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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think this is totally out of order!!

16 replies

filthycute · 27/06/2012 08:26

Ex and I have been split for almost a year, completely for the last 6 weeks. We want to share parental support. I work Monday - Thursday, ex p claims he works all mixture of hours, no set shifts or patterns, no notice of days off etc or any flexibility.
He says that it would be impossible to ask for at least one fixed day off per week even though he works weekends most of the time. The problem is he tells me he wants to have DS whenever he is off work so that means that I can go 5 days without seeing my son - he's only 19 months old. I have asked if we can have a more fixed arrangement say 3 nights each, he claims this is impossible. I pay for all the childcare even if its not used as Ex keeps DS at home some days if he is off. But I can't save any money because of the irregularity. We have no financial arrangement, I pay for everything because I earn the most. I feel like I am making all the sacrifices so he can do is dream job.

OP posts:
Callisto · 27/06/2012 08:29

Sounds like he is taking the piss to me. Can you not get some kind of formal agreement via solicitors that he does x days and you do y days every week and then everyone (including your son who will prefer routine to everything being different every day) will know what is going on.

Jeezaloo · 27/06/2012 08:36

Slightly off point, but what does ex p do for a living?

This seems totally unfair on you, and if this was the other way around, I can't imagine you'd expect him to put up with it. It's a lot to ask! Can you not have fixed childcare in place for Monday - Thursday, that DS attends no matter what, then just battle it out for the evenings/nights between you?

I agree with Callisto though that some sort of formal arrangment might be best.

slartybartfast · 27/06/2012 08:38

i dont spose the nursery would put up with that either?

slartybartfast · 27/06/2012 08:38

or whoever your child care provider is

filthycute · 27/06/2012 08:48

Ex P works on an exclusive county estate, where he also lives. If I were to take his word for it he seems to work 100 hours a week, I have to ask him if I need to be away (which I do at the moment as my dad has terminal brain cancer) I get the spanish whenever I try to seek a shift from what he wants. I don't believe for a minute that his employer insists on this method of working its just a convenient excuse. I do pay for childcare Monday - Thursday as I do 40 hours in 4 days. But I only get to see my DS on weekends (exP works every weekend!! mmmm). It just impossible to reason with him, all I get is you can't stop me seeing my son, But I'm not his work is!! grrrrr

OP posts:
PoppadumPreach · 27/06/2012 08:52

he's taking the piss. do not let him bully you into this. it sounds to me like his job prevents him from bein a suitable carer; kids need routine and certainty in their life - i think an arrangement along the lines of what you exP wants would not provide this.

i think you may also want to take legal advice.

but whatever you do, DO NOT allow this man to bully you.

Cabrinha · 27/06/2012 08:56

Well, unless it's deliberately to make things awkward, it's good that he wants to see his child a lot.
Why isn't he paying half the child care fees? Then if he chooses not to use child care that you've paid half each for, that's his decision. Or at least paying pro-rata based on your relative salaries.
Sounds like you need a solicitor to help with what is reasonable though.
It's hard to say whether he's taking p regarding his hours, as you don't say what he does. My husband works half of Saturdays but for genuine reasons couldn't tell me more than a month in advance which ones. He's not being unreasonable. You were married to this guy... What do you think? Was he doing the same job then?
I think that sometimes you really have to work around unpredictable shift patterns for the sake of the child, but we don't know if the shifts are truly unpredictable.
Can you agree set days and then it's basically tough luck if he is working them? He may push back on working them if he is actually missing out.
It's very difficult to judge - if he's a good dad with difficult working hours, I'd put up with more than if he was a useless arse!

Cabrinha · 27/06/2012 08:58

Sorry, crossed posts where you explain more! So much of what I said is irrelevant. Except the solicitor bit!

NimpyWindowMash · 27/06/2012 09:00

Completely unreasonable. I agree that you shouldn't put up with it.
Your son needs some stability, quite apart from the fact that it is unsatisfactory for you. Suddenly having 5 days without his mummy or without the usual childcare arrangements is quite disruptive for him. Has the ex even bothered to ask his employers for more predictable working hours - it sounds like probably not.

RightBuggerforit · 27/06/2012 09:10

Sounds like he is taking the absolute piss and you know it. He needs to pick a day or two a week that are his days, if he's at work that day then he needs to arrange and pay for childcare that day (just like you do Mon-Thurs) this is just part of the reality of being a parent that he needs to accept and get on with.

Yes he might have to work and possibly with little notice (giving him benefit of the doubt), but the consequences of that are that he needs to find and pay for childcare for those days like all working parents, not that he can rely on you at the drop of a hat to change all your plans (or never have any plans) every week so that he can get out of that responsibility.

filthycute · 27/06/2012 10:42

Yup You are right right I know he is, Its good to get some impartial perspective though, I know his version of events is more about him than DS, I'm stopping him seeing his son. I have tried the reasonable approach, I've tried to suggest that we each have set days and he takes reponsibility totally on his days. all impossible apparently, he can't afford to contribute to child care and I currently give him £150 per month towards DS costs on top of paying childcare.
I know its about control, I ended things because of 4 years of physical and emotional abuse, this is just more of the same isn't it?

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 27/06/2012 10:54

What are 'the costs' that you are paying £150 a month for?

If your ex is working all of these hours, why does he need help?

It does sound as though he is taking the piss.

If you sort this out via a solicitor then his employer can supply him with a letter to confirm that his working hours are this unpredictable.

Margerykemp · 27/06/2012 10:57

If he was physically abusive to you I don't think you should allow him to see your DS at all. Why are you exposing him to a potential abuser?

Almostfifty · 27/06/2012 10:57

Get a solicitor.

DamselInTornDress · 27/06/2012 11:46

Your child needs stability and routine. children thrive when they have a set routine. No court would agree to the arrangement your ex is asking for. So take control back. Chat to a lawyer, sort out a schedule and stick to it.

HecateHarshPants · 27/06/2012 11:51

Go to court and get a formal arrangement.

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