AIBU to have upset my mum?

[BloodyCrossRoads]

My mum has a habit of just never listening to anything anyone says and dominates every conversation. She gets obsessed with really silly things and goes on and on about them.

Today I went to visit. She told me Argos was delivering her wardrobes anytime so I knew she'd be obsessed with that until at least lunch time. I was prepared. We sit down for a coffee and I'm midway through saying something when Argos van pulls up. "Oh they're here!!!" she shouts and promptly runs off to the front door. She then comes back in flapping "should I wear a cardigan for when they knock?? what should I wear?? do I look ok like this???" I'm like "err yeah you look fine as you are!". She disagrees and runs off to find a cardigan. The delivery people knock, bring in the wardrobes and leave. Que:

"Oh they didn't look happy did they!"
"It's flat packed you know, people will walk into it stuck in the hallway like that"
"They didn't look happy!"
"Grandma said it would be flat packed - guess we'll sort it at weekend"
"Did you see them? they didn't look happy at all"

so this went on for an hour or so.

Then she saw a small spider walking along the top of the wall. My heart sank as I realised this would dominate the next hour or so and I was really hoping to talk about something important. The next hour went like this:

mum - "Oh look! a spider!"
mum - "Can you see it? it's there look!"
me - oh yes, anyway I was going to ask you about ...
mum "oh it's moving!!"
me - yeah, I was going to ask ...
mum - "I don't like killing spiders you know, but I don't like them"
me - ok, but as I was saying ...
mum - oh god it's coming this way!! hehe silly really being so scared of them isn't it, it's only small!"
me - yeah, it is silly. Anyway ...
mum - are you tired? you seem a bit snappy?"
me - "no I just wanted to talk to you about ...
mum - "no stay over there Spider! I don't want you over here!"
me - "I wanted to talk to you about the summer ...
mum - "God I hope it doesn't come over here"
me - sigh The summer holidays, I need to talk to you about the ..
mum - "am I annoying you looking at the spider?"
me - "yes, I'm trying to talk to you"
mum - "oh you're so snappy lately!"

is there any fucking wonder, really?? I never did get the summer holiday thing discussed.

A bit later on she's going on and on and on about the people she works with, repeating the same story over and over again and acting out various facial expressions. I then say "oh that reminds me of something my friend said! .. she said ... "

My mum then snaps "oh always changing the subject!!! you're not even listening to me are you!"

So yeah, I was a snappy cow and I think she's upset with me. I know you'll all say "make the most of her whilst you have her" but christ, how do you hold your patience when the person you're trying to talk to keeps cutting you off and obsessing over non issues like this? Should I have been more patient?

How old is she?

Someone suggested to me that one of the signs of early dementure can be obsessing......

now I don't know if this is true or not, but is your Mum of an age where this could be possible.

Mothers, as they get older do become self obsessed though!

She sounds a bit like me.

In the snippets of conversation you've given you weren't listening to her though ... ok so you didn't think she was talking about anything important, but why is her conversation less valid than yours?

Has she always been like this or has it become worse recently?

She's 57 and always been a bit like this but she's definitely getting worse.

It sounds like she could be developing dementia of some sort

I'm sorry but I'm going to say make the most of her when she's there
My mum has just passed away, and I'd do anything to listen to her daft wittering on the phone again.

Probably not demetia, just the self absorbed ramblings of a lady with not enough to think about!

Crikey, always assume the worst why don't you? DP mum has been doing much the same as OP's since I met him 18 years ago. Some people are like that.

Is she like that with everyone-all the time-even at work?

How can you make the most of someone when they don´t seem to be interested in you?

My MIL is like this. She doesn't have early onset dementia, she's just totally self obsessed and gets mightily offended if you even dare suggest that anyone else might matter at all

You know your mum best is it just the wittering getting worse or any thing else?

She would drive me potty

Perhaps email her about the summer holidays and other things that you need to sort out with her?

Try telling her what you said in the first sentence, in a nice way, if that is possible.

And, possibly, get cross with her and say something like ' FOR GOD'S SAKE IT DOESN'T BLUDDY MATTER WHETHER YOU WEAR A CARDIGAN OR NOT' when she witters on and on and see if she accepts that she is being ridiculous to worry about such trivia.

If she can't se that she is being ridiculous just avoid spending alot of time with her as you probably can't change her.

" I know you'll all say "make the most of her whilst you have her" ... "
No, I'm not. I'm absolutely not. I think you have the patience of the saint, I would have invented somewhere else to be looooong before the Argos van showed.

i think should have said, why are you worry about what to wear for the argos delivery men?

just ask her straight, might make her think.

Sadly as soon as I read the conversations between you and your DM they reminded me so much of my nana. She has dementia and alzheimer's. My nana would obsess over the most smallest of things, a conversation with her would read pretty much the same as your conversation with your mum

Has your DM always been this way or is it a recent thing?

My mother in law is like this and has been since I've known her. It's a nightmare to pin her down and talking about the same thing for 5 minutes is a near impossibility.

My solution is to simply focus only on my mother. She probably does have eary stage dementia (she's 80) and simply can't cope with conversations about stuff beyond what she thinks about all day anyway. So if she wants to tell me about her garden or her ironing that is ok with me.

But 57 seems a bit young for that? She sounds very anxious to me. If she finds an Argos delivery stressful, then maybe she is finding everything pretty stressful including whatever scary thing you have in mind for the summer holidays?

Euphemia, I know a mum at DD2's school like that too and it's crossed my mind that she may have aspergers.

She too tells the same stories over and over (I must have heard each of her childrens' birth stories 20 times over), has no empathy and never listens to what anyone else says. She talks about herself constantly, to the point where it is actually embarrassing to listen at times. One other mum has recently been very ill and came to a school event. The one who talks about herself just sat there talking at the ill mum about herself and about her life and problems, and didn't even ask the ill mum how she was.

I have tried to be patient and understanding of her lack of self-awareness and her apparent problems in socialising, but I am running out patience now and I do avoid her as it was starting to make me feel stressed each day knowing I would have to listen to her.

OP, I have hijacked your thread talking about myself so back to your original topic, your mum sounds infuriating! no wonder you felt peed off

Hex thats not Aspergers, thats selfish self obsession

I used to think it was, bogeyface but over time I've come to the conclusion that no one could be that self obsessed. I've known some self obsessed people but she is way worse than they are. It's almost as if she doesn't understand how to listen to someone or how to converse with them. She also butts in to conversations, in a very child-like way, like she just doesn't understand that it's rude.

I feel sorry for her kids tbh. They are rude, badly behaved and have poor social skills, and it's no wonder when they have her as a role model