To be getting stressed out about the deteriorating relationship with my mother?

[FrankieAnne]

My mum just never seems interested in anything I do. Instead she goes on and on about herself or my sister. Example:

me - "wow I'm so knackered after that 13 hour shift"
mum - "yes but lots of people have to do it, not just you. How do you think I feel when I've been 'at shop' (she works voluntary in a charity shop)?"

I'm sorry but 4 hours sat drinking tea and chatting in a quiet charity shop CANNOT be compared with a 13 hour shift of ward nursing. It just can't.

me - "oh these exams are stressing me right out"
mum - "yes, your sister is stressed, poor 'sarah', all the work she has to do!"

I'm sorry but 'drawing a few pictures' in a class of 15 people one afternoon a week is not comparable to 3 degree level exams and a 3000 assignment all to be undertaken within 6 weeks.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to score points with "my life is harder" but she just never even seems interested in anything I tell her at all. I've just got off the phone with her where she spent 20 minutes reeling off everyone elses illnesses (really what I want to hear after working on the ward all day) and then ... when I could get a word in edge ways I said "well, I had a good day today ... I ... " and my mum jumped in with "oh good, Sarah is loving her new job, she's learning so much! at least now she's experienced to get a good job (she's been there 2 days!!)

I'm due to go and visit my mum tomorrow and she demanded to know what time I'd be arriving and then when I told her put on her sulky voice and asked how long I'd be staying. Honestly she may as well have just said "don't stay too long, there's a love".

I know people will say I will regret this when she's gone but she's been like this all her life, especially with me and as a result I've grown up thinking of myself as pretty worthless.

When I passed my driving test - my mum told people I'd "got my provisional"
When I passed my A-levels - my mum told people I'd "done a test or something and passed"
When I got my degree my mum told people I'd "done something at college"
When I was doing district nursing, my mum told people I was a "home help".
She constantly insists that I live in a council house. I don't. Not that it would matter if I did - but why insist on that when she knows it isn't true?

When I got a place on my degree for my dream career my mum's first response was "umm does this mean I'll be looking after the kids more?"

When my son split his head open and had to be taken to A&E my mum's first response was "umm does this mean you're not taking me shopping?"

I'm getting to the point were I just can't hide my annoyance.

I'm getting to the point were I just can't hide my annoyance.

well don't, next time laugh and say,"oh mum, you are so funny".

then move swiftly on,

try asking her first, How's your day been? how's sis?

Did her mum ever praise her?

Have you ever told her how you feel?

Mine can be a bit like this - I have told her (several times) it makes no difference. I call less and expect less.

I never told her about dh's affair as I knew she would be very insensitive and put the blame my way.

Avoid!

I'm sorry but 'drawing a few pictures' in a class of 15 people one afternoon a week

What does your sister do? (realise that's not the point)

Do you think your mum might be a narc? I don't know much about it myself.

i'm sorry its like that. i'd try to say something comforting but i'm worn out and drained right now. but i wish you well and i wish you could have some support from your mum.

Have you asked her why she says these things? Like 'Mum, you know i don't live in a council house (not that there's anything wrong with it) so why do you say it?'

I would just keep calling her on it and stop visiting her if she doesn't want you to. I would say quite clearly 'it sounds like you don't really want me over so i wont come'.

Maybe she is the same with your sister - always praising you? Unlikely, I expect, but have you asked?

Mine can be a bit like this - I have told her (several times) it makes no difference. I call less and expect less.

I never told her about dh's affair as I knew she would be very insensitive and put the blame my way.

Avoid!

But does SHE do the t-Rex and cuddle groceries?

I can empathise with you Frankie. You should talk to your mother gently, and see if she can be understanding. My expectation would be low however. It takes a lot to change....

My mother is a like yours, its always about her and her life and self absorbed. I know life is still hard for her. For me, I've learnt not to need her approval or even interest in my life (hardly any interest as it is). So I've moved on and expect little from my mother and that's OK for me. I live my life and so long as I can be happy and with my own little family, I will be OK.
Resulting that its removed a lot of tension I had with my mum.

Hope this help.

have you tried bringing the conversation back to the subject you were discussing?

I think it is an age thing. My Mum has become increasingly selfish and self centred - espeically since my Dad died a few years ago.

She sulks because I don't visit often enough (250 miles away) yet makes absolutely no effort when I do go. I am sure it is just old age!

Draining, isn't it? I feel for you, I understand exactly what you are saying as my mum has never praised me, not even as a child, or on passing exams, or on my wedding day. She's never, ever, said she loves me either.

Conversations with my mum are very one sided - she just talks all over me, about absolute drivel mostly. I've developed the "smile and nod" technique so well I can do it over the phone.

Sorry I don't have any solutions for you, but just wanted to say I understand.

No YANBU...Another one here...I have two jobs and working my fingers to the bone trying to buy a new house, we are all really stressed and it's an awful time. When I last discussed this with my Mum she said 'oh I know it's hard, I haven't had a holiday in ages' - they were away last month and have just booked a trip to Spain for September....words fail me! However she has always been a bit like this and although I totally understand why you are getting stressed out, it is much better to accept it as she is not going to change. Is your sister younger than you? My little brother gets fussed over something awful

It sounds like this runs deep OP. You have to learn to manage your expectations, accept her limitations even if that means accepting she may be quite a damaged individual.

You can create healthier boundaries and learn to live without her approval. Not easy but can be done. I feel for you