month and is their only GC.

They see him about once a month. The last time was a few weeks ago, when they stayed overnight at our house. DH, DS, and I will be going there the 2nd of July and staying til the 5th. (We're celebrating the 4th)

My mother asked me today if DS could stay a few extra days (until that Friday) and we could meet halfway Friday night or Saturday morning to get him back.

It is a lot of driving, and we don't really mind, but it is an inconvenience. However, the biggest issue is DS's behavior when he gets back. The last few visits (he goes for 2-4 days at a time) he has been terribly behaved when he returns.

I don't think it's anything my parents do (though of course they do spoil him a tiny bit while he's there) but since DS was a newborn, he has not done well with disruptions to his schedule, or when he's overtired. The last few visits it's taken him a few days at least to wind down and be "himself" again. (We're talking screaming fits, sobbing at the slightest thing, etc) I just feel like maybe at this age he's a bit young for long visits far away and it may be easier when he's older.

However, my parents love having him and he always has a fabulous time when he goes. My mother sounded upset when I said I didn't think that would work. :(

I feel that this visit will be long enough with the 3 of us going the 2nd through the 5th. AIBU? and how do I stand my ground against my very determined DM?

I get where you're coming from, believe me. The last time DD stayed over with PILs a hysterical reaction to an "accident" on their carpet set our efforts at potty training back MONTHS.

She hasn't stayed there since, but they have come to stay at our house and DH and I have escaped for a couple of nights here and there instead.

Could you come to some compromise and have them to stay with you again in a couple of months and you and DH grab a night or two away? Your DS would be less disrupted that way. The promise of that might make your DM back off?

I do see their point of view as well. Could you and DH disappear for a chunk of the day when you stay with them, go and see a movie, so they can have time with him?

Does he have the issues with his behaviour when you all go together, or only if he stays on his own? If the former, surely you are going to experience it anyway so you might as well let him stay a bit longer with your parents. If it's only if he's on his own then I can see your point but...

I'd let him go anyway. My own father has recently been diagnosed with cancer which has made me re-evaluate a bit, so I'm probably biased at the moment. But your ds and his grandparents have such a precious relationship. In a few years when he can deal with the change in routine better, your parents might not be so active and able to entertain him for days at a time. So make the most of it while you can, I say.

I'm really sorry about your Dad alarka, that's awful.

My parents are only 52 and very active so I guess I don't quite think in terms of them "getting older" and missing time with DS, but anything can happen, of course.

No, he doesn't have as much of a problem when we are with him. Also, DH and I will be staying in our family's lake cabin during the nights but DS will probably stay at my parent's house with them at nighttime. Also they are going to take him boating one afternoon.

They are always, always welcome to stay with us! It is easier for them as they both own their own businesses, and I don't drive , but I do understand they don't always want to be the ones who go.

I don't have any DC that age, and Dd has never spent the night away fom me, so it's hard to say.

My first reaction is that you are being a little bit unreasonable - not in not wanting him to go, but in actually not letting him. I don't know the exact situation obviously, but do you think there might be a way of trying to deal with the 'bad' behaviour differently, instead of not letting him go? Maybe relaxing rules for a week to gently get him back to normal, or maybe having a temporary award system for a few days while he adjusts?

Or maybe you could discuss it with your parents, and have stricter bedtime rule etc.

Let him go! He's nearly 5? He'll be at school soon, part of growing up is breaking out of the routine occasionally

I'd let him go. My DS was appallingly behaved after staying with his GPs, but we kept letting him go and each time was a little easier until now it's no problem at all. He's good with change and much better with breaks in his routine. He just takes them in stride (he's 4.5 btw).

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

Kids grow up so much at that age, and can change in just a few months, at 5 he is less likely to have the meltdowns and also more likely to remember the precious time spent with grandparents this time, when he gets older.

I used to go and stay with my grandparents at that age for the school holidays as my parents were both working, and I can only really remember it from the age of 4/5, and I loved being there. My grandad died when I was 8 so I am so glad of those memories.

I would also say, if he is staying with them for longer than the usual 2-4 days, he may have had the chance to calm down about being so excited to see them, and be on less of a "high" by the time you get him back.

YANBU as such, but I think on balance in your situation I would let him go.

You said yourself he'll have a great time. Let him have his great time with his GPs, it's quite precious.

YANBU - it's not like they are not seeing him, you're staying for 3 nights, just all of you staying. It's a hassle to drive back and forth and causes upset for DS.

We call it post-grandparent syndrom.

However they're often better after a longer time and they appreciate the parents more!

My DS is like this whenever we go to gps or on holiday. Anything out of his usual routine.
Same age too

I stick with it because he has such a lovely time and I believe his relationship with his gps is really important. And them being alone together, without you there I think helps their relationship too.

I know where you are coming from but where is it going to stop? You'll end up doing exactly the same thing every single day just so he doesn't get out of sorts!

Thanks for the input!

Gumby he will not go to school full time until he's 6. :)

If it were a case of just going or not going at all I would let him go. But I feel like we're already going for 3 days, and they are talking about having him again in August to go stay at a friend's island, so it isn't like it's their only chance to see him for months and months.

I will consider it more though, as I am roundly being considered unreasonable! :o

I don't think you're unreasonable.

They saw him a few weeks ago.
They're seeing him for 3 days anyway.
They'll see him again in a month or so.
They're having him "to themselves" overnight and during part of your 3-day stay.

And they're asking you to drive an extra 5 hours, in addition to the 10 hours you're already going to do, so they can have him for a bit longer.

And the answer to how you "stand your ground" against your mum - well, don't get into discussions about reasons. Try "No, that doesn't work for us" followed by "Mum, we've discussed this already" followed by "Mum, do you want to see us in August or not?"

Its at the end of your trip, why don't you judge it on how he is then, leave it as a possibility.

I certainly wouldn't be sending him up BEFORE your trip, his behaviour would likely spoil your break.

A friend's island?! Are they the rockerfellas

I wish! :o

They live up north in Minnesota, where everyone's great grandparents bough lake cabins/islands cheap way back when, and pass them down.

It's a small island. :)

Ah, still sounds amazing. Gorgeous part of the world

I think five is old enough for you to gently, but firmly stop using returning from grandparents as an excuse.

Bad behaviour is bad behaviour and it should not be tolerated just because a child is, tired, hungry or has had their routine disrupted.

A chance to rest, food and hugs should of course be administered as soon as practical, but only in a routine matter of fact way.

Flexible, resilient DCs are worth a bit of work to cultivate.

You can't control what life throws at your DS, but you can give him tools to cope.

I'm not using it as an excuse as in "oh poor wee lamb, he can't help himself, bless, he's so tired". He can behave properly but it is much harder to do so at these times. Even I, at 30, can be quite snappy when exhausted or overly hungry. :o

It just feels like a lot to go through the packing, etc, make the five hour drive, spend three very busy days, drive the five hours back, wait a few days, drive the 2.5 hours, pick up DS, drive back 2.5 hours, and deal with him being ridiculously short tempered all weekend, when they are going to see him anyway and then have him again next month.

But I am probably just not wanting to deal with it all and am BU. Thanks. :)

Now avoiding packing I can understand, I hate packing.
5 hours driving is a pain too, although less of a pain in the US than here. You tend to have large functioning roads.
Half my local motorway has totally vanished and we have one lane in each direction and miles of speed limit

I understand about you struggling with his behaviour when he returns, but that is dealable with and as he gets older and more used to staying away his meltdowns will diminish anyway. And wouldn't a few days of pain be worth it? If you're expecting the meltdowns you can have strategies to deal with them anyway.

And what a lovely opportunity for him. Most MNetters would cut off their right arms for parents who would give them a break like that too!