To think it can be very isolating coming from a dysfunctional and abusive family

[rubberglove]

To cut a long story short, I was raised by abusive adoptive parents. Emotionally and sexually abusive.

Now after years of therapy, mental health intervention and a wonderful family of my own I finally feel I have broken free.

But I could not have done that without strict barriers for myself. I have very limited contact with my adoptive mother and none with my father.

Now and then however, I get the sense that some of those near and dear to me just don't get what I have tried to tell them.

My adoptive parents still try to manipulate from afar e.g. they send my PIL cards on ocassions, even though my father doesn't sign his name in my kid's cards.

My Mil will tell me how nice it was of them to send a card, even though she knows what I have survived. I just don't get it. I don't expect her to confront them, or even let them know she is aware, but I expect a little sensitivity.

But then I feel abuse survivors face this generally. We need people to believe us, listen and validate us. It can feel like a silent prison, scream and no one will hear or believe you

It is a silent prison, your statement is very spt. My family treated me coldly and were verbally/emotionally abusive. No contact for seven years. I'm breaking free gradually too.

Can you ask MIL not to tell you about the cards? That seems insensitive. You really do not need reminding. Your experiences were very real.

Thank you solesource, sorry about your experiences

It's horrible. I come from an emotionally, verbally, psychologically, physically abusive family, with affection shown in 'inappropriate ways' by my father, not full on SA though

I can't relate to people, I struggle to make friends, I come across as cold and aloof a lot of the time, I suffer from depression and anxiety and terrible self-abhorrence.

People talk about their families coming together and supporting them with their children. I haven't had contact with my family for 5 years. It makes me feel isolated from others.

I don't think it's so much that people don't hear you, they don't want to, it makes for too uncomfortable listening, makes people squirm

I was abused growing up, not going into details, but I think people can find it hard to process experiences they don't share or that are unpleasant. People sometimes just don't know what to say or how to act.
It is isolating, but sadly on the other hand, there are lots of people in the same situation.
The best you can do is try to live to the best of your abilities and dont let the bastards win.

Yes, I think my Mil is generally a lovely woman, but I sense she doesn't want to hear it. It is uncomfortable to know that someone you are familiar with was abused as a child.

Disect every detail of an abuse story in the paper, but no, not when it is actually someone you know

I understand what you're saying. Treuly I do. Your MIL might have painful childhood experiences of her own that she has locked away. You just never know as to what the true reasons are sometimes even if we ask. Have you tried therapy? It has helped me a great deal.

My grandmother was abusive to us as children, and still continues this via letters, gifts to my DC (who she has seen less than a handful of times and never unsupervised) and saying things to relations I do see.

I've cut contact for the sake of my sanity and my DC. It is amazing how many people in my circle of friends, people in work etc look at me like I'm mad when I say about my gran. I think people have this cosy idea in their heads about a cute little old dear knitting booties and that I'm a cruel cow for turning my back on her.... well, that is the idea she likes to perpetuate too :(

Yeah, OP, it is hard. YANBU to think that.

One way I've tried to deal with things is to be quite aloof and push people away before they have a chance to reject me. My gran started this abuse when I was around 8 years old and now 20 years later it is still there, but I'm moving away from it as best I can.

I have had therapy, I have come such a long way, but I suppose the triggers will always be there. It is a life long legacy but I look at my children and am pretty sure they will be free from it.

Sorry needlescuties

I am really sorry for your experience and your Ils are insensitve to you perhaps they think its in the past and should stay there, which course it should not,

I grew up in a house where Domestic violence was a regular thing and i witnessed far to much for a child alcohol abuse my mum being beaten, and then they would 'make up' and there would be loud sex all over the house while i was supposed to be asleep , and yet now they pretend it didnt happen and I should just behave as if my child hood was hunky dory,

sorry didnt mean to make it about me ,

MrsJay how awful for the child you

Yes pretending it didn't happen, they are very good at that

It makes me wonder though, that people will read every horrific detail in newspapers, about child abuse. Yet they don't want to talk about it, when it is someone they know. The psychology of it is fascinating

I do think it is very isolating and i do find myself being a hold back sort of person IYSWIM, Alot of it i have blocked out im sure of it, My mum put up with a lot from him

People just get scared I think. Maybe they're frightened of saying the wrong thing too.

Do you get on with MIL otherwise? My instinct (which can be wrong and especially as I do not know a the people in question) tells me she is being a bit spiteful? xx :(

I had a similar childhood and was estranged for 7 years but went back, stoopid mistake, but I was lonely, I find it incredibly hard to connect with people. I have started therapy though and changing as a person as I trust more.

I don't know about societies perception of child sex abuse survivors but I presume it's non commital rather than negative.

What do you say if you haven't been through it.

One thing does get to me and that's certain perceptions that abused go on to abuse :(

I had a similar childhood and was estranged for 7 years but went back, stoopid mistake, but I was lonely, I find it incredibly hard to connect with people. I have started therapy though and changing as a person as I trust more.

I don't know about societies perception of child sex abuse survivors but I presume it's non commital rather than negative.

What do you say if you haven't been through it.

One thing does get to me and that's certain perceptions that abused go on to abuse :(

these days, I don't tell people. I used to feel I had to be upfront about it - part of needing to validate it myself re 'this really did happen to me' - but people just don't understand and do/say some appalling things. Or people feel sorry for you. I don't know which is worse tbh. Whatever way, they put you in a category. So I am evasive about my past now. I've actually got to the point where I'm bored with it iyswim re yy it was terrible and it has eclipsed my entire life and relationships... but I've had enough of it now.

completely agree about not being able to connect with people very well. I have been so badly bullied that I'm sort of a strange shape (not physically - arf) but I enjoy me and if people can't get me, well, tbh, I can't be bothered to get them.

I heard of a woman once who, when someone said to her 'you're too much for me' she replied 'WELL YOU'RE NOT ENOUGH FOR ME'.

Rubberglove, I' so sorry for what happened to you but I am very proud for you coming out the other side! good for you!

I suspect your MIL is trying to help you to heal something she doesn't understand at all. It is ok to tell her that you perceive these letters as further abuse, even if she doesn't, and that you would rather she doesn't tell you about them.

I think people view abuse much like they view allergies; they either don't believe they are that dnagerous or they think they can help by a little exposure at a time. Which of course, doesn't help at all if it will kill you!

I also think people are very uncertain about victims, they don't want you to feel worse, so they won't discuss, and they don't think you are to blame, but they don't know how to listen to your story. In the paper or on the web it's all very clinical and distant and you can discuss it. when it's someone you know, it's very painful and distressing to the non-victim because you don't know how to help the victim, or how to talk about it. If you ask a question it seems purile and nosy and none of your business, but if you don't, you are unfeeling and indifferent!

Perhaps you can sit her down and explain to her that your family were horrible and that you are ok not being in contact. She is part of your new family and you really really appreciate her.