Was I asking too much?

[newport67]

So I was out last night. Before going out I bathed dd and ds and got ds dressed for bed too. However, dd aged 7 did needed her hair combing. It had been conditioned so wouldn't have been too difficult. At least twice I reminded her to get daddy to do it. Dh was in earshot both times so must have heard.
This morning I notice her hair a complete mess so I ask her was it combed? It hadn't been.
Know it's petty but surely dh should be ensuring basic things like this are done and dd is old enough to ask/remind. Also this is not the 1st time. On other occassions I have been out over lunch period working. I have returned home at 3.30 ish and had dc asking for lunch as they haven't had any.

Thinking about it probably should have asked dh directly.

Write him a insultingly detailed list of what needs to be done? If you do it most of the time he's not the routine and what is obvious gets overlooked. (I'm not saying he shouldn't have done it because feeding you children lunch is a pretty basic thing to remember!!)

He didn't feed his children?
You shouldn't have to, but I think you need to explain to him that looking after your DCs isn't code for chill out an have some me time, it actually requires him to tend to their needs...
Speechless.

I have the same problems sometimes. DH is a wonderful bloke but he sometimes just doesn't get the hair brushing bit. It's annoying.

I think you should have directly asked him about the combing because if her hair has any knots that hurt to comb out she's not going to remind him to do it! And combing wouldn't occur to most men because they don't need to comb their own hair.

Will it cause any serious harm for her not to have her hair combed, or to get a bit hungry? If not, then I think you need to let go a bit - ok he doesn't do things the way you would, but as long as its not actual harm/neglect then the world won't end.

Lunch: they need to nag him better.
Sympathies re hair, my DH has to be nagged to get them dressed & toothbrushed for bed. It's routine, but not routine enough for him!

I think with the food thing dh rarely has lunch himself so probably doesn't get that children need regular meals.
DD's hair is a nightmare to comb when dry (even when i use a conditioning/detangle spray). However, if recently washed/conditioned it is ok. In fact she loves it when I do it normally.
Will have to spell things out next time.

I wrote a list.

An amazingly detailed list. Bearing in mind my DCs are 14,13&8 it should just be common sense but clearly not.

My DH finishes work before me do every morning I wrote a list.
After about 2 weeks he said "do you think im stupid or something? I know how to use washing machine/check homework/make packed lunch. Why are you writing me essays every day?

Although my DH does have a list phobia but that's a whole other thread

I think the hair thing can be let go. Blokes rarely see the importance of things like that.

The lunch revelation I find a little shocking, even if you rarely eat lunch yourself it is surely common sense that your children need lunch? No child should have to nag for it and I don't like being dramatic but unlike amuminscotland I would class that as neglect.

If anyone in this house wrote a list it would be DP.

I work nights, he does the bedtime and morning routines and I just get in the way when I try to help.

Oh and I feel the need to mention, we have to walk through our kitchen to get to the living room. If I forget to pick up the cup of tea he has made for me and go and sit down, he gets up and goes and gets it for me!

why are they asking you for lunch? You need to train them to whinge ask daddy. If it was a baby I'd be worried but bigger DCs can assist you in the 'get daddy off his arse' regime.

They seem to be waiting for you to do everything, while daddy gets away with not thinking for himself :(

Not feeding them is pretty awful! What did you say to him?!

I think if she needs her hair combing - and it could be quite uncomfortable uncombed - he needs to do it. It's not rocket science, is it? Somehow you have worked out how to care for your children and therefore he can surely manage to do the same.

It'd be nice if the children learned to ask/remind him but honestly I find it a bit sad they should have to.

Well in my book, a dad should be able to do all these things and also should feel responsible enough about being in charge of his dcs that eh would know that they need to be fed at lunch time (even if he doesn't) and that his dd hair needs to be brushed when it is wet (even if he doesn't normally do it).

Not the least because your dd is 7yo so he has seen it happening in front of him for the last 7years!!

In a case like this, I would
1- tell him straight that dd hair needs to be done
2- let him do it the day after if he hasn't done it in the evening.
A bit like with children. If you don't do X, then you are paying the consequences for it.

It's laziness, and really childish as well.

It's ok to have different regimes when one parent is in charge in the other ones absence, it's good for children to be adaptable.

Some people need a bit of help and support if it's not obvious how things are routinely done, and lists can be useful. You need to have a talk.

The worst thing about this sort of behaviour is that it takes all the pleasure out of going out socially if you know the partner at home isn't taking responsibility.

Does he not comb his hair after washing or eat lunch, then?

amuminscotland that isn't really the point is it. If he can't do simple things like combing his daughter's hair then there's something wrong. And not giving them their dinner.....

My DS' (7 and 5) spent the day with Daddy (now XP) on Sunday. He bought them back to mine at 2pm, came in as they 'wanted to watch a DVD with Daddy' and then told me I had to feed them. Turned out he'd bought himself something at soft play (as he hadn't had breakfast) but when they said they were hungry and asked for lunch told them he wasn't buying food as 'Mummy can feed you when you get home, it's her job'

OP YANBU, especially re the food! As I child I had long hair, and can only imagine how frustrating Mum must have found it trying to brush knots out before school.

"ok he doesn't do things the way you would,"-isn´t it more a case of he doesn´t do them at all?

But.. did he actually refuse them lunch, or did he just forget and the kids didn't ask him. Unforgiveable if he refused them. I would have a word with my kids if they are scared of asking their own dad for lunch because that's just odd.

@Newport I think u might have to write him a list of what to do. (Although he may throw a strop and accuse u of thinking hes stupid or he may throw the list away) but at least he can not say 'you should have said'.

@I needabetternickname That is terrible. I hope u had a VERY strong word with him about that. How selfish of him.

I think they wouldn't have asked. They rarely ask me when I am around. However, I don't need them to ask.
Can see why he's an ex Ineed

Think maybe dc need abit of educating too!

DH has shortish hair that doesn't need brushing. I have literally had to train him into how frequently and to what standard DD's hair needs to be brushed. It's not obvious if it's not something you've ever had to do yourself.