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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to worry that my brother is going ahead with something he doesn't want to do?

20 replies

stmoritzsmells · 27/06/2012 19:48

Any advice would be much appreciated with this.

Brother is getting married soon in the next few months. Future sis in law is nice enough, but from a culture that seems to be very dominating and where they expect a lot in terms of material items etc. The family have had everything their way so far - culturally I mean - and he has just been going along with it because he's too stressed and can't be bothered to argue - his words.
I'm worried about him and worried that he's entering something that he may come to regret afterwards. He also is not brilliant health wise, although I don't want to go into that on here, but I would appreciate any advice or experiences you could give me about what I can do. Thanks x

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 27/06/2012 19:50

He is an adult, and while she may be seen to be following her culture so far, it doesnt mean that it will play a bad part in their relationship.

The best you can do is say nothing.

If they are getting married in this country, then if it all goes wrong they will both be bound by the laws in this country.

Original poster

stmoritzsmells · 27/06/2012 19:53

squeakytoy- he's already admitted he isn't happy with the culture and it's already affected things between them. That's the issue.

I know he is an adult, but it's hard to stand by and let someone be pressured into things by another person. That's what it feels like.

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 27/06/2012 19:55

Is he your little brother?

Original poster

stmoritzsmells · 27/06/2012 19:58

nope, older brother. By quite a few years

OP posts:

FootballFriendSays · 27/06/2012 20:06

I don't see what you can do apart from tell him not to marry her and give him your reasons. Be prepared to be ignored, though. He's an adult. If he has MH problems and you think he's vulnerable ATM it's a difficult situation.

Alurkatsoftplay · 27/06/2012 20:10

I wouldn't say anything against her or them, but keep stressing to him that there are always alternatives and that you will always support him, that kind of thing.
When I got married first time, I knew it wasn't a great idea...I might have jumped at someone holding out their hand and saying, 'I can help get you out of this.'

Original poster

stmoritzsmells · 27/06/2012 20:12

good advice so far guys. thankyou. and thanks for not assuming i'm a sis in law from hell who cant bear her brother marrying someone who isnt good enough bla bla bla, that's the usual reaction

OP posts:

JosephineCD · 27/06/2012 20:13

What culture is she from?

Original poster

stmoritzsmells · 27/06/2012 20:20

pakistani.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 27/06/2012 20:31

He isn't doing her any favours by "not bothering to argue", either, unless he speaks out, she won't know that he is having problems adjusting to the different expectations.

Things aren't going to get any better or go away, it needs to be discussed now.

This isn't fair on her, either.

FoofFighter · 27/06/2012 20:32

I agree with previous poster that said they'd have jumped at someone offering to help them get out of it. I was hoping my step dad would have said in the car on the way to church the usual speech you see on TV/film weddings of are you sure etc, but it didn't happen

I think you need to be honest and tell your brother that you have these reservations but if he chooses to go ahead then you have to respect that, and his new wife.

Original poster

stmoritzsmells · 27/06/2012 20:36

It's his health issues combined with work pressure that make him weary to argue and stuff. I have told him that I've had doubts but that if he's happy then I wish him and her all the best, and that's genuinely how I feel. I'm not there to make her out to be this or that I just don't think she is right for him and I think the cultures clash way too much.

OP posts:

FoofFighter · 27/06/2012 20:48

If you've already spoken with him then I think you need to butt out of his business. That YOU think the cultures clash doesn't mean he and others do.

Original poster

stmoritzsmells · 27/06/2012 20:58

foofighter - you obviously have not bothered to read any of my posts properly.

read them again and stop making out like I'm assuming stuff about the cultures clashing. They have clashed. They do clash. He admits it. He admits it's a big issue with them.

OP posts:

FoofFighter · 28/06/2012 13:27

I have read your posts properly thank you.

He is an adult and has obviously chosen to "put up with it". He has made his choice, respect it.

Wheezo · 28/06/2012 14:27

How did they meet OP? I know my xDP's older brother had a lot of hassle arranging a marriage in Pakistan - there seemed to be a lot of haggling over dowries and gifts to family and specified gifts for X and a backhander needed for so and so. Everyone, but everyone had to be paid in the process especially her family. I have no idea whether his experience is representative of Pakistani attitudes to weddings - does appear to be more widespread that a marriage is a contract first and foremost.

flowerpot77 · 28/06/2012 16:28

Hi, can i just say i've had a very similar experience with my first cousin. We as a family were very worried about him and the toll the whole experience had on his wellbeing.

I can tell you what we did, we went out for a meal (just us cousins) and spoke to him about it, just expressed how worried we were about him and wanted to help him in anyway that we could (be it financially, emotionally etc). He opened up to us that he loved her (her parents were a traditional pakistani family and it was a huge massive strugle to have got to the stage where he a non muslim was actually marrying her- without her being made a victim of an honour killing or such like -Really). He was frustrated at her obedience to them but couldnt walk away from her either.

Anyway, he confided in us - one of us would always be there for him, leading up to the wedding the demands were becoming pretty full on (i guess the giving and receiving of gifts in gold is big in pakistani familys). But we got through it as a family.

I can tell you that after the wedding that was it, the huge build up of domineering and at times quite greedy behaviour all stopped. Its like its not the marriage but the actual wedding that is more important. They live quite happily and have a 3 month old daughter and rarely see all the people they had to cater for.

Maybe a different situation but I just wanted to tell you that.

Original poster

stmoritzsmells · 28/06/2012 21:29

flowerpot thanks for that, was interesting to read your experience.

pakistani weddings are well known for the greediness and demand to show off to everyone, it's all about competing with everyone else. I say this from experience although this is not ALL of them, just it seems, the majority. It's funny, once Islam is taken out of the affair, the demands and extravagance reach insane levels. I have found the less religious people are the more over the top the wedding is.

anyway thanks everyone for the advice and will update you soon

OP posts:

BuzNuz · 28/06/2012 23:38

OP,

yep, being pakistani, i admit that many weddings are all for the the show! the demands are ridiculous but afterwards the girl's family calm down completely!

But that is generally how it goes. Cant be certain if that is all that your bro and fiance are arguing about.

bejeezus · 28/06/2012 23:52

What culture is your brother OP?

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